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Hmm. Not overreacting at all. Are you guys engaged yet? I honestly think it's pretty weird of him to be pushing for a baby before you guys are married. You could try reframing it -- "I'm so glad you're excited about our future together. Once we're married and have a home of our own, I'll be ready to start having kids with you."
The first thing that comes to my mind: He wants YOU to be the mother of his child, which is a wonderful wonderful thing.
I think the wrong approach would be to have a baby now just so he would hurry along with the marriage plans.
Are you engaged yet?
Just so I'm understanding you - he wants to have a baby before getting married? If so, only you can say how you feel about that. I'm going to be 38 this year, and have wanted nothing more than to have children since I was a little girl. But I personally feel weird about purposefully having a child before being married. I'm not criticizing those who have; it's just not for me. Because of this, we are waiting until after the wedding to have children, despite the fact that the older one gets, the more difficult it can be.
I don't think anyone here is going to tell you what to do - it's not our style. But you need to think very carefully about this. Bringing a baby into this world is a HUGE responsibility, for both parents. If I were in your place I would have to ask myself why I'm afraid he wouldn't want to marry me after the baby is born. The answer to this question may help you figure out what's the best thing for you to do.
And sorry, I didn't mean to have an offensive tone when I said it was "weird," maybe just odd or unusual. Definitely out of the typical order, and not necessarily wrong for you, but if it's not what you want then you need to make it clear that this is a decision you both need to make together, and what your feelings are about it.
@amysue- That would be a good way to frame it. He's not pressuring me, he just wants one and talks about it a lot.
@alioopsiedaisy-No, we aren't engaged yet. I am glad he wants to have a baby with me. He always talks about being a family, but I just get scared. I just see friends of mine who are single moms and it makes me think twice. I love him and I know he wants to be with me. oh, and I certainly wouldn't do it to hurry a proposal.LOL
I think this is something you and your BF need to discuss at length. A baby is not a simple decision. So he wants to get pregnant - get a house - then get married? It's different than the "norm", but what is normal now? The only thing I would worry about in this case is what you said - what happens if he changes his mind after the fact? Then you're a single mom. Let me tell you, being a single mom is HARD. You'd have child support, but you don't always have the promise that he'll be there for you. Sorry, I'm just trying to describe what could happen if he changes his mind. Please don't let me discourage you from having a great life and a wonderful baby for the two of you, it's just the way I see it.
120-round-poly-white.jpg (103.3 KB, 30 downloads) 1 year old
It can be kind of a scary thing to think about, can't it? That this is the man you want to have your babies with? It still scares me a little, anyway, and I'm married already. :) But just because you know you want it to happen doesn't mean it needs to happen right now. Only you guys know what timeline will be good for you, and if it's important for you to be married first, then reframing it sounds like a good idea.
I think you two need to take things one step at a time. If you plan on having a child together that is a huge committment. If having a family is something that you both really want and you are committed to, why not get married first? I'm not a crazy traditionalist by any means, but I do think there is something to be said for truly committing to each other first, and then bringing the child into the world. From your post it sounded as though you are worried if you have a child, he may not want to marry you after the fact... this could be a potential problem. I think one of the best gifts you can give a child is a strong and stable relationship between the parents. I know what it's like to have baby fever and it can be overwhelming, but sometimes it's best to think long and hard about the future of your relationship before you bring a child into the mix. That's just my two cents though. Good luck!
I agree with the other girls. If he loves you enough to have a baby with you then, he should be ready to put a ring on your finger and walk down the aisle with you first. Maybe try to find out what his reasoning is in doing things in a "different" order .. ?
@amysue- I didn't think you were being offensive.
@Chianti- I understand what you mean. I'm 28 and I used to wonder if I'll ever be able to have any.(paranoia mostly) Children are a huge responsiblity. Very huge. You can't send them back to the store if you dont want them anymore.
I'm afraid because of what I've seen my friends go through. It's not a lot of them, but I have two friends who are now single moms. Granted their guys were a-holes and treated them badly the whole time and then left them with the babies and no support but their families, but all I see is it could have been avoided if they had been married or waited until marriage. At least they would have seen the guy act up and leave before then. It's scary seeing that type of stuff.
Some guys are just ready for babies sooner and aren't held back by things like being married before going for what they want. If it were up to my husband, we would've started trying for babies while we were still in college! :) But I wasn't comfortable with that so we agreed to accomplish a few other things first.
If your guy loves you and wants to marry you and have children with you, I don't really see a problem. But really you two need to sit down and talk out a baby schedule. It's imperative that both of you are on the same page about children. If it's important to him to have a house before the baby is born, you should really start looking and try to accomplish that before you begin trying. If it's important to you to be married before you have a baby, say it. It's a totally realistic goal that you can set a date for and start working toward. The most important thing is that together you set a plan for what you want to accomplish before a baby comes and then work on a schedule for accomplishing those goals. I find conversations like this are best discussed in depth so that everyone is on the same page and you can approach the subject with a teamwork attitude.
Thanks everyone. I told him we'd talk this weekend about it, but since I got these replies, I can put my thoughts together a little more.
Thanks again.
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I wasn't sure where to post this, but since everyone here is pretty nice, vs. The Knot, I thought I'd get some straight answers, but with tact.
For the last 2 months, Mr. PapaBear has been hinting at a baby bear. Soon, not later. He knows I want a baby too, and lately, I have wanted one REALLY bad,
almost like crazy bad, but I am still on my BC.
We've talked about this before. I asked him what would happen if I did get pregnant and he said he'd hurry his house hunting up and go ahead and get married so the baby wouldn't be in an apartment.
Anyways, we do want a baby really bad, but I just keep thinking I don't want him to not want to marry me after the baby is born.
Am I overreacting with this? What do you think?
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