(Closed) He wants to break up?!?! 6 weeks after we moved into a new apartment together!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@lawyerchick13:  You’re right when you say he shouldn’t threaten a break up everytime you two fight!  That’s immature and doesn’t point to him being ready for an enagement.

My advice is to give him time to cool down and discuss things, you’ve had a stressful few weeks and it sounds like he’s very busy!  And yes, he shouldn’t have snuck out, if I woke up with my DH not in bed next to me I’d freak!

Post # 4
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sorry you are going through this. From what I’m reading, it sounds like he does not respect you, or the relationship enough. I think you need to decide whether this relationship is even worth it to you. In my opinion someone who loves you wants to be with you as much as possible, they don’t threaten to leave you over a fight, and they don’t try to hurt you as revenge.

Granted, I’m making judgments based on very little information. Only you know how your relationship normally works. 

Post # 5
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The strength of a relationship is not tested in good times, it’s tested in bad times. 

Sadly you now have the results, it’s up to you to make a judgement.

Post # 6
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh, hun.. I’m sorry about the situation.

First, what he did definitely crossed the line.  He broke the ground rules (that I’m assuming he agreed to), he spent the night at another girl’s place, and he snuck out after you went to bed.  I would SO not be comfortable with that.  Actually, I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with him being friends with her to begin with lol, but you’re better than I am, I suppose.  Either way, he certainly crossed the line.

Second, it seems like he doesn’t respect you.  He doesn’t come home to you.  It seems like there’s a disconnect.

I want to know about the decision to move into the city.  Whose decision was that?  Who suggested it and who went along with it?  What was the reason for moving into the city if the both of you work in LI?  (I’m from NY and completely familiar with the commute – I lived on the Port Washington line and would take it from Little Neck to Penn, then catch the A to Jay St in Bklyn.. my commnute was long to say the least, too).  How often does he work in LI vs in the city?  What about you?

The reason why I ask all these about the commute is because the commute is VERY draining, stressful, exhausting.  I can understand why you two are fighting a lot. 

I would consider subletting the apartment.  If it’s more convenient to live in LI, perhaps you can sublet and then move to LI.  Does your lease allow it?  Maybe you can talk to your landlord about having to move and staying in the apt until your landlord rents it out and see if s/he’ll let you out of the lease?  Or did you get it through a management company? 

I think this is salvagable.. just will take some work!

Post # 7
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think he’s sleeping with the skank.

Sorry.

Sublet the apt. Girit is better you find these things out before you become engaged

Post # 8
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

Hmmm, I would not be ok with my SO staying at any females house, especially if they used to have sex. Call it mistrust or whatnot, but I believe in temptation and potentially setting yourself up for failure. Why not steer clear and stay on the safe side?

Anyway, he is probaby just throwing a hissy fit, but running off to his “ex” is not the answer. I’d probably be encouraging him to pack.

Post # 11
Member
7330 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m inclined to think he’s been considering the break-up for a while, and that that is a large part of why he’s been staying at his parents so much. Assuming that he HAS been staying at his parents and not with this best-friend-previously-with-benefits….

Post # 12
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am sorry to hear about that! I also was displaced by Sandy, work in NYC and for a while was commuting to/from East Islip (Normally I commute from Long Beach). So I can understand the long commute part. That being said I have always made the effort to get home and I don’t see your bf doing that and committing to being there for you. I think you need to call his bluff. (My FI said that a couple times before we got engaged and each time I called him out on it. It was something he was saying to try and gain an edge in an emotional fight.) If he is willing to end it everytime you fight, get out, because who wants to walk on eggshells in fear that if you do/say the wrong thing it will be over? Stand up for yourself and your feelings. Who knows if he backs off because he realizes he loves you, maybe that will give you the ability to reset the expectations. Best of luck to you and so sorry to hear that you were hit hard with Sandy!

Post # 13
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Are you positive he didn’t cheat on you? It just makes me wonder because after he slept over at her house (which was disrespectful, he had agreed with your very fair rules) he suddenly decided the fighting was too much? He’s had 6 weeks to do that, but one night at this chick’s place and he just randomly decides to throw in the towel?

I am generally ok about things like that (when FI and I started dating, he stayed over at his ex’s parents house while she was there, I used to stay over at my ex’s place, he stayed at my ex’s place with me, my ex quite often comes over to our place and stays over sometimes. A lot of people may think that is weird, but we were all teenagers to begin with and are still friends with my ex, so that’s normal for us and might be normal for your guy too). I just think that his break up was timed a little weird. Anyway, if you don’t think he’s cheating on you, then you would know better than anyone here.

I would probably have asked him if he’s sitting on a large goldmine, and if he can afford to break the contract/pay the rent if you do break up. From what you said (about him always threatening to break up) he is using that threat to manipulate you, and I would have liked to point out that he’s pretty much putting himself between a rock and a hard place by doing so. I’d also ask him to look at why you’re fighting so much. He’s always away, he sneaks out and breaks your (again, very reasonable) boundaries- OF COURSE you’re arguing.

I noticed you said you commute from long island to NYC every day, why don’t you car pool and then he could be home every night without making a long trip alone?

ETA- The fact that this chick is married and you all are friends makes me way less inclined to think he’s cheating. By this point, he probably just views her as a friend, plus it’s not like they’re alone in the house. Sorry, I had not read your update by the time I posted. After reading it, it kind of makes sense that they have such a close relationship. Disrespecting your rules is not cool, but after reading your update I think it’s innocent.

Post # 14
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lawyerchick13:  A messy apt is no reason to Breakup.  Sounds to me like he is so used to being looked after by his mother that he expects you to do the same and has a fit if he can’t have it his way. Only going by what your OP states, I would be Leary of this so called best friend of his.  Married people cheat too.  Let him have space….I would never chase after a man who threatens to take his love away from me regularly over non-issues. And neither should you! 

Post # 15
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yikes, he sounds really immature. Moving in together (especially in a somewhat forced situation–it’s possible he wasn’t mentally prepared for this, what with Sandy and all) is tough, but he could not be handling this worse. Regardless of whether you two might be able to work things through, regardless of whether he may or may not have cheated on you, you’ve learned that he is an atrocious communicator, that he completely disregards your wishes, and that he is rather vindictive (sneaking away to spend the night with an ex? I mean, seriously?). It doesn’t sound like he is ready (nor does he want) to be in a serious, committed cohabitative relationship. 

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