(Closed) He wants to buy a house with me?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like you are trying to read too much into subtle hints and not actually communicating with him. I think you need to lay all the cards out on the table, now – before buying a place. There’s already a kid involved – the time for playful mind reading leading up to an engagement is over. Instead of him telling you what he wants but then not giving you any sort of conclusion about what that means with regards to timing of marriage, how about you BOTH tell each other what you BOTH want and what that means for BOTH of your timelines?

It’s your marriage too. Although I was happy to live with my husband prior to marriage, no way would I enter into a financially binding obligation such as a house without marriage first. You need to decide what you are comfortable with (may be different than for me!) and proceed.

Post # 4
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I agree with @crayfish: . it’s time for you two to lay all of your cards on the table and start a series of very open discussions about your goals, values, priorities, and timelines. You both need to be on the same page before any new decisions are made. 

Post # 5
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

No you are being so intelligent by not buying a house with him. He is being SO selfish. His dreams first and yours second. That is not how it works, buddy! If he can make a committment of a house with you then he sure the heck should be ready to give an engagement ring as a sign for committment.

My SO suggested we start looking for a house (I already have one) and I told him that I won’t buy a house with him until we are married. Legally it isn’t smart.

Oh and as soon as you buy a house there is no leftover money to pay for things such as a engagement ring, wedding etc. So I would tell him you want to be married before you commit to something like that.

Post # 6
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Seconded. This requires a serious talk. I would lead off with this one phrase you used that seemed to get to the heart of the matter:

“I was gung go about buying a house with him then because I was really under the impression we’d at least be engaged soon, but after he told me that he’s not thinking of it anytime soon, I’m not comfortable buying a house with him.”

This is very important and needs to be adressed. It could be that the two of you have different priorities, in which case you must spell out your point of view as in; “From where I’m standing, this is how I see the situation.” Then without interrupting or judgement (at least outwardly) let him tell you how the situation seems to him. Then you should go from there. Best of luck to you, I hope you two can work that out.

Post # 7
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He has legally and financially bound himself to you by having a kid, and he’s willing to further that commitment by buying a house, but he’s not willing to get married soon? Something’s off, and you need to discuss with him ASAP.

Post # 8
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

I’d let him know that want a ring before a set of house keys – be honest about it.

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Seriously what the heck is he waiting for, after all those years and a kid and living together?

I personally was in sitatuion without a kid, and told my now ex hell no. Trust your instincts don’t buy a house now. Buying a house requires lots of money and work and could it lead to another excuse about why you aren’t ready to get married. I agree time for a talk. I think you been more then patient and it’s now to put your needs and wants into the picture. I think you guys should set some goals and start saving for a house and a wedding. Also I think making such a big choice like buying property requires your input and more then him telling you to start looking into getting your record together. Good luck!

ps: i also don’t buy into the giving away the milk for free. A relationship is based more on these things. I’ve known plenty of people who moved in, bought a house, and didn’t have to pay the whole waiting game with their SO. It’s quite possible if you were living apart he would be doing the same things.

Post # 12
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

FH and I had DD in May of 2010, bought a house December of 2010, got engaged September 2011, and are getting married on Saturday.  I wanted a house more than I wanted an engagement.  We were very open about how we felt about marriage and what it would mean for our family, but we both agreed that a house would be our priority.  I had no doubts about whether or not we were getting married or his commitment, so I felt completely comfortable going ahead with the house purchase and knew that the rest would follow. 

I don’t think that you’re being dumb, but if an engagement is that important to you — tell him!  If you’ve made plans for your family and your future with him, then I’d like to think that you have enough trust in him to believe that your future will come together as you’d planned.  I wouldn’t want him to feel forced into proposing so that you guys can buy a house, but if you aren’t able to commit to a house purchase without an engagement, you have to be honest and tell him how you feel and take it from there.

Post # 13
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the issue here is the order in which you each plan on doing things. I get that nowadays plenty of people have kids before being married and thats fine. But since you are doing things “out of order”. (I would say the stereotypical order is dating, engagement, marraige, house, kids but thats just my opinion.) I would sit him down and say this is the “order” I want to do the following major life choices in:

  1. Engagement
  2. Marriage
  3. Buy House
  4. Have another kid

And feel free to throw in a vague timeline like:

  1. Engaged in next 6 months
  2. Married after 6-12 month engagement (1-1.5 years from now)
  3. Buy house any time after (1-3 years from now)
  4. Have another kid after you buy the house but before your currrent child is 4 years old (1.5-3 years from now)

You might want to elope and have a 1 week engagement. Or maybe you don’t mind buying the house while engaged. But make sure by the end of the discussion you and him have a rough timeline and order in which you plan on having those major life events. Buying a house is a big deal, and you’re being very smart by wanting to be engaged/married first.

Post # 14
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@crayfish:  Totally agree.

I’m also the same as you when it comes to “enter[ing] into a financially binding obligation such as a house without marriage first”.  I’d have considered it with just an engagement but defintiely NOT before a ring.

Post # 15
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You need to talk to him about how you feel.  I broke up with my ex-bf and am married to my husband because of how they reacted to the same situation.  My ex was constantly furious that I wouldn’t move in with him.  “No.  You make a commitment and then I’ll give up my apartment, my life, my independence.”  My husband said “Ok, I understand that – you keep your place as long as you want to.  It’s your money for rent, I’m fine on my own in my house.  If we get engaged or married then you can move in.”

I moved in (fully) the week before the wedding.  And I was always much more comfortable around him because he wasn’t forcing me to give up anything to be with him.  I was getting more than I was losing.

In your situation, your SO should understand where you’re coming from.  Yes, you’re connected through your child.  But so far – that’s it.  You have no “real” committment that entitles you to anything other than child support should you two split.  Not that you think that might happen, but gawd what a mess if you own half a house yet aren’t entitled to inherit any of his stuff because you aren’t married.  Or you break up and either have to give up what you put in the house or force one of you to sell your home.

I’d never make that kind of financial committment to someone I wasn’t married to.  Maybe engaged with a wedding date set and venue paid for. 

Post # 16
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Buying a house is a 15-30 year commitment.  That’s way longer than most marriages!  If he’s serious enough to buy a house why wouldn’t he want to get married?  It might even help the interest rate on the house because banks are notorious for giving better rates to married couples rather than unmarried individuals buying a house together.  I would have a serious conversation with him about this; maybe he has good reasons for not wanting to get married.  I just know that legally married couples have more rights in joint property than individuals (in some states he could sell or will his share of the house to someone else and you would have no recourse.)

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