Post # 1
This post may seem disjointed but I am emotional and frustrated.
I happily got engaged in August 2009 and then the storm hit. I went through a lot of life changes that sucked up time and took away from nuptial planning. In the last 3 months I sold my home, searched for a new job, dealt with a professional lawsuit, and suffered a disabling sports injury among other things. However, as a bride to be, I know I have to assume “the role” and take care of business! My FH is eager to get married and wants to elope next month at City Hall in San Francisco. I am not sure I understand his rush (appease his mom? start a family sooner?) He just says “I dont want to wait any longer.” Ok, clearly I have done no planning whatsoever to prepare for a wedding just one month away. This is his second marriage and he has already done the wedding thing. As I have been hemming and hawing about the dates and finances, I felt badly and agreed, with the understanding (maybe one sided) that I could plan a wedding later on. I thought it would just be our immediate family (5-6 people total) at city hall followed by and a small private dinner.
Instead, my FH has invited 20 family members, 1 friend and friend’s child. He convinced me to host a dinner at a fancy restaurant private dining room; I booked the room. On my side its just my 3 sisters and my mom.
I feel a bit duped into this plan, and I want to cancel it and go to the original idea of a small gathering of 5-6 people so that I can plan a nice wedding for everyone in 3-4 months and apply the $2500 from this spontaneous and one sided dinner (mostly his side) to the whole wedding budget. I am on a strict budget and $2500 is a lot to me. But his mom has already told his aunts and cousins, and their expectations have been rising. I feel like he wants this to be “the wedding” and yet, some important members of my family cannot make the date. Additionaly, because of private dining venue space limits, there is no room for my friends. If we wanted to make it any bigger, we would assume the costs of a full wedding venue (restaurant buyout) without the beauty,personalization, or organization I would want it to embody. Additionally, 1 month notice is not enough for some other important guests from my side, so our group would feel haphazard.
I don’t want to be a bitch and seem passive aggressive. I tend to agree to things and then pull back after contemplation which makes me seem unreliable. I want to cancel it in my heart, but there is a little voice telling me to stop being controlling, be flexible, and go with the flow. I’m upset, nevertheless, and I feel like a wedding is an important rite of passage and social experience. Some tell me “the marriage is the prize,”, not the wedding, and that I should have proper priorities. Sigh.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you haven’t really let your FH know how you feel and have “caved in” to his opinions and are now regretting it. Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about this? How does he feel knowing that you’re upset that your close family and friends cannot attend this?
Post # 4
You need to have a sit down talk w/him.
Yes, 2500 is a lot of money and it should not be spent on one side of the family either.
I say talk, air gently your thoughts, and then plan a destination wedding like we’re going to do! We’re having 50 or less folks attending, getting married in a beautiful church, and then having a really fun reception near the ocean!
Also get feedback from the encore board on how your fi may be feeling right now. My FI and I are both encores so we’ve both been married again. While we’re not doing the huge gargantuan wedding again, we’re doing what we wished we could have done the first time!
I see a destination wedding as a true compromise to both your situations. Hugs and good luck!
Post # 5
I’m sorry this is happening, but it does sound like you got wrangled into this and aren’t happy. It’s a two-sided thing, there should be compromises in a wedding. Sit down with your FI and tell him how you feel. You guys need to do what YOU guys wanna do, even if that means telling the family “hey we changed our mind” because that happens with wedding planning.
Figure out what would make you happy in regards to the wedding. What are you willing to give up but what is a necessity? If he wants the wedding and you want to cancel, you have to find an in-between option.
Elope, have a honeymoon while you’re there, come home, have a fun backyard celebration and invite all the family AND friends you wanted to have this dinner with.
$2500 is a lot of money for you to be unhappy (not to mention you’re basicaly treating his family to dinner but you get no friends there! NOT cool). If you aren’t comfortable spending it (from your post it sounds like it’s JUST you, right?) and it feels wrong in your heart, you have to go off that.
Don’t worry about what everyone else (aka his family) thinks. You have to do what you guys wanna do. They’ll get over it
Post # 6
The biggest thing that stands out to me: he has already had a wedding, you have not. I think you deserve to get that too. I think that eloping with 6 close family members then having a reception later is a totally great compromise, and he should really understand why this is important to you!
Post # 7
It makes sense that he wouldn’t want a huge wedding, but you definitely deserve to have your family and close friends there to witness the event if you want to. Why don’t you focus on this when you talk to him – not the decor or personalization, but the fact that your family members should be able to attend the actual wedding – not an event a few months after, but the wedding itself. His family should be able to understand this as well when you reschedule the ceremony.
Post # 8
I am really sorry!
I don’t think you should feel like you are going back on your word but you are not – he changed what this elopement would be by invited a larger amount of family members.
I think you need to talk to him straight forwardly (don’t be passive aggressive) tell him flat out what you agreed to and now you don’t think this elopement is fulfilling the agreement.
Maybe you two could compromise on a small wedding in a few months which will give you a bit more time to plan your perfect wedding but he will still get his small intimate wedding in the near future!
Post # 9
Ugh sorry you’re going through this! I completely feel your pain on the whole agreeing to things because you don’t like conflict and want your FH to be happy, and then realizing later that YOU’RE not happy. I do that A LOT, and not just with the FH.
I agree with other posters who said you should tell your FH that you want to go back to the 6-person private dinner idea and do the big(er) reception later on when you can plan it. Since you’ll presumably be inviting all of his guests to that reception, they should hopefully not be (too) offended to be uninvited from the private dinner. And it’s just not fair that he gets to invite so many people and you can’t invite your friends!