He Wants To Pick The Ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Personally I feel that he’s correct here. It’s his gift that symbolizes his love for you, it should reflect his choice. It’s not a fashion item or just-you item but a symbolic or almost amulet item of his love for you, your acceptance of him as a husband and the two of you becoming one. Traditionally men choose the ring that represents their unqiue love for their hoped-for bride.

You will find many bees who disagree with me, many who picked their own ring entirely and their FI just basically paid the bill (if even that, sometimes the woman herself and/or parents pay for part or all of it). In person though you will likely find more people who see it the traditional way than you’ll find on the bee.

Post # 4
946 posts
Busy bee

I believe that relationships are partnerships, and if he isn’t even willing to listen to your input on this – and you to his, since again, relationships are partnerships. and neither partner should be dictating to the other – then maybe this is a partnership that you should reconsider.

Post # 5
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@HunterJune:  I don’t think either of you are wrong. How the ring is chosen is a personal choice for the couple. Although it seems as if you’d at least like him to know preferences (gold vs platinum, carat size seem reasonable here). Perhaps you can broach the subject by telling him how excited you are to see the setting he picks, maybe if he sees your excitement and faith in him he’ll be more likely to react calmly when you tell him your preferences on the stone. I say this because the setting can make the ring his unique pick and you can be sure you’ll have a stone that suits your hand which seems like a nice compromise 🙂 

Post # 6
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Girl, you will love it!! I had “the ring” picked out for months. I showed him in person at the store, I emailed it to him, put a business card with the ring info on it in his wallet. When he proposed it was not the ring I loved, it was the complete opposite!!! But it didn’t matter, he could have bought me a pebble in a prong setting and I would love it just the same!! because it’s so much more than the ring. And hearing how he picked it out was soooo cute!! It represents us, not just me!! 

Post # 7
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Did he suggest you go out and look at rings and let him know your thoughts? Some men want to do this all bythemselves and pick out the ring and truly give a no input, surprise gift. Others like my husnand wanted input. He wanted me to be just as happy and proud wearing it as he was to buy it. He told me to try things on and get a sense of what I liked and looked good. Our ring taste is very different.

I know one pparticular woman who disliked her e-ring she never wore it, not even on her wedding day. At the end of the day it’s a piece of jewelry.  It’s going to say something about your style or his. You may like his choice or you may not.

Post # 8
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

We were supposed to go ring shopping together (the official ring shopping) we have been before just to take a look, anyways the day of he decided he did not want me to come. He wanted to go alone. At first I was beyond annoyed because I thought what if he gets something ugly or something I don’t like. I had to use all my strength to not get upset.

He knew the basics going in. He knew i liked round cut, white gold, dainty and classical design. I had to trust him.

He ended up picking out the perfect ring and to this day I still get compliments on it from random strangers.

You should trust him, maybe him picking out the ring won’t be terrible as long as he knows the basics of what you like and do not like. 

Post # 9
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Have you considered that he may have already purchased a ring with different specs from what you’re asking for, so maybe that’s why he’s getting so upset about it? My SO was the same way as your SO at first and I remember several frustrated attempts to get him to LISTEN to me and it wasn’t until he went out on his own that he came scampering back to me and requested my help because he realized he didn’t know what exactly he was looking for. 

The biggest problem I have here is not you wanting to get the ring you want, but that your SO is flat out ignoring your requests and won’t even entertain the conversation of what you might like. That, to me, is disrespectful, but perhaps he just wants to do it on his own. I would suggest having one final, “Come to Jesus” talk with him in which you calmly explain why you came the decision you did. He doesn’t have to like what you are saying, but he MUST sit there and show you the respect of listening to you. Once you are finished, I would suggest printing out some examples with things like metal type, prong type, stone size, and either tucking it in his wallet or pants pocket where he will find it. Just tell him to hold on to that for safe keeping. The only reason my SO knew I liked rose gold was because I spammed his phone with pictures of rose gold solitaires. 

Good luck!

Post # 10
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

DH and I chose my engagement ring together. He chose the stone and I chose the setting. Yes he paid for the ring however I am the one who has to wear it. He should at the very least listen to your preferences especially since your engagement doesn’t appear to be a surprise. I have a good friend who doesn’t wear either of her rings because she doesn’t like the set her husband chose. To me that’s a waste of money that could have been avoided if he had asked for her input. 

Post # 11
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think neither of your are wrong. It depends on the guy, but some guys take picking out the ring themselves as something special. It is a symbol of his love and like a PP suggested, maybe he already bought something.

I would honestly not push him on this because it seems he really wants to do it on his own and I bet you will love whatever he picks out for you. When you tried on rings, did you go by yourself? I am just wondering if he has seen what you tried on….


Post # 12
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Ask him how he would feel if you purchased him an item to wear every day for the rest of his life that he didn’t like. Maybe that will open his mind a bit.

Post # 13
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@HunterJune:  I wouldn’t be committed to someone who thought so little of my input on picking out something to wear the rest of my life.

Post # 14
173 posts
Blushing bee

@HunterJune:  Maybe he feels like you are “micromanaging” the ring/proposal? Guys can be weird about that, but it’s very individual. Every couple is different in this respect. He also may have already bought the ring and is stressed when you bring up something you do/don’t want in the ring that he can’t change.

Whatever he gets you will probably be perfect and, if not, there’s always upgrading (to a pricier better-quality small stone, or to a larger stone, or a different cut) and shrinkage happens :). Sometimes a larger stone looks HUGE under the lights in the store (esp if you don’t wear sparkly rings on a regular basis), but smaller in “everyday” life. And settings can make a ton of difference in how big a stone looks.

And there is no rule that you MUST wear your e-ring every day for the rest of your life.

Post # 15
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sounds to me like he’s being an ass. He’s not the one who will wear it. I never understood people with attitudes like this. “YOU MUST WEAR IT AND WILL LOVE IT BECAUSE I PICKED IT FOR YOU” uhhh riiiiight.

Post # 16
46 posts
  • Wedding: September 2014

I feel he is correct here too. Marriage isn’t about a ring. and i see so many ladies on here talking about their rings and complaing about something about the ring and its like REALLY? Marriage IS NOT about the ring! My FI picked my ring out himself and i loved it that way. Why should the lady have a say in what it looks like? Does she want to help set up the proposal too?

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