(Closed) He won't marry me because I won't change my name

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

ETA: I’m tired and havn’t finished my coffee yet, my first response sucked.

Good luck with your decision, I know it’s a hard one!

Post # 4
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow. Personally, I wouldn’t give into the emotional black mailing. It sounds like you’ve been ok staying together without being married all this time, so I’d call his bluff and call off the wedding. If he decides to be mature, then I’d agree to marriage.

ETA – At this point it’s not actually about the name. It’s about him asserting his power over you and trying to strong hand you into something with which you are uncomfortable. Shame on him.

Post # 6
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Would either of you willing to do a compromise of sorts? I have a girlfriend who didn’t want to lose her last name, and what she ended up doing was legally changing her name to his, but keeping her name as her ‘business name.’ Not exactly sure how that works, but there might be some options you guys could look into to appease both of you.

Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Birdee106:  Same question could be posed to her FI…is someone else’s last name enough of a reason to not marry the mother of your children?

 

OP, your FI is being unfair in basically holding your wedding hostage to a name change. You need to talk with him about how this is mean, and how it’s like if you refused sex until he bought you something you wanted–it’s immature, mean, and illogical. He hasn’t even given reasons for why it matters so much? Or let you explain your reasons? 

Post # 9
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly, I don’t think either of you should care about this so much. He is a little crazy not to marry you because you won’t change your name, and you probably shouldn’t be so adament that you won’t change it. If you really think you will resent each other over this later on, you probably have some deeper issues to address before marriage. If he would be ok with you just hyphenating your name, I would probably go with that solution without requiring him to hyphenate his. No matter how unfair etc. it seems, men just don’t typically do that. 

Post # 11
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@weddingstress:  No, I completely agree with you! Reading my response sounds like I’m saying you should just take his name, totally not what I meant. Sorry! I agree that you shouldnt have to change it if you don’t want to, that shouldn’t be a deciding factor in a relationship. And he 100% shouldn’t be manipulating you into doing something you’re not okay with, not okay at all. All I meant is that I know my fiance would be pretty upset if I decided not to take his name, it’s a big thing in his book.

You need to do whatever you’re okay with, not what anyone makes you do.

Post # 12
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@redheadem:  this

I actually take the exact opposite position of @Birdee106:  why in the world would YOU not changing your name stand in the way of HIM marrying you? I feel like your FI should ask himself that, not the other way around. Him saying something like that is BS. If he wants to marry you, he would marry you no matter what your last name would be. This is a pretty shallow reason to not marry someone, and it is a personal decision that has zero impact on if the relationship could be carried out or not.

This just seems like an instance where your FI wants to exercise control over you.
Especially if you are established professionally, changing names can be an issue.
And your FI isn’t receptive to changing his last name? Why should you?

Post # 13
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have an awesome name. I’m not famous at all, but it does sound like it should be a movie star name and I love it.

But….I love my FI more and want to take his last name because it just means a lot to both of us to be joined not only in matrimony, but in name too. Over the years, I’ve learned to choose my battles and changing my last name is not that big an issue in the grand scheme of life.

Post # 15
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m disgusted that he refuses to marry the (supposed) love of his life and the mother of his children over something like a name.  He is trying to bully you into doing something you don’t want to do.  You even tried to compromise with a hyphenated name!  His behavior is unacceptable, and is a sign of your relationship dynamic for the future.

Post # 16
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Birdee106:  I think OP is correct. She isn’t leaving her family to become a part of his. They have their own family with 3 children. They are uniting their families.

OP, the only reason women had to take their husband’s name in the past was because they had no right to property. They had their father’s name, and then their husband’s and that was that. I know it’s tradition, but you not changing your name doesn’t mean you love him any less. Maybe sit down and tall him this.

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