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It sounds like it's time for a serious discussion. You have been patient and if he can't figure things out in 5 years then he needs more help and it's not unreasonable to have serious discussions with him to see if you should wait around or not.
A kind of crude saying but he needs to sh** or get off the pot.
Hmm. I'm not sure how to answer this.
On one hand, actions speak WAY louder than words - so if he is showing you he loves you, then it should be as good as saying it.
However, after five years of dating, he obviously knows that he wouldn't be just throwing it around, so I don't understand the hesitation.
I don't have an answer for this.... anyone??
I am so sorry, I feel your pain!
I think it is totally a personal choice as to whether you are OK with never hearing "I love you" or not. I was dating someone seriously and thinking about marriage, and he would bring it up all the time, and I knew he was thinking about proposing. One night we had a big fight because he would not say "I love you" because he said he was not sure and he didn't see what the big deal was because showing me how he felt should be more important than saying it. But, I decided for myself I would not marry someone who wouldn't say it, and so I told him not to even THINK about proposing if he wasn't able to tell me he loved me and was in love with me. So, a few months later, he said "I realized I LOVE YOU and would you marry me?" and whipped out the ring. Now we are married.
Honestly, in my mind, after that argument, I had given him 6 months or a year more and I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't said it by that point. I guess the bottom line is that words are important to me!
There are definitely men who break this gender stereotype, but a lot of guys simply aren't very good at verbalizing their emotions. Physiologically, their brains don't work the way women's brains do; and societally, they aren't taught to talk about their emotions. It could be that your guy will NEVER be good about telling you he loves you. But does he show it? Does he take care of you? Does he let you take care of him? If so, then he loves you.
And realize, the whole "he should have come to terms with his past" goes both ways. After 5 years, why haven't YOU come to terms with his inability to SAY he loves you, but his willingness to SHOW you he loves you. Maybe he simply believes that actions speak louder than words.
Layla took the words right out of my mouth. I mean it is three little words that could make or break the relationship, which seems crazy, but those three words hold a lot of weight. eeeeek, I mean he acts loving, which is what really matters. But if it were me, I think it would be a very big deal that he doesn't actually tell me. And he must love you, or he wouldn't be talking about marrying you. Yikes, this is a hard one. I'm no help!!
Well I'm a little confused. Have you asked him if he loves you? Does he say he does? I guess I'm not sure if the issue is that he loves and just has a hard time saying the words, or if you are wondering if he in fact does love you, despited doing very loving things. I gues that's the first thing you want to figure out.
Also, I think there are certainly some issues there with his own parents getting divorced. He might be fearful of commitment. Maybe he's trying not to get "burned" and has put up a wall, incase the relationship falls apart. I think you might want to get to the bottom of what is bothering him so you can have a happy life together. Or if it doesn't work out, that you know sooner rather than later. Will he be willing to getting counseling to sort out what's going on?
Yikes. I wish I could help too...I know there are many ways of showing love, but personally, hearing those three words is one of the most endearing things I can hear from my FI. I know it's hard, but you will need to discuss this further. Is there some kind of major reason (family history/background/past relationships) that you can think of that would make him act this way?
I'm a big advocate for counseling. His unresolved issues about his parent's divorce should be dealt with. Also, it sounds like words may be one of your love languages. Have you brought it up to him in the context of feeling love from him in the form of words? This would be a great topic to discuss in premarital counseling!
Lambster is not a words person and I used to be so frustrated by it. Learning that he likes to show love by acts of service and through gifts, I now have learned to appreciate the ways he shows me love. I still need some words, but thanking him for the ways that he shows love really brings us closer together.
I think this is something you can definitely work through! Good luck!
I'm with Lamb - counseling, counseling, counseling. I think everyone should go to counseling, because it changed.my.life. :)
My hubby and I had a bad fight last night related to this topic. He is never home, I hardly ever see him, then the times he is he is mostly doing homework, or other stuff around the house. Last night I blew up at him because I was like it's bad enough I never see you, the little time we do have together I feel like I'm not even there. He thinks he shows he loves me in plenty of ways, but I need to hear it and feel his arms around me. Then if he's not even AROUND to SHOW he loves me in HIS ways, and when he is here he's not showing it in MY ways (e.g. cuddling, saying I love you), when is he showing it? I feel so alone, and I'm starting to get really upset.
My husband isn't real comfortable with the words "I love you" either. I get the "obligatory" I love you in the morning before he goes to work, but that's about it. Sometimes, on the few occasions I tell him when he's not about to go to work, I'll say it but he doesn't always say it back, and it he's in front of family, forget it. But, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loves me. Other things he does for me proves it. When he bought me my engagement ring (from Tiffany's no less, because he always strives to give me the best) instead of buying himself the car he's been waiting and saving for, when he comes up behind me and kisses me while I'm doing the dishes, when he tucks me in before he leaves work, when he lets me cry on his shoulder without judging me, etc etc. We'll never be the couple who always says I love you after every phone conversation, but I've been told "I Love you" by people who didnt mean it, and I knew they didnt, but they just said it because they thought they were supposed to. I would never trade that for what I have now.
However, if he had NEVER ever told me he loves me, I think I would be suspicious of what's up. I think the previous poster (sorry, cant remember who) who brought up Love Languages also has a really good point. You should definitely look into the different love languages. It sounds like you need verbal affirmation, while he prefers to show his love with actions.
This is going to be a personal choice that only you can decide for yourself.
So what you're saying is that your boyfriend won't say that he loves you, even though he does loving things, and he won't tell you why. But the reason is not that he's "saving" it for engagement or marriage. There are several possible explanations:
The "why" of why he won't say it is something he will probably best unearth in counseling. It sounds like you have had many serious discussions on this topic and I don't know what will make another one more fruitful. Whatever his reasons, he is probably ashamed of them and thus scared to tell you (or even admit them to himself), so talking about it with an impartial third party may be most helpful.
Saying "I love you" might be just words, but they are important words. Don't downplay how much it matters to you or think that marrying him will loosen his tongue---it won't. Until you are both happy with the state of how much you both say "I love you" (whether that's a little or a lot), then I wouldn't proceed with marriage plans. However, I think if you guys can get this issue out in the open, then it will all work out for the best.
I'm not going to offer advice, just let you know that you're not the only one!
My sister has been dating someone for about 3 years, and he hasn't said "I love you" either. I'm not saying they have the some reasons, but the reasons my sister's bf hasn't, is because he said he wouldn't until they get engaged. Granted, he told her once when she was getting impatient and wondering why he had never said it, but I don't know that he would have told her why without her prompting.
Hope you guys can have a good discussion about his reasons and work through them!
Miss Ramen's Fi waited for the proposal to say "I Love You," so are you sure it's not possible that your bf could be doing the same? And here is her proposal story.
We really need clarification - if you ask him if he loves you, does he say he does? If so, then this sounds like he's - at least in part - just uncomfortable saying that phrase. That would annoy me, but I could love with it. But if - after 5 years of dating - he can't even respond 'yes' if you ask him if he loves you, then I think that's a problem and I'd recommend counseling. Good luck!
Don't freak - but don't drop it either. I went through the same thing with my fiance. I think it was partly that his family is NOT verbally affectionate - even his parents never actually TELL him they love him (and vice versa). Also his parents have both been married multiple times and it made him very commitment shy in general. (Verbally... for example, we dated for months before he actually called it that, and like a YEAR AND A HALF before he called me his gf out loud. In fact we actually lived together before he dropped the term gf. Yet he was the most commited bf I ever had, IN ACTION. From the day we met he never went on another date again! Spent tons of time with me, never so much as eyeballed another girl. His friends and family called me his gf long before he did.) In short, he struggled with putting words to things.
It took him a long time to say he loved me - well before the proposal but well after we moved in together. I was saying it to him for a year before he said it back. I would bring it up and he would say "It's not that I don't feel that way... it's just very hard for me to use those words". To me, senseless and infuriating! To him, based mostly on family history, those three little words packed So! Much! Meaning! And I think it was hard for him to define exactly WHAT meaning.
But, I did bring it up several times because it really bothered me. I told him that as much as I loved him, I would not accept a proposal without an I love you. For me, what finally helped was going at it from another angle that seemed less threatening to him. I sat him down and asked him, do you care about me? Would you go out on a limb for me if I needed you to? You say you want us to get married - in your mind, does that mean forever? Do you want to have kids with me? Am I the first person you want to tell good or bad news to? He said yes to all, firmly and immediately, and said he would give me a kidney if I needed one. I said hun, what does that say to you? It sounds dumb but it was like a lightbulb went off in his head, and he said it to me right then and was almost sort of giddy, like, holy shit I love this girl!!
It sounds like your bf is DOING and THINKING all the right things. My advice is to be patient, but by all means keep talking to him about it. Maybe throw out the counseling suggestion and see what he says. As someone who does occasionally need to hear it, I totally understand where you're coming from! But I DON'T think this is a dealbreaker. And I DO think he does love you. :)
Oh for what it's worth another thing I did was to explain to him that I wasn't expecting him to say it a hundred times a day, just here and there. And I've never gone back on that (after he said it once). After that, sometimes I'd say it to him and he'd say it back, and sometimes he wouldn't. If he didn't I would not react at all. ZERO pressure. And it worked! At first he rarely said it, and when he did you could SEE his awkwardness. A year later sometimes HE says it first. Give this one some time, and a few different approaches. Good luck!
M is another one of those guys... he only started saying he loved me in february i think and even now i have to remind him. he understands that it's very important to me because i lost a very close family member when i was 14 and i wish i would have told her that i loved her the last time i saw her (i didn't do anything bad i just said goodbye, and not that i loved her). from then on i always say it. and after i explained this to m he understood and now he always says it and it's one of the sweetest things i have ever heard, this big tough guy saying love you too babe... i think if you explain why you want to hear it he may understand better than going oh why won't you say it. it definitely helped my relationship when i told him why.
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I need some support! I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is caring and sensitive, very understanding, and very loving. He has a great sense of humor, and I love him so much. We have known each other since high school, but did not start dating until 6 years after high school. The first 3 years of our relationship was long distance, and we lived 3-4 hours apart. We worked so hard to have a close, loving relationship while we were so far apart. We then moved in together and have been happily enjoying seeing each other everyday. We are approaching 2 years of having lived together, which will be 5 years of dating. Let me just say that after we were dating for 2 years we started talking about marriage and children and it has been a regular topic that comes up very often. Part of that was due to my working in childcare and discussing with him part of my job as I pretty much raised three children I was watching at the time. Anyway we talked about getting married once we pay down more of our school debt. Which I am completely fine with, but my issue is this. He is not comfortable saying " I love you" . He will call me love, and his actions are very loving, but he won't say it. I was aware of his apprehension to say i love you early on, we had a discussion about people who throw around "I love you" and how that cheapens it. But now that we have been dating for almost 5 years and are very seriously discussing getting married, I feel he should have come to terms with his past and his feelings enough to be able to say he loves me. His parents divorced when he was very very young. In fact he thinks he was the baby used to try and save the marriage. His mother now 20 plus years later is still bitter and hostile towards his father. I wonder if this is part of the reason he is unable to say he loves me. I bring up that this bothers and hurts me that I love him and will tell him so, but he does not say he loves me back. And he tells me he is sorry he is hurting me but to be patient and give him more time. I asked him if he is waiting to say he loves me until we are engaged and he said that was not it. So I don't know what to think. Should his loving actions and behavior be enough? Or should I be worried he won't say I love you?