(Closed) He won’t say “I love you”

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
180 posts
Blushing bee

Unfortunately, I think you are right. I think that isn’t a good sign. I don’t usually say “I love you” to my Fiance in front of my family, nor does he to me in front of his, but we are both on the same page with that. We show it in other ways around other people, and he’ll often whisper it in my ear when no one is looking. It is a relative nonissue.

The fact that you’ve repeatedly asked your Fiance to change that and he won’t and especially that he lies about it is a bad sign. Remember, this is probably the best he’ll ever treat you. I think you might benefit from discussing it with him and explaining that if he continues to do something he knows hurts you, and then lies about it, you’re going to have a big problem with that.

I’m sorry 🙁 I know how not fun this is!

Post # 4
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d definitely have a talk again with him, especially if this is a change in his behavior. Some families are just different and don’t say it to one another (Mr.ND’s family doesn’t even say goodbye on the phone, let alone I love you) so maybe he feels weird saying it in front of them? Was he getting ribbed for it, or maybe he has some reason that’s illogical but is bugging him (his daughter will feel like he loves you more, or something equally not-true but could be in his mind)?

I’d talk with him about it again, as calmly as possible, and see if there’s a reason things have changed in the last 6 months when he’s on the phone around his fam. Maybe it is something silly like that, or he’s just uncomfortable because they’re not as lovey over there (my family is super affectionate, Mr.ND’s is the opposite). If it really is just something simple like that, perhaps you two can come up with your own phrase that you know means I love you but is just easier for him to say around them. Something like “I’ll see you at home” or even more code-like “Yep, I’ll get some milk on the way home.” Maybe he’s having trouble with something, and since he clearly knows that this is bugging you (he felt bad that you were upset), maybe there’s something deeper that’s troubling him that he just hasn’t talked about.

I hope he can work this out with you. It’s important to feel loved, and if hearing it is how you feel loved, he should do his best to make sure you hear it, and often!

Post # 5
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m actually on the opposite end of thinking here – my Darling Husband is like this and it really doesn’t bother me much, because sadly he is from a family where they just don’t really express those feelings. My family says love you every time someone is hanging up the phone or leaving a room, same goes for hugs. His really doesn’t have any of that, and I know they’d give him a hard time for, well, basically just expressing his feelings like that. Yeah, it’s lame that I know they’d rib him about it, but I don’t think it’s worth making him feel uncomfortable or have to defend me/himself to his family, so I just let it go.

The fact that he blatantly lies about it though, and claims to say it when you both know he never did, would bother me.

Post # 6
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

courtney1188  im with you on this. My own family doesnt even say it that much, so for this it wouldnt really bother me. I think that he knows what is happening and he cant do it. not that it means anything at all.. and the lying, id just say it is his normal response to getting out of trouble… like anyone who doesnt want to be introuble. perhaps talk to him about it, find out if he doesnt like saying the word in front of ppl. this could be his PDA that he is not comfortable with. perhaps come up with a code word that onnly the 2 of you know.. and he can say that.. and that way hes not being on display and you know he does love you.

Post # 7
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t know if this is indicitive of any problems or anything. Me and my fiance’ have been together for 10 years. We didn’t start saying “I love you” until we got engaged..I guess it wasn’t our thing…but once we were engaged we made a choice to just do it, because we could regret not telling eachother we love eachother. It was akward at first but now it’s like nothing. I don’t really think saying it or not saying it means anything unless it bothers one person. In this case it’s upsetting you.

I know my fiancee’ isn’t as affectionate with me around others, meaning family and friends, although he will say I love you, not that the situation presents itself often, but he doesn’t go out of his way to say it….but I know him and I just know he isn’t the kind of guy who gets mushy in front of family/friends. I kinda feel said if I’m craving attention and we have no alone time…..but other than that, it doesn’t bother me. I think you have to pick your battles.

If you want him to say “I love you” say it to him first. If he doesn’t respond accordingly, then you have a problem.

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