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wow oh my god I am so sorry you have to go through this. First of all, did you make it clear on the invitations that plus one is not to be bought in under any circumstainces? That the invitation is for certain families only and no, it is not for extended? If not you are going to have to unfortuantly put your foot down. It is your wedding and no matter how much it hurts, it is going to have to be approached. And I am sorry but for anyone to say "people are telling me I should have expected and accounted for it." is uncalled for. It is your wedding, your budget and your venue. If you cannot afford to pay for everyone or cannot fit everyone, than you have the right to pick and choose who you want to invite. It is not THEIR wedding.
Your reasoning is correct, but it seems like you invited ALOT of people knowing you can only fit 200? What is your count at now? Do you have a plan if more than 200 invited guests say yes?
Sorry you have to go through this. Its time to put your foot down and tell your FI that he needs to assist in assuring only 200 attend. Honestly, it will not just work itself out because you will be an unhappy stress out bride.(One of my Bestie is an Event Planner/DOC so I've seen it all) I would honestly let everyone know that they can not bring additional ppl, its is an Adult only affair, and its not "Date Night" on your dime.(One of the reasons why I actually wrote who and how many could attend on my RSVP cards. BTW- I only invited 45ppl)
Friends and family forget that weddings are costly as well as a huge production. The anxiety and stress you are feeling is due to trying to plan one of your happiest days on this Earth. If you don't have a support group right now to rally for you, I suggest you recruit some ppl who will assist in getting your point across. This should help take off the pressure and having to be Bridezilla. My MOH was my sounding board and Thank God she kept me from going Batty. Also other gf keep me inline(I'm soo Type A) and made sure it wasn't all about the wedding 24/7.
If you don't have a DOC, I highly suggest you hire one or have a friend act as one that day. Also make sure to have a picture handler.
Tonight take a break, have a glass of wine, put on some soothing music and dance w/ your FI. Don't let the craziness drive you to become a Bridezilla:)
We've been experiencing the same thing - lots of uninvited children and a few uninvited plus ones.
In your situation, even at the beginning with 340 on your list - holy cow, that's a lot of people. If you use the 75% acceptance rate, that still puts you at 255 people.
I'd be curious as well - how many "Yes" do you already have?
At this point, I think you and your fiance need to get on the same page and then start contacting everyone that has broken your rules and simply let them know who was invited and who will be allowed to come. We've been sending out emails, similar to this....
"We recently received your RSVP indicating 4 guests will be attending our wedding. While we would love to have everyone's children (or in your case, "date" or "family") attend the wedding, due to limited space and seating we are only able to accommodate children of family members. We hope you understand and are still able to share in our special day."
And sometimes I add ...
"I hope you understand, it’s nothing against your children, but if we allowed everyone to bring their children, we’d have an additional 50+ guests that we simply don’t have room for. "
Its not going to work itself out. No one has a right to add extra people to your wedding (and impacting your budget).
You both need to start making calls now. Something to the affect of "We received your RSVP and are looking forward to celebrating with you. We noticed that you marked down X # of seats, when we allocated X#. Unfortuntely, our venue has strict capacity limits . As it stands now we are going to be in violation of fire codes if we don't respect those guidelines. We look forward to seeing you, but if you not able to attend because of this we understand."
Its none of their business about how many total seats their are, or how many other people are coming. So don't let them rail road you into adding a bunch of +s.
Thanks guys!
@venomvixen - I think I was too nice. We did make the capacity restrictions VERY clear, as well as Adult Reception Only, but I did not say "Guest Not Allowed" on the invitation.
@futuremrsmp - Like I said, that total count includes the people that have already told us that they can't be there because they live either out of country or out of state. We have to send them invitations though, because they are family. It also includes our B count that we plan on sending these terrible ceremony only invitations. I have been against this whole thing, but my FI cannot reconcile himself to not inviting someone. My count now is a -1 seat available, and that's IF we allow for all of these plus ones. The ridiculous ones (extra families of 4 and 5) we already called and the kids I addressed as well. I don't have a plan because I don't know what the plan can be! My FI says that since it's a city park community center, then people can go outside and eat at the picnic tables. In October. Away from the party. In the cold. I don't like that, but if they insist on bringing someone that's not invited then I think we have no choice. Our current plan is to tell people that we cannot promise a seat for someone who was not listed on the invitation, and have a door man to enforce that upon entry. If your name isn't on the list, you're not coming in. lol!
Just FYI and for your calculating pleasure, 119 of the 340 are people that are either B list or already told us that they are unable to attend. My realistic guest list that I was originally working with is 221, so it should have put us just about right to make for unexpected changes in plan.
@Khairing Bee: You don't have to say "No guest allowed" - the people listed on the invitation are the people who were invited. If you invited, "Ms. Joan Smith" then Joan is invited...not Joan and her date or her 3 family members you've never met.
When is your RSVP cut off date? I'm assuming a ways off since your wedding is in October? I would make your "rules" and enforce them - no plus ones unless they were invited, no random guests, no family members or children. I'd stick to your guns on this one.
Just straight out tell them that you are at capacity and if one more person is invited the city will shut it down. For the people saying "I know so and so isn't going so I am bringing so and so to his/her place" just let them know that IF you have the extra space after your 2nd round of invitations goes out then you will consider it but, that you currently have some other people on the "waiting list" to be invited.
@milesbella - RSVP cutoff is August 31st. We wanted it early so that we could invite our B list if we were able. I know there will be stragglers.
You need to get this sorted NOW. Call those who have 'added' guests and tell them that you are very sorry, but that the invite was for them, and them only. No exceptions. If you don't this will only get worse and you'll end up getting more and more stressed. Good luck.
You are not being rude and unreasonable by making it clear that uninvited guests are not allowed. That is what not being invited means - they are the ones being out of line if they try to bring people. It's like if you make a dinner reservation or are going to a play with friends. Once you've made the plans, someone can ask if it is feasible and okay to bring someone else, but if they expect that everyone will run around backwards to accomodate them, they're being entitled and ridiculous.
You and your fiance need to start calling every guest who RSVP'd for additional, uninvited guests, and tell them what you're telling us here. He should take his side, you should take yours. No exceptions, because it's the different types of treatment that get people upset. Make it clear that while you'd love to have more people, there are very clear fire marshall rules and anyone not invited will have to be turned away as per those rules.
Be clear, consistent and standing your ground. That does not make you a bridezilla. That makes you someone who is having a private party and not a free community event.
I'm sending big hugs your way. I don't have any advice for you (although it looks like the other bees have some fabulous words of wisdom). I'm in a similar situation, although on a much smaller scale.
Good luck girl!
yeah, you unfortunately have to be very firm with these rude people. also, it sounds like you already know this, but i would STRONGLY discourage you from sending out ceremony only invites- even if you have to knock your fiance unconscious when you are mailing them out =)
I came across this thread and was curious how your wedding turned out with all the headcount/guestlist drama? I am bracing myself for similar situation with guests RSVPing with additional guests/children even though we were pretty specific about who is/isn't invited.
We also made a big mistake in not calculating ourselves and our parents in the guestcount (I know, so stupid of us to space out like that), and had a family of 4 (who are distant relatives to me, but close to my Dad) invite themselves even though we weren't planning on inviting them. It would cause too much drama to tell them they are not invited, so we let it go.
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Now I know the purpose of these boards!
Our guest list was stressful from the very beginning. Mr. Khairing Bee has a very large family, and we have a lot of friends as well. Unfortunately our budget and venue will only allow us a 200 head count, which as lead to a lot of nail biting, tears and flailing of arms (mostly on the part of Mr. Khairing Bee who would like the entire realm of our acquaintance to attend). After the 201st person darkens the door, the city will shut down the party. Unfortunately and although I absolutely love it, this was the ONLY available venue in our budget, taste and vicinity.
We worked out our guest list exactly - we (rudely) did not allow for plus ones to our single friends, and we also have made it very clear on our RSVP cards that this is an "Adult Reception Only". We still had 340 people on the list, including our out of town guests that we already knew would not be able to attend and our B list that unfortunately won't get an invitation at all until after we have enough cancellations. Discounting those people, I worked it all out with 10 extra seats at the end of the day - 190 guests truly expected! Also knowing that not "everyone" will be able to attend that we expected, I felt pretty good about finally getting those stupid invitations out in the mail.
To my utter shock and dismay, our RSVP cards are returning with not just "Plus Ones" but like so - "Relatives visiting, will also be attending (+2). +4 because I know you meant to invite my extended family too (from an original party of 1). Plus one, plus one, plus one. Can I bring a couple of friends, they won't eat. I met a girl at the bar last night and asked her to be my date to your wedding. Although your card says "Adult Reception Only", I'm bringing my 6 year old kid since I'd REALLY like to be able to attend both the ceremony and the reception. Come on - just 'one' person won't hurt, right?? Well, I know that Jane isn't going, so I decided to bring someone with me instead and she can just have her seat."
I've been alternately crying and discouraged for about a week because I feel that our "friends" and family are being extremely thoughtless and I'm really afraid that our wedding is going to be shut down because too many people show up. I'm overwhelmed and feel terrible about putting my foot down, but really don't know what else to do. If I allow for one, then I have to allow for everyone! Many are not asking us, but telling us what they are going to do and then they making me feel like a jerk when I tell them that we can't do it.
The sad thing is, we would really LOVE to have everyone. Mr. Khairing Bee is distressed to tell anyone they can't do anything and is conviced that "it will all work out". I am not as convinced, so I've been the bearer of bad news and a regular stressed out, crying, weight losing (well that's ok) Bridezilla. Since I never would think to bring an extra friend to somebody else's wedding, I'm totally baffled by this, but people are telling me I should have expected and accounted for it.
My thoughts in response are generally this:
a.) You go to every other party and function as a "single" person and fully enjoy the pleasure and company of our large circle of friends. What you are telling me is that our wedding is not as important as Joe's birthday party and you do not trust the pleasure of OUR company and entertainment style to be sufficient for you to have a good time.
b.) I gave you more than two months notice - if you REALLY want to be there, you can take the effort to find a babysitter.
c.) You just met this girl - what if she's crazy?
d.) This isn't my wedding anymore. I wanted something moderate and special, not huge and chaotic.
e.) You're perfect stranger is taking the seat of a very large and dear circle of friends that I really want to be there.
I need some fellow brides to vent with and hopefully receive some perspective. So, please give me whatever advice, comfort, criticism that you have. How should I handle not only the responses, but the nerves and anxiety that have come with it?