Heading to couples counseling–advice, encouragement and stories needed

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

ChicoryCreek:  *HUGS*  Sorry you’re dealing with this, but couples counseling can really help.  I was in a similar situation a few years ago and it took a lot of work, but it was worth all the struggle.  Hopefully, your BF can see where you’re coming from and find his independence from his parents.  Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.  Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

In your post, you don’t mention how old your BF is.  

As someone who was married to someone like this – he took 6 years to tell his parents we were in a relationship, another year to tell them we were engaged, we have now been seperated for 4 years and he STILL hasn’t told his father ( MIL is now deceased)  –  all I can say is that if he is over the age of 21, I would give up, break up and move on.  It doesn’t get any better.

 

Post # 5
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ChicoryCreek:  Stop insisting he make his parents apologize to you. 

I think the real question you need to ask yourself is how much influence they actually have over your boyfriend.  That is far more important than him taking some dramatic stand to “protect” you.

What I mean is, when his mother accuses you of attacking her, does he believe her and accuse you too or does he dismiss what she says and blow her off? Does he or the two of you make decisions that he immediately reverses if his parents disapprove? Do they control or have access to his finances?  

What his parents think and say only has as much power and influence as he allows.  If he doesn’t substitute their judgement for his own but just feels guilty they are upset, the situation isn’t that dire.  If he does take their opinions as gospel and takes an “it’s me and my parents against you, evil temptress!” attitude then you should seriously consider bailing.  If it’s somewhere in between, then try to work things out but maybe ease up on your expectation that he defend you tooth and nail.  They are his parents, he loves them.  What matters is that he doesn’t allow them to interfere, not that he tells them off or makes them apologize. 

 

Post # 7
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I think counsulling will help, it will be good for your bf to get the unbiased opinion of a third party.

Having said that I used to be engaged to someone exactly like your bf, the only son of a very rich family, and they didn’t like me because my family was not rich, even though I was much more successful than their son career and school wise.  I believe the mother also had some serious jelousy issues because my ex-FI really loved me and did do his best to stand up for them. Our relationship lasted about 2.5 years to the point where we were ordering my wedding dress and planning the wedding but unfortunately I realized that his family would never change and neither would he, once we went to the store to buy some patatos his mom had asked him to buy and he actually called his mom from the store to ask which patato he should get! I was pretty disgusted. Needless to say we broke up, I couldn’t put up with that for the rest of my life, not even teh potential of that.

I hope youre story turns out differently and its great that you’re going to get help BEFORE you get engaged. VERY SMART thing to do.

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ChicoryCreek:  One thing I’ve learned in life is that men hate – with a passion, will walk on fire to avoid – a messy, emotional confrontation. Seriously. Add to the mix the confrontation is with his mother and they just do not want to go there.

I think your situation sounds hopeful.  Your boyfriend is only 25 and still rather freshly out of the nest.  He and his parents are still making the transition of letting him be an adult.  He sounds like he is aware they are too clingy but he also feels guilt.  It’s not all that unusual. 

Remember that actions speak so much louder than words.  You feel attacked but your boyfriends actions DO support you and the relationship and trust me, that isn’t lost on his parents. Don’t make the mistake of giving them even more power by allowing their words and opinions make you angry with your boyfriend when HE isn’t listening to them. He may not challenge their accusations, but he also doesn’t believe them or act on them and that is good news for you. 

Post # 10
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ChicoryCreek:  I am glad you guys have made the decision to go to counseling together. However for this to work YOU need to give as well. All I am hearing is what you want and YOU drew a line in the sand.

For example this paragraph:

He said he stood his ground best he could and they eventually gave it a rest. At this point, however, I am very seriously at my breaking point, and told him we would break up if this shit didnt stop, because Im not dealing with this for the rest of my life. I “drew the line in the sand”, if you will, and told him he needed to stand upfor me, tell them to apologize to me and make some boundaries with them, or that was it. <br /><br />So he stood his ground and you still punished him for it? You should have been encouraging him at this point and not thowing out ultimatums. 

Also you can not seriously expect him to make them apologise? How can anyone make soemone else apologise?

Honestly it sounds like both of you could do with some individual counseling as well to help with each of your own issues.

Post # 13
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ChicoryCreek:  So he told you to your face that he will not stand up for you? And you are staying with him? He has basically said that his relationship with his parents tops your relationship.

Honestly I would say that you should speak to a counsellor about why you feel like you need to stay with someone like this? You are choosing to be in a relationship with a man that allows others to disrespect his partner without saying a word. That is not healthy.

Post # 14
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ChicoryCreek:  Well, he is kind of caught in the middle.  Yes, his primary, adult relationship is with you but his parents are still his parents.  He doesn’t want to be in constant conflict with them.

Does he allow his Mom to walk all over you? How? Because to me, not challenging her when she makes accusations against you isn’t allowing her to walk all over you.  While I get it’s upsetting he doesn’t defend you he also doesnt agree with his mother and she knows it.  

Remember too that if you critisize or become angry with his parents, he’s going to get defensive.  Try to stay on the same side.  

It’s easier for you to be strong because you are not emotionally attached to his parents, you know? This is new territory for him so he’s just trying to keep things peaceful which, trust me, is a very common male trait in situations like this. 

The counselor will help. 

Post # 15
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

j_jaye:  Have to agree with all of this.

He’s told you that he wants to have a good relationship with his mother, and will let her do and say whatever she wants as he thinks standing up to her/disagreeing is ‘ruining their relationship‘… so his relationship with her is more important to him than his relationship with you.

I also wouldn’t like the fact that he’s obviously relating all the crap she is saying about you, to you.  ‘My mum has been badmouthing you again’ – what good comes out of you knowing that?  If he isn’t going to confront her, he should at least ignore it, and not be passing it on to you.  His current methods of dealing with the whole situation are just showing how immature he is.

My FILs don’t approve of me for a number of reasons.  As I’m 45, I don’t care, their approval or lack of it don’t make one iota of difference in my life.  They’ve learnt not to badmouth me to FI as when they did he stomped on it pretty sharpish.   I didn’t have to ask him to, and I only found out about what had been said as they’d also included FI in their rant (about a situation which arose on a trip that was 100% FI’s fault…they tried to blame me and he put them straight)

And I would definitely forget getting any sort of apology from them.  I tried that with my ex H back when I was 21.  24 years later, I’m still waiting…

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