Post # 1
My heart is broken right now. We just found out a few months ago that my husband has been diagnosed with a treatable but incurable cancer. We just got married in November. If any of you saw my last post before all of this happend you will see that I posted about me and my husband starting TTC. We were so happy at that time. Oviously, we arent TTC anymore because his health is our number one priority right now.
The doctors said that since he is so young and otherwise healthy they think he has a great chance of respnding to the treatments and keeping the cancer in “remission” for years although they dont know how many years that will be. He started his chemo and it has really taken a toll on him. Everyday I see him in pain and I know he is so sad but he doesnt talk about how he feels much. It is so heartbreaking to see someone so full of life be so down and in so much pain and there is nothing I can do to ease it. He is still able to work thankfully. He said working takes his mind off of things.
One week after the diagnosis my company had major layoffs which included me. I was not upset at the time because I felt that maybe this was a sign that I needed to be home to take care of my husband. He is in so much pain and all of the housework etc has fallen on me, which is fine it makes me feel useful. I am looking for a new job but I thought having a few weeks to collect myself and take care of things would be good for me. However, it just really gives me too much time to think and worry. When I am at home I cant get the fear and worry out of my mind. When my husband comes home I see him in pain and I cant get it off my mind.
We have told our family but our family lives pretty far away. My husband is not ready to tell our friends yet and he wants to avoid them all right now. We have the same friends so I avoid our friends too respecting his wishes because I know I wouldnt be able to keep this a secret and act like all is ok. So it had been very lonely and scary. Our family does visit us oftern lately so that has helped, but our lives have been turned so upside down I dont know how we will ever get it back?
I am so thakful that this cancer is treatable and he seems to be responding well so far and that he does have a good possibility of getting this in remission. But I am so scared because the doctor has told us since it is not curable it will defiantly come back at some point in our lives. Our family has told us that we cant worry about what will come and just need to live day by day and enjoy our lives the best we can. I know they mean well and that is what we should do, but how on earth are we supposed to ever get our lives back to normal knowing that this cancer will return someday whether it be in months 2 years or 10 years?
We both wanted children, but we wonder how we will ever be able to in the future knowing that this will come back at anytime. Right now our focus is of course getting him to feel better and getting him in remission. I just cant help but feel scared that our lives will never resume to any kind of normalcy. I know that is probably not true but right now, as I sitting here alone with no one to really talk to it is hard to see that. I could never tell my fears to my husband and I really dont wanna scare our families either. So I thought maybe posting to you bees may be good therapy for me. I am not even sure if what I have said makes sense as I am just typing this in one sitting. I am not going to go back and reread it because I feel like I wont be able to stand reading what I just wrote. Knowing that this is my life. I apologize for any spelling errors.
I am in my late 20s and my husband in his mid 30s. I feel so sad and feel like our future has been wiped out. (I know that isnt true its just how I feel right now)
Thank you bees for reading and letting me ramble. Has any of you ever been through anything like this? Also, if any bees respond to this post could you please not say to be positive. We have gotten “be positive” so much lately that it makes us both upset. I know it seems like a natural thing to say and that anyone who says it means well but I just dont think I can handle another “Be positive”
Thanks again for reading.
This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by candy08.
This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by candy08.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry you’re both going through this! That’s horrible, and I understand your fears, I think it’s natural to have the fear that things will not go back to normal and to worry about your future together. Sending hugs to you! Lean on your family if you need to, and hopefully your husband will want to tell your friends soon so that you have those supports too.
Post # 3
candy08: I am sorry to hear your situation. I would suggest looking into support groups (perhaps the hospital/facility where your husband is receiving treatment can be of assistance) as it would be helpful to have access to people that have been in your shoes.
As someone who works in the medical field, I would also suggest asking tons of questions… every question that you have demand an answer. Only your husbands doctors will be able to give you a true understanding of what is going on. I would also avoid doing research online as so much incorrect medical information is on the internet……
Post # 4
My dad had/has a very treatable but generally incurable cancer as well. It was discovered when he was 18/19. He had surgery, chemo & radiation. He then had 5 kids. His cancer ‘came back’ once when I was in high school (between kids 4 & 5), it was caught quickly and he had a round of radiation and he’s been clear for the last 14 years.
I know it’s very scary right now, but I share my story so you know that it’s not the end, there’s still the possibilty for the life you dreamed of. Stay positive and supportive. Brighter days are ahead <3
Post # 5
candy08: Wow. You guys are really brave. I am sending prayers yor way that he goes into complete remission! Your post really puts things into perspective, and I hope it will for others as well. I’ve been bummed and stressed about all the work my house needs. Who cares!? My husband, my daughter and I are all healthy and can enjoy each other. Everything else is cake! I can’t have my vow renewal when and where I want….so what!? I’m already married to the love of my life, I need to enjoy today.
OP, I’m hoping your husband makes a full recovery and you can enjoy your lives together. I wouldn’t let this stop you from having children together once he is in remission. Live your lives like he never got the diagnosis. No parent is promised tomorrow, and you never know…..while he is in remission, they might find a CURE for him.
I think you should tell your friends about this. You need all the support you can get. Finding a support group for cancer patients and the loved ones of cancer patients wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Keep fighting the good fight!
Post # 6
candy08: I am so sorry, this must be very hard for you but you need to stay strong for your husband! I am actually a radiation therapy student so I have worked with many people in your situation and I understand what you are going through. Honestly the best thing you can do for both yourself and especially for your husband is as your doctor said, focus on living day to day and making the most of your lives together. As hard as it sounds to actually do, really try not spend too much time worrying about the situation and try to focus your energy on making the most of the precious time you have with your husband (which could still likely be a good, long life together – there are great treatment options to both lengthen and improve quality of life!). Also as PP suggested, definitely look into finding a support group for your husband and yourself, people who have experienced / are experiencing the same situation as you will be able to provide you very valuable with advice and support.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I’m so sorry, how terrifying. Big big internet hugs! I bet there are some great online support groups for family members of cancer patients, if you’re not ready to discuss this with friends yet. HUGS!
Post # 8
I am so sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to cope as a care giver, especially when you can’t lean on your support system of friends. People often overlook how exhausting and frightening it is to be th one watching the person you love, your best friend, suffer and pull away out of pain.
i hope you can find a local support group for caregivers or find time to give yourself a break from holding it together. There no easy way out of anxiety, since everything is unknown.
my thoughts are with you and your family.
Post # 9
Thank you for your kind words. You are right about the “no parent is promised tomorrow”. When he does go into remission we should live our lives and you are right they may find a Cure. Thank you your post it made me feel better. Yes I agree we should tell our friends, but he is being stubborn about that for now. He is going through so much I dont wanna pressure him right now but soon I will talk to him about that.
Post # 10
MsGinkgo: That is great that your dad has been cured for 14 years!I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is just scary right now. Thank you for kind words!
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for your support! I agree with you that we both need to find a support group with people who are going through the samething. It is hard for me to look up any of that now. I am struggling just with normal things right now like grocery shopping and laundry. I know my family will help me look up support groups if I need them too so I will talk to them about that. It will be nice when we can tell our friends to have local support but for now I am trying to to pressure my husband. I know we will eventually tell them. Thanks everyone again for the support. It was so nice just to get this off my chest.
Post # 12
Thanks for understanding. It is so hard to cope as the caregiver. I know I am not going through anything as bad as my husband but watching him in pain is awful. Thanks again for understanding.
Post # 13
I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say I read your post and that I am really sorry you are going through this. What a difficult test for a new marriage. I know in your shoes I would need counselling, preferably with my husband, to help me work through grief and deal with my new life circumstances. Many prayers for you guys.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. I think it’s important to let friends know what’s going on. You need their support right now. This shouldn’t be a secret. If he doesn’t want to see them, talk to them, deal with their “be positive” comments, then he can ignore them and shut them out. But I think they should know what’s going on. He’s probably really scared and exhausted and doesn’t want people to see him like that. But you need to look out for you too. Is there anyone you can trust not to blab to everyone else? You should have someone to talk to besides family. I would confide in my best friend.
I haven’t been through cancer, but my husband is a recovering alcoholic. When he first admitted he had a problem that was out of control, it was only 8 weeks before our wedding. I think we were both in denial about it until then. Suddenly, my whole life came crashing down around me. The future and children seemed out of the question. My hopes and dreams vaporized. I was crushed. The last thing I wanted to do was tell my BMs that we might not be getting married, but I did anyway. I didn’t always answer their calls, but just knowing that they knew and cared and were there for me really helped me to get through it. And my story does have a happy ending. My husband checked himself into rehab and has now been sober for over a year. We got married and now we’re expecting a baby.
Life can sometimes seem so unfair and awful and unbearable. But it can also turn around again. I won’t say be positive but I will say have faith. Have faith that everything happens for a reason and that God can heal him and return your bright future to you. He works miracles every day. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Post # 15
candy08: in our house, we pray. He is in my prayers for all who have cancer. The neat thing about prayer is that it’s not like medicine. You don’t have to “take it” but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be given.
Please keep posting here until you are able to share your news with your friends.
I’m sure we will all be sending positive thoughts and feelings your way.