Post # 1
Hi Bees, I’m not sure what I’m looking for beyond comfort here. I really don’t want to give up, but I’m feeling really low right now, especially coming off of a bit of a peak the last little bit with some positive conversations with SO. I think it may be that I’ve just pushed too far, but I don’t want to blame it all on me… I love SO very much, and I really don’t want to see this escalate too much, but I’m not interested in apologizing for being cross with him, and I don’t want him to have to say he’s sorry for how he feels either… So I was wondering if maybe anyone else knows how we can solve this without that being the clincher…
Anyway, SO and I were talking tonight about commitment/marriage etc. He is leaving in September for 2 years (very far, we will be able to visit maybe 2x a year) and I expressed that I would like to be engaged before he leaves. Knowing that that wasn’t much time, and it would place him under a lot of pressure, I reassured him that I wasn’t going to break up with him if it didn’t happen, it was just letting him know where my head is at, and what my preference is. He didn’t seem upset by it at all. Then we were talking a little bit about why he wants to wait (all good, sensible reasons) but then I asked him a question I’ve been wanting to ask for a while… I asked what would change if he didn’t have to buy me a ring, and then I asked what would happen if we eloped and just went to the court house and went for it, if that would change anything. He didn’t say anything… So I said “I don’t need a ring, and I would go to the courthouse tomorrow if that’s what you wanted, even though it’s not really what I had in mind, or what I want.” I also clarified that the reason I would be willing to do that is because I want him more than I want a ring, and I want a marriage more than I want a wedding.
Even though I want a ring and a wedding very much. Whatever, so things were fine, and then something switched, I don’t really know what… But things got more serious, maybe just more sad. We were snuggling on the couch and I was just staring off into space, and he drops this bomb on me: “I don’t know why I’m not sure about us, baby. I’m just not. I wish I was.” … Um? What? So I asked him if he meant if he “wasn’t ready to get married” or he “wasn’t sure about our relationship” and he said the second one. I don’t even know what to do right now.
I feel like everything is coming tumbling down…
Post # 2
I’m sorry Bee 🙁 Sending hugs!
Guys can get pretty freaked out about these big conversations. Perhaps the conversation just put some pressure on him and scared him a little. I wouldn’t say you should run of the hills or anything like that but maybe you should just let the air settle between you two and bring this back up in a week or so. Tell him you have been thinking about the conversation and what he said and ask him (calmly as possible) if he really is having doubts about the relationship. If he still is, try to find out where exactly are the doubts coming from and try to just get a better insight. He may just be be nervous and the pressure of moving for several years is putting a lot of pressure on him to decide if he wants to get married, get engaged, or even continue dating someone he will see 2x a year. That’s A LOT of space in a relationship. Not that it can’t be done, but it defiitely makes things harder. Keep us updated and stay strong and try not to jump to conclusions until you talk more!
Post # 3
Honestly, it doesn’t sound promising. Guys tend to say what they really mean. I don’t really blame him for being unsure. I would be unsure if I could only see a SO 2x a year too. I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but I’m not sure that really matters. It just sounds like you’re in 2 very different places. Plus, don’t you want to be with and marry someone who couldn’t be more sure that you’re the one?
Post # 4
I’m very sorry. That’s a tough thing to hear. It sounds like he wants to be “free” when he leaves. It’ll be tough, but I would definitely give him his space. There’s no way I’d want to be with a man (much less marry one) that said he wasn’t sure about our relationship. Good luck!
Post # 5
I’m sorry. I have to agree with Cory_loves_this_girl:. I think that there is someone else out there that you are meant to marry. It doesn’t mean either of you are bad people or that you don’t care about each other, but the circumstances coupled with your boyfriend’s comments tell me that he isn’t the one right now. I wish you the best.
Post # 6
peachykeener: I’m really sorry, honey. I think he’s being honest with you, and you need some time to accept it. He’s put the ball in your court. Only you can decide what do to with it.
Post # 7
Cory_loves_this_girl: Thank you for your honesty, as hard as it is to swallow.
We’ve been together a bit longer than 3 years. Will be 3.5 years in May. We’ve been officially living together since September 2012, and we’re very close with each other’s families. If it can’t be fixed I will be absolutely shattered. I really don’t want it to be over and would love to hear from anyone who has maybe heard something similar to this that just ended up being cold feet or indecision, and things ended up working out in the end??
Post # 8
I know it is very upsetting to hear that from someone whom you thought would marry. I think I can shed some light into his way of thinking, though.
When my husband and I were dating, we were also faced with a 2-year long distance with seeing each other maybe twice a year. My then boyfriend actually wanted to get married, but I wanted to go to grad school here (not following him overseas). I also wanted to be more sure about our relationship, not because I didn’t love him enough, but because it is a life-altering commitment. I was very much in love, but wanted to think it through with a clear head. As such, I couldn’t make a solid commitment before he left. We agreed to continue dating with the hope that we would marry in 2 years, but nothing set in stone.
A year into our LDR, I visited him and met his family for the first time. His mother asked if I was going to marry him once I graduated. I still couldn’t answer because I was worried about moving overseas, away from my family and friends. I didn’t want to say that I would, then go back on my word. I really hate breaking promises, and despite my good intentions, something could happen while we were apart for another year.
Fast forward another 6 months with my graduation in sight, I finally made the commitment to marry him. Because I was able to take the time to think through my decision and not be swayed by my blinding love for him, I was very happy and sure with my decision.
Now we have been married almost 2 years with a baby, and we are still very happy and in love. My move overseas also went smoothly and I have made some new friends there.
Sorry for the novel, but I just wanted to share with you that it might not mean he doesn’t love you or care for you. If he is someone like me who has to think long before making a big decision, he may need some time. Plus with the prospecy of LDR, he may not want to make a commitment he might not be able to keep. LDR is very hard on many couples and 2 years is a long time. I would suggest having a few more conversations about your expectations and figure out from there. Hope things work out for you.
Post # 9
peachykeener: Oh man, that is so sad, first the stunned silence and then his comment.
I don’t think he means: sorry we’re not compatible, or sorry I don’t like you.. but it’s neither here nor there, because he is not offering anything vagule concrete about the future either. I’m not sure if he wants to keep his options open, or if he just feels too young to go further with anyone especially as he is going away.
“I reassured him that I wasn’t going to break up with him if it didn’t happen” is a very interesting statement, considering a lot of Bees are saying they are not impressed with him and would not bother with him after what he replied. The thing is, with that, you gave him a way out with by guaranteeing that either way you wouldn’t leave. Maybe you are dependent on him emotionally, so you couldn’t envisage leaving him… but what else would make him agree, other than a threat, if you really wanted to test his feelings? I think what you are after is a guarantee, that if you wait another two years, you won’t be left stranded. You wanted a ring as a sign of commitment.
So basically you have given him a guarantee and he has given no promise or even any great hope for the future with his: I don’t know why I’m not sure about us, baby. I’m just not. I wish I was
Can you not move to where he is going? Can you transfer college (if that is where you are), or take a year out? If you feel strongly about him it might be worth it. Then at least you will have done all in your power to stay together. The danger is you may scare him off, but you do need to know where you stand. Has he said anything at all about the future? Apart from visiting twice a year?
Does he have family where he is going? Or friends?
Post # 10
peachykeener: From what you’re saying it sounds like he is keeping his options open. After all this time and living together he should be sure of your relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t stay with someone who was not committed to me any more than that after all this time. He is leaving for 2 years anyway, may be time to cut your losses.
Post # 11
I think the fact that you two will only see each other twice a year in the next two years is what’s scared him. Some couples don’t make it through long distance relationships. Some couples make it through no problem. I don’t think it has anything to do with how he feels about you, but more so about what could happen in the length of time. I think it would be very wise not to get married before he leaves.
But I don’t think you should end the relationship or anything. Try and stay strong for the next two years. If your relationship can survive, then I think you two will be able to survive anything.
Post # 12
I think when people tell you how they feel you gotta listen and really hear them- not excuse the situation because it’s too painful to deal with. The writing is on the wall. I would let him go and keep dating. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever get back together but you just don’t wait 2 years for someone who’s not sure.
Post # 13
peachykeener: I was officially living with someone for a couple of years and it didn’t work. It sucked and he moved out and I moved on after a rough summertime. Fast forward a couple of years and I met FH. Best breakup ever!
Post # 14
I can’t imagine hearing those words. If I were you I’d get clarification right now about what he meant.
It’s not like he said “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do LD” he told you he wasn’t sure of your relationship and his emotions towards you. I honestly don’t know that there is a way to come back from that.
Long distance is TOUGH (I see my guy 4x a year) and it tests even the strongest relationships. Honestly, if he’s going into it unsure of his emotions towards you I cannot see it working.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
My response depends on how long you have been dating. If it’s more than 2 years then he’s had plenty of time to figure out where he sees your relationship going. If it’s less than two years it may be worth trying to date long distance (LDR) for at least a few months to see how things go.
LDRs are really tough and most LDRs do not work out. If he’s not sure where you are in your relationship before embarking on a two year LDR, it doesn’t bode well for your future together imo. He doesn’t have to propose to you before moving but it’s fair to want to know where you stand before spending your time and energy on a LDR.
Unfortunately I don’t think he sees a future with you. 🙁