Weddingbee boards

This a long post but I really could use your honest advice here about a MAJOR talk we had last night and I think I've pretty much issued an ultimatum.  Just a little background: I've been with my SO for 5 years now, he's the love of my life and treats me amazingly.  We're both 30, professionals and have no finanical issues. Let me be clear that I have NO DOUBT he wants to marry me and loves me. BUT this is a classic case of a man who loves a woman deeply but for WHATEVER reason has been dragging his feet.  And I really feel that I am to blame for that because I haven't taken a stand.

 For the past few years I've discussed  marriage with himand he has always told me he wants to marry me and that it will happen when the time is right.   Up until now, I knew he was saving money for us so I really didn't pressure him.  Each year would pass and nothing would happen in terms of some type of progress. 

Last year I started to get really anxious since it seemed that NOTHING was happening so I had  several conversations with him over the course of last year.  He promised me we would be married by Dec. 2011 and that he would do something this year.  Let me just say that he is a man of his word so I truly believed based on conversations we've had that we would be engaged by this summer. But recently I sensed that it would not happen this summer--and my sense was right.

So, last night I broke down and told him that I just didn't know when something would happen.  I told him I felt pressure from my family but that I was also running out of patience. I told him that I'm 30 and life is just passing me by.  He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me but that he couldnt tell me when we would be married, but that it would be in the near future (not years from now).  He basically said his family is going through a financial crisis.  I asked him what that has to do with us since we have SO much money saved up.  I feel that each year it's a different reason to push things back.  I said I couldn't think of one reason why we cannot be at least engaged at this point. And he really did not have an answer for me--he just kept repeating that he promised we would be married.  But for whatever reason he just could NOT give me a time.  We ended up getting into a huge fight and I walked away, went home and balled my eyes out. 

Then he calls me several times last night telling me how much he misses me/loves me and that he would do anything and whatever it takes to be with me.  I told him thaT I truly have been patient and I believed him when he told me last year that this would be our year. I told him that if he's serious about us then something has to happen in the next few months--as he had promised me before that it would.  He asked me if I'm giving him a deadline and I said no, but that I really need to see SOME progress in this relationship, at least a step forward after 5 years together. He kept saying that he wants everything to be perfect and the right circumstances to be present when we get married. I told him that life is messy and that although I feel terrible for his familys' problems, I really don't see what it has to do with us since we are independed in every way. I reminded him that people get engaged/married in the WORSt of circumstances.

So he told me he would talk to his family (who are abroad) and try to get them to come here sooner to meet my family.  And he keeps promising me he'll do something soon.  All i Know is I have to stand my ground and tell him that if something doesnt happen soon, that will be my answer.  I still feel like he's not giving me a clear answer about whether or not there will be some progress. He just told me that I would see when we're married and have kids that I was worrying for nothing.  I asked him if it was "now or never" for us in terms of getting engaged and married what would he do? He said he would marry me if it came to that--which tells me that for whatever reason he is dragging his feet and I'm the one who needs to take a stand here.

It's so frustrating because I feel like I backed him into a corner but at the same time, I have to keep my interests in mind.  After all, I compromised for him and waited for years when he asked me to wait....and now all I'm asking for is some progress.

Ladies, do you think what I did was wrong or that I was in the right for really just putting him on the spot, given that years have come and gone and NOTHING has happened?

I don't think you are wrong at all! In fact, I think you are WAY more patient than most women would be, seeing as you are 30 and you have already been together 5 years.  You should expect some progress at this point in your life, especially if you both want children someday. While I am younger than you, my FI and I were together 4 years before we got engaged and over that time we had many talks about our future, some productive, and some more emotional ones, but it was pretty much always on the table past the 3 year mark.  The only reason I waited so long is because we were both in school- seeing as you all have no such hurdles I don't see what his problem is! You mentioned that his family is abroad- could this be a cultural thing? Maybe he needs there to be some kind of relationship between your families before joining them? Perhaps once his family meets yours things will change.

@leembee: Thanks so much.  Yes, I am at the point where I just don't have it in me anymore to keep waiting--particularly considering there is NO reason why we can't take the next step now.  I told him this directly and his response was that he's going to do everything in his power to make it happen soon.  But of course he still couldn't tell me that it would happen when he originally said it would (this summer).  So i told him: listen, i expect some sort of progress in the next few months and if you can't do that then you have to tell me, i deserve that much.  He again asked me to just give him a few months and that he would do anything I asked....God, I really hope this isn't an endless cycle. 

I'm wondering if I should just be even more assertive and say to him that I do have a deadline--which is what he asked me last night but I didn't say I was giving him a deadline..

@Wonderwoman217:

Good question.  Yes I believe it has something to do with it--he said that he has to try to convince his parents to come back soon and that he would have to first ask  my father for my hand, and that there are all these things he has to do to make it right.

I just said to him that it's all very simple and that if HE wants to be with me, HE will make it happen. I just kept reminding him that I've done more than enough waiting and that I just don't have it in me to wait any longer without some sort of progress.  We'll be discussing this more tonight.  But I wanted to see what you all thought and whether I should be even MORE assertive in my stance. 

@Floridagirl2010: Thank You.

His family lives very close to me here in the US.  The reason they are abroad is because they are having some MAJOR financial issues so they are trying to work something out (I'm not sure what).  My SO for whatever reason keeps saying that his family is in a VERY bad situation and that he feels so much pressure.  But at the end of the day, he had no answer when I asked him what that has to do with US, considering we have money and are independent. 

At the end of the day, I love him SO much that I was willing to wait.  But now I am seriously considering telling him flat out that either something HAS to happen this summer or I will have to make a difficult choice.  I just dont know how to say this to him considering he repeatedly keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he will marry me.

How do you all recommend that I issue this ultimatum?  How should I say it?

@jackndiane: 

Well, he never gave me a date before but would tell me generally that it would happen in the "next year or two"--well the years came and went and nothing happened.  Last year he actually said that we would be married this year.  But now he is backing up and making all sorts of excuses. 

Bottom line, I trust him and love him but I cannot wait any longer.  I think I will tell him this tonight.  He even said to me that if he had to make a choice of now or never, he would marry me now.  I'm just too chicken to MAKE him make a choice.

@mwitter80: We did have a timeline--he said it would happen this year.  But for whatever reason he can't meet that time now.  When I told him that I can't wait any longer he said he would do anything for me and do all that he can to make it happen soon.

How do you respond to someone who so lovingly tells you that he will marry you and that he is doing all that he can to make it happen? I'm not getting the answers I need from him in terms of why it's not happening now and I don't know how to get them.  He just keeps saying he promises he'll do something in the next few months....but that's what he always says.

@Bostonsmom: That's very helpful.  I will definitely say that to him tonight.  I've reached a point where I am no longer feeling sorry for him being pressured or bla bla bla.  More than anything I care about myself right now and my interests--something I've never done before. 

Here is what I know for a fact: if I issue an ultimatum to him, we WILL get engaged.  I just know that for sure.  But I'm afraid of forcing his hand into something and then later it coming back to bite me.  In an ideal world, I would have liked for this engagement to happen naturally without any pressure from me.  But then again this is not an ideal world. 

@stthomasbride1: Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, I will be taking a stand.  I have never felt so emotionally exhausted in my life.  And all he keeps saying is how much he wants me to be happy.  I'm sick of pretending to be happy when my heart is breaking inside.  I have to straight out tell him that it's now or never.

@mxpinky: Well, it could happen without the families meeting and I will present that idea to him tonight. 

I know he loves me more than anything.  I just have been SO weak in terms of sitting back and not saying a word to him while the years passed. I just can't wait anymore, I've reached a point where something HAS to happen. 

@mxpinky: And I love your comment about never being 100% ready for anything in life--I told him that too last night.  It seemed to really WAKE him up.

@mwitter80: Tonight I will tell him that if nothing happens by this July (which is the time which he has begged me to give him), then I just can't wait any longer.

@armychica06: No, he knows how much my parents love him.  I've never told him that my mother is unhappy with the state of our relationship, but I've expressed to him that she is worried for me.

The bottom line is that he could not provide me ONE reason why we couldn't get engaged now.  All he kept saying was that he PROMISED it would happen soon and that he would do anything for me. 

I just feel sick because I'm terrified that this cycle will never end.  I am the only one that could put an end to this cycle by giving him an ultimatum.

@Bostonsmom: How did you give him that final push?

You know what my problem has always been? I look into his eyes and see how much he loves me, then I look around and see how hard he works and ALL the problems he has in his life with his family, etc.  Then I feel SO bad for putting him on the spot.  Then I back off and wait ....AGAIN....

it's a cycle...I dont know how to stop it.  But I have to because I AM SICK OF IT.

@jackndiane:Thanks, you're very sweet.

And at this point he's the one doing all the begging and calling me and telling me how much he loves me.  I just feel numb inside and am at a point where I KNOW that if nothing happens soon I just can't handle it anymore. 

I just don't know how to issue an ultimatum without devastating him :(

@Isilme: Thanks.  Here are some answers to your questions:

About his family being abroad: for whatever reason my SO doesn't know when they can come back.  He has PLENTY of money and can get them here if they need financial assistance.  Also, there's no way I can go to them since they are in Iran and I can't travel there.  He says he's going to try to convince them to come back soon.

About his mom being a problem: she was against our relationship for whatever reason but he fought her on it and she has kept quiet for years. I recently asked him if she was still against us and he reassured me that she has nothing against me and that he is independent...

So bottom line--we both have money, we both have jobs....his family is apparently NOT against us...and my SO wants to marry me.....but for whatever reason he CANNOT give me a specific time of when we'll get engaged...he just keeps promising me it will happen

For some reason he thinks I dont trust him when he says he'll marry me...he doesnt seem to grasp the issue that it's not about trusting him it's about WHY nothing has happened at this point, when he said it would

He keeps asking me to just give him some time and that he will do everything to make it happen soon.

 But that doesn't answer my question.  He really is skirting around the issue here.

@armychica06: That's very helpful to me. I'm thinking of telling him this tonight:

You have your reasons for wanting to wait longer and I have my reasons for wanting to take the next step in our relationship.  BUT, I have been more than patient and I've done everything to make sure that you don't feel pressured.  But at this point, I really don't have it in me to be patient much longer.  I need something to happen soon, something concrete that shows we are well on our way to starting our life together.  And if you want to be with me as much as you say you do, then you will make sure that happens for the sake of our relationship.  And if nothing happens, then that will be my answer.

What do you think?

@armychica06: So does what I said sound good to you or should I add anything? 

It seems that my SO REALLY does not want to give me a specific time.  But today when I told him that in my mind I thought we would be engagd soon and married by next fall (2012), he seemed really fine with that idea.  At the same time however he simply could not tell me WHEN we'd get engaged.

He IS fishing for excuses.  All I know is he would do anything to make me happy and my problem has been not speaking up about how unhappy I am with our situation.