(Closed) Heartbroken :(

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In my experience,, you only give an ultimatum if you’re ready to stick to it.  I gave my FI one,, basically told him one night “take a shit or get off the pot”…  (we are in the same situation as you.. have been together for 5 years.. early 30s.. have money.. good jobs.. etc).  Instead of a proposal, I got an engagement that night,, he agreed we should marry and we started looking for a ring and told our families within a few days.  It wasn’t romantic but I could care less.  Had we not got engaged,, I was ready to walk away. Sending good vibes your way ,,, I hope it all works out for you!!!

Post # 4
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@Shirinjoon: I read your post and I wanted to reply and let you know that I feel for you. This waiting is hard! I am in the same boat- constantly questioning myself about whether I am pushing too hard or whether I am not pushing hard enough. You said he promised you that you would be engaged by December 2011. Has he made promises and broken them before? Has he ever given you a date before regarding when you would be engaged? If at all possible, I would wait it out until December. Trust me, I KNOW it’s hard. Hang in there!

 

EDIT: I just re-read your post and see that he promised you marriage not engagement by December 2011. Anyway, sorry about that. Hang in there, stick to your guns, and stay strong

Post # 5
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think you are wrong at all! In fact, I think you are WAY more patient than most women would be, seeing as you are 30 and you have already been together 5 years.  You should expect some progress at this point in your life, especially if you both want children someday. While I am younger than you, my FI and I were together 4 years before we got engaged and over that time we had many talks about our future, some productive, and some more emotional ones, but it was pretty much always on the table past the 3 year mark.  The only reason I waited so long is because we were both in school- seeing as you all have no such hurdles I don’t see what his problem is! You mentioned that his family is abroad- could this be a cultural thing? Maybe he needs there to be some kind of relationship between your families before joining them? Perhaps once his family meets yours things will change.

Post # 7
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’ve done the right thing. Stick to your guns.

I remember from your previous posts that it’s important to him (and you I’m assuming?) that your parents/families have a formal meeting with one another. For cultural/traditional reasons, right? Just curious, what would happen if the two of you became engaged before this familial meeting? Is that even a possibility, or is it out of the question? It seems that the meeting of the families is what is holding him back. Or at least based off of your previous posts (and this one), that’s what stands out to me.  

Post # 9
Member
14305 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I totally understand your fustration.  I was in a relationship before and after 4.5-5 years, I was in the ‘waiting’ stage, and he dragged his feet but said he loved me and that it’d happen.  Finally after 6 years or so, I couldnt take it anymore and ended it… for that and other reasons.  We got back together almost a year later, but during that difficult time I ask him what was wrong?? Why did he let me walk instead of doing something… he said.. ‘i wanted to wait and be sure’.  After 5+ years he wasn’t “sure” after telling me during that time he was “sure”???  omg.  Well, that didnt last again and we ended up splitting after a little while again.

If you ask me, just base on my experience, I say walk now and save more wait and upset.  But I also know people who waited nearly a  decade for an engagement and are happy as can be.  It really depends… Only you know your situation best and what is best for you.  hope it works out for you.

Post # 11
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would definitely give this man an ultimatum, sounds like he keeps thinking up excuses of why it hasn’t happened yet, but he really hasn’t done anything to make it happen.

Post # 14
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Shirinjoon: I think you should have given him a timeline. If you aren’t clear, then you can’t get upset when he doesn’t meet a date you didn’t give him.  I’m 30 as well, you will need time to plan, then get married, perhaps buy a home together, and get yourself situated for having children. You won’t be able to have children for ever. The process needs to start now.

Post # 15
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would say that although you both have great love and respect for eachother, and want to spend the rest of your lives with eachother, you need concrete proof of that in form of an engagement ring to know that he is completely on board with this plan. You have been more than patient with him, he has had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row and if he doesn’t propose by the end of the summer than you are going to have to look elsewhere to get exactly the kind of emotional support and love that you require in a relationship.

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