Heartbroken by my unsupportive parents…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@EyeWin81:  You will never change your parents. They may however eventually change their behavior once granchildren are in the picture. It’s surprising how often that happens.

The only thing you can control right now is your own reaction. I am sure that you have said that to a patient at one time or another.

Post # 4
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

@EyeWin81:  I’m sorry you are hurting. I completely understand what it feels like to have parents that, in what they believe is your best interests, erect barriers to your relationship and happiness. My parents, though very loving people and wonderful parents, can make me feel like a terrible daughter even when I do things by the book. Some of it is, I think, cultural – my parents are Indian-African, and, I experience the same sense of pressure and expectation from my parents. 

I wish I had golden advice for you. The reality is this is a stressful situation fraught with emotion. I’m sorry – and I send hugs and love. 

At the end of the day, you can’t change your parents. But you can close your mind to the negativity, and choose the path of happiness. 

Post # 5
Hostess
30304 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@EyeWin81:  Okay first things first. I feel like I must know you since we are both from California and are both Asian with a Caucasian significant other. Oh, and does it weird you out that I’m a piano teacher for a living?  🙂

To your concerns at hand: I’ve totally been there.  Even though my husband has kind of been the breadwinner between the two of us, we’ve been caught up in situations with my family where it seems that him not continuing on for post-graduate degrees was just not good enough for them (I have up through my doctorate in music).  I think that, in our culture (and perhaps other cultures out there?) it is very common for parents and their children to have this kind of relationship.  It super sucks, and yes, even I have had my downdays where I just have to breakdown and cry over it.  I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, but I mainly just want you to know that you are not alone!  If you ever need to vent more or chat more about this, feel free to send me a PM.  However I can help, just yelp!

ETA: I should add that in the 10 years that DH and I have been together, 2 years married, we still feel like every day the relationship between him and my parents is growing and evolving.  It has been a SUPER slow process, and at times it has been ridiculously hard, but we do feel like progress is being made!

Post # 6
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m in the same boat as you. I don’t even talk with my parents (emotionally abusive, excessively controlling, and yada yada, I could go on for days) and this has made the wedding planning process really heartbreaking in a lot of ways. It is hard not to constantly ask the questions of “what did I do wrong?” “Had I done x differently woudlt hings be better?” and so on.

But you can’t change them though. What has helped me a lot is letting go of all expectations of them. When I expect nothing, I can’t be disappointed, right?

Post # 7
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Are your parents 1st generation Americans? I feel as though sometimes when people look to better their lives by living in a culture different to the one they grew up in, they sometimes picture their quality of life/that of their children as being their own lives… BUT BETTER. It can be hard for parents to realize that ‘better’ for their children can also mean ‘culturally different than the way they grew up.’ Sometimes that means things they think are a big deal aren’t that way to their kids and vice versa.

 

I’ve had family members struggle with that when they married/were partnered to people who weren’t from the same perceived cultural background as ‘the family’ thinks it would like to associate with… like, one of my FAVOURITE extended cousin’s kid (super adorable little baby!!) gets absolutely no attention from her grandfather/step grandmother because they are super snobby and don’t think baby’s momma is good enough, despite the fact that she is a kick ass, financially savvy nurse with a super great sense of humour and a fantastic mom. They pick on stupid sh*t that no body in this country cares about, because they figure they are The Upper Class in the little European country they came from.

 

i guess the hard part is making them understand that your life is as close to ideal for you as you can make it, that you are very happy and satisfied with your life and your FI and as much as they are important to you, your values are a little different than theirs. If you tried to life the life they want you would be unhappy. The best way you can honour the contributions they have made to making you the person you are, is to be the best person you can – by being yourself.

Post # 8
Member
5483 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@EyeWin81:  uh besides the asian part your parents ARE my parents. PM me if you want specifics-I went through something pretty similar with my engagement.

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Live your life and be happy that you have a great husband and may you guys have a happy and long marriage.  Don’t stress yourself about it Hun because you can’t change them! 

 

Post # 10
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh honey. 🙁 I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know it’s hard having unsupportive parents – I’ve been there, but not nearly to the extent you have! – but they do love you. Make it very clear to them in a nice way that you will not change your mind to suit them. You have your own life, your own goals, and they should not be making you feel guilty about that. You sound like you are very strong, and driven. I like that in a person. Tell them you love them, but you will marry whoever you wish, especially if you’re paying for the wedding.

I hope for your sake they warm up to your FI.

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