- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I am sitting here crying and so mad at myself… so I am getting married October 12. I’ve had my dress since February. It’s getting to be alterations time and before I went in for any alterations, I thought it would be a good idea to put it on and get an idea of how it’s fitting these days.
Wellll…. my roommate got the zipper up (with a bit of a struggle) and much to my disappointment but not really my surprise, it was a tight fit. Tight enough that she said that the zipper was pulling a little bit on the sides. NOT what I wanted to hear, but like I said, I wasn’t really surprised.
I realize that I should be wanting to make positive changes not to affect the way I look, but to be healthier and more active overall. Unfortunately, it’s come down to a point where I just plain old have to do something or else I am not going to fit in the dress. Plain and simple.
I am so upset with myself and I don’t understand what my problem is (aside from apparently just a ridiculous case of laziness). I am embarrassed that I waited until this point to realize that I needed to do something…even though I’ve been engaged for over a year, had the dress since the beginning of this year, etc. Did I think I’d see positive changes if I continued eating the way I eat and not add any substantial physical activity to my routine? I joined a gym last November. Went pretty regularly for about 2 months, then just stopped. Why? I was traveling a bit here and there for work, it wasn’t convenient…so I went weeks without going, then months…and I haven’t been since January. When I think that had I kept it up, how different my body would be by now, and how much healthier I’d be,8 months into the year- it makes me even MORE angry and upset.
This is something I’ve struggled with for years, and I also struggle to figure out WHY. I’ve been to 2 different therapists over the years (primarily for generalized anxiety issues) and whenever we broach the topic of health/fitness/exercise/taking better care of myself, I literally just SHUT DOWN. It makes me cry, I am embarrassed about it…and nobody gets it. My roommate means well, but when I’ve tried to talk to her about this stuff, she’ll say stuff like “you just have to do this” or that- cut down on this, exercise more, just DO IT. To most rational people, it stands to reason that I just have to DO these things. And she just doesn’t understand why it’s just not that easy for me. I don’t get it either. It seems like I am making excuses, I know…but that’s not the case either, I feel like it’s deeper than that and I wish I could figure it out.
All I know is that I have a beautiful $800 dress that I need to fit into, exactly 51 days from today 🙁