Weddingbee boards

My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years. We fit together perfectly. We want all the same things in life and we are both ready to move on in life, get a house, get married, etc. There is one little catch. He loves children and I do not. I don't like screaming, spoiled children. Well, not that he does. Anyways, I'm not sure if I ever want children. I think I will one day but I'm not 100% yes. He told me he'll only marry me if I say 100% I want children. To me it is more 80%. I told him all this and he says that it is not good enough that I think I will want children.  I realize this is a super important part of his future and I don't want to be unfair to him. However, it also makes me feel like he does not love me unconditionally. I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him but I also want someone who loves me no matter what.

I'd just like some thoughts from some neutral 3rd parties. Thanks.

I do realize not all children are screaming and bratty. :) And I agree with mrbee that a lot of it is parenting. my cousins are horrible but my aunt and uncle don't ever tell them no. i guess i should clarify additionally. i think that what really is holding me back is i find it all terrifying. i don't want children anytime soon and i just don't really want to think about it yet. I'm young and I'm not ready for children. I just find the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing terrifying. I work in the medical field- that does not help!!!! He says if he could carry the baby he would but the fact is- I'm the one that has to! I guess I wish he was trying to be more comforting and less attacking. That is my big concern now. To me, it is turing into more of an issue on his giving me an 'ultimatum' and not on having children or not.

Thanks for all of your input. It is nice to have some opinions that make me think of things from different angles. I do totally understand/agree that we need to come to a conclusion about this before marriage. I did read some of the blogs you find when you google "I want children wife doesn't". It's a good eye opener.

As odd as this may sound- I'm not sure I'd want surrogacy. I think if I want a child I want to carry it even though childbirth scares the crap outta me. I think it'd hinder some of the mother/child bonding. It is a great option for women who cannot carry themselves but I don't want to be a 'baby' and go that route just to save myself from being scared. He does not want to do surrogacy.

The only other thing I'm really concerned about with carrying is the change in hormones. I used to be on Depo (the shot) but I had to be taken off of it b/c it was making me depressed. The large amt of hormones wreaked havoc on my system. I'd be fine one minute and balling my head off the next- for no reason. (Note: I don't have any depression problems otherwise) I'm just very concerned that the fluctuations in hormones in pregnancy will either make me depressed and/or I'll end up with post-partum depression. I already don't like children much- I don't need post-partum depression too. He knows about all this and just tells me he'd help me out. But he has never been depressed so I don't think he really gets it.

I'm not so sure that doing foster care would make me want to have children. I think that'd only make things worse.

I think ejs4y8 has it pretty much right. I too waitressed and that didn't help. I swear whenever we are out to eat if there is a screaming child in the restaurant it is bound to be sitting next to us. :)   I don't want to miss out on being young either. I'm 25 so I'm sure to some people that is prime baby time. A bunch of people I graduated with are poppin out babies but I feel like I'm not ready yet. I took 5 yrs to go through college and then I did post-grad work for a year. I haven't even had my job for a year yet. I want to travel, enjoy not being a student. I think I'd fall into the late bloomer category- I want to 'live a little' before having kids. To answer your question it is not at all a money issue. I make good money at my job and while I do have student loans, and the possibility of a home loan and paying for a wedding I think I'm doing fine financially. I feel blessed to have such a great job in such a scary time for everyone. I think my biggest qualm is I feel like I'll loose all independence. I'm an extremely independent person.

A big thanks to doctorgirl too! It is nice to hear from someone who was where we are and how things have transpired. He'd want to adopt if we cant have kids. I'm not sure about it- I guess I'll have to think more on it. If we can't have children and I'm not willing to adopt our relationship is also over. It is a very emotional subject and it is very hard to guess what you'll want in the future.

Thank you to all the people who have said it is good I'm being honest. krissybee thank you for saying you worry about 5 years down the road because goodness knows I do too. You all have been a great comfort to me so thank you all. You all have made me look at this in a different way- one that is not so alone and scary. The only thing that brings me back to feeling bad again is he won't even talk to me. I start to feel better and then I think about the fact he wont even talk to me. It is not very reassuring that strangers can make you feel better but your own fiance won't even talk to you. He said he wants me to think and he doesnt want to talk until I've figured everything out. He says this is my issue to work out.

I understand that some people just don't want kids..and that is your right and you are free to do as you please..but this comment was one that I had to respond to:

 "I want to 'live a little' before having kids."

My reply is this: I hadn't lived UNTIL I had kids!

I have a daughter and I thought my life was fantastic before I had her..but now I look back and realize just how little I had really lived before I had her. She is my everything!! I sit and think about things and wonder just exactly what I did before she was in my life! It all pales in comparison to happiness and love and joy she brings me every second of everyday. I had her at 25 and don't feel like I missed out on anything.

 I am in NO way bashing your wants or needs...just thought I'd throw in a little different perspective for you. Either way, I wish you luck.

Hi again everyone. Just wanted to continue with the updates. Thanks to everyone since my last post. It's nice to hear that you didn't live until you had your kid and from someone else that yeah, not everything is roses and sunshine but it is all worth it. Yes, the 80% comes from wanting to wait and of course all the standard fears that come with pregnancy and being responsible for someone else's life.

I actually text him and made him call me. Soooo turns out he and I do not 'count' things the same. He thought I wasnt even sure at all I want kids in the first place. To me the -20% came from the fears and the change in lifestyle. I'm going to guess that I'm unique in the way I think of things.  (I'm ok with that.) So here is how I explained things to him. I related it to skydiving. So, say you are giong sky diving. That can be scary. The trip to the airport, the ride up in the plane, you are thinking of all the things that could go wrong. What if the parachute doesn't open? What if you break a leg when you land? Crap, that's a long ways to the ground! Etc. So you stand in the door of the plane ready to jump- there is that 20% of your brain yelling at you to sit down. Do you sit down or do you just suck it up and jump. For me- I'd just suck it up and jump. You can't not jump b/c of a few maybes- you'll miss out on the whole experience. To me, that relates to how I feel about children. I don't feel like I could ever get to 100% b/c there will always be fears of the unknown.  He thinks I'm nuts for 'counting' it that way but to me the two are inseperable. He sees it as I'm scared for all the crap after the getting pregnant but I don't see how it can be seperated in the first place.  I think he is fine with my 80 now since he sees it as 100 since we count it differently. Man, this whole thing has been such a huge mess!

Thanks to everyone for all your comments. Take this as a good lesson- make sure you think of things the same before you both start jumping to conclusions. He feels bad that he got pissed and hung up before we could work out the major miscommunication. I feel bad for not realizing and fixing it too.  This is not the first time we've had arguements over things like this. We come from very different backgrounds. His family is more blue collar where as mine is more white collar. I'm very very sciecne, math, concrete terms. He is not. Makes for an interesting relationship! Just have to watch out b/c we've learned we don't see things and define things the same. I'm always stuck in the details and what ifs while he is more go with the flow. I think that is where our major differences in counting the 80 vs 100 comes from. I like to know what is going to happen, when, how, why and with children you can't really answer that! Give me a good math equation, the result will always be the same!   So thanks again. We are both doing better. A little 'stung' still by the hurt we caused each other but no more tears.

Sorry if I now have you all confused about me too. :) I know- I have a weird way of thinking of things. I always have, it is usuful most of the time.

Oh, and PS - he is going to tell his mom to back off on the grandbaby talk!

We sort of have a similar issue.  My almost husband has two kids already and I have none.  I am not sure I want another and neither is he but we are both open to the idea.  I am not sure you can say 100% you want kids.  I think you can say you are 100% open to the idea though. 

I totally understand the being young and not feeling like you want this yet part of your post. I am only 23 and I am scared to think of myself married and having a child possibly in as little time as two years from now ( FI wants to have right away).

So I have not had a child yet, but I have a LOT of friends who have. Every single one of my 6 best friends from high school is now married and has had a child. Some of these gilrs HATED children before getting married. Some came from big families and knew how hard and annoying it could be to have a screaming baby in the house with you all day and night long. But EVERY SINGLE one of them has told me that having a child was the right choice and they do not regret it. Don't forget that when you have a child, you carry it for nine months and you do come to love it in that time. When it is born it is not just another screaming baby - it is a part of you and a part of your husband. It is YOUR child. And it is crying for you - it wants YOU. The attachment between a mother and her child is something real and something beautiful.

Its scary, but just remember not to think of having a child as having to care for the screaming baby that was at restaurant table behind you. Rememebr that it is caring for someone who is part you, part your husband, and the product of your love. I've heard that perspective makes all the difference.

 Good luck with your decision.