Post # 1
Girls!!! I need advice, seriously good advice!!
My FI and I have been engaged since Christmas Eve of 2010. The wedding date was set for November. We decided to get married at a very special place to both he and I/. His family has major problems. His Brother is on the outs with their Mother and refuses to come to the wedding since the Mother will be there. My FI and I have discussed this and came to the conclusion that it’s OUR day and if the Brother was going to come or not, that was his desecion, either way, we would continue with our plans. Long story short, My FI gave me $3,000 for wedding stuff, decorations, his suit, my dress, you name it. I have lived and breathed making these plans now for over 5 months. I havebeen making center pieces and ordering things from the craft store, putting my touch on every detail. I have sent out a family letter to everybody discusing wedding plans for the weekend, accomidations, etc. NOW, 15 weeks before the wedding, he comes and tells me he does not wanna have the wedding. He still wants to marry me, BUT does not wanna put his family through the stress of it all. That I am being selfish and spoiled. (Oh and BTW, the Brother is also having issues with the Father and step Mother.) The two Brothers met over the weekend and the Brother tells my FI that he will pay for us to fly out to Vegas and he and his wife will go with us if we do it that way. My FI tells me this over the weekend and I was like, WHAT???? Seriously???? Never!!!!! Now, I am in a position that I never thought I’d be in. This is taking on a whole new life. It’s not just the wedding I’m upset about, it’s the fact that he’d be willing to publically humiliate me and hurt me like this because of his dysfunctional family problems!! His inability to think for himself and seperate himself from all this drama!!! The Brother will not be there, so in my mind, problem solved!! I’m ready to leave!! I’m so discusted and confused by his lack of normal thinking, I don’t know what to do!!! I uderstand he’s in the middle, but believe he has placed himself there! I want a man who puts me first!! Am I being unreasonable???
Post # 3
Oh my goodness!!! NO! You are not being unreasonable at all! You have been working SOOOO hard on this wedding and now all he wants to do is throw it all away on a “free vaca/wedding” in Vegas??? HECK NO GIRL!!!!
Have you sat him down and told him how you feel about it?
Post # 4
I am SOOOO sorry you’re having to deal with this!
I kind of have two sides to this…
1) about a month before our wedding we were still finalizing things with our 2nd venue because our 1st canceled and we had to start all over from stratch, we had family issues on both sides that also caused a LOT of stress. Finally an arguement with a family member tipped the stress cup, I had a little fit and was like screw this, we got our deposit back from the first place, let’s go to Italy and elope. My husband, then FI, flipped out and really wanted to do the whole thing with the families and all of that. So after a while and a lot of talking each side of the coin, I calmed down, and was like you know what this isn’t about our families coming together, this is about us. So I was like, if anyone tries to cause issues from that point forward, that I had a f-you attitude about it. Everything ended up working out.
2) it worries me that your hubby is saying that you’re being spoiled and selfish…I don’t see that as being very supportive during an already stressful time. While I don’t necessarily think just because you’re a bride that you should get whatever you want…I do think that if you want a wedding at all, that you should have that.
Maybe talking with him about your reasons would help him understand why you want this. But I’d be concerned about my future hubby telling me I’m being selfish and spoiled over something like this…
Post # 5
It’s not cool that your FI is calling you selfish and spoiled over this, nor is it ok that he’s willing to pull the plug on your wedding plans because of some family drama. That is extremely unfair to the guests who are planning to attend your wedding in November, and honestly it just seems like an immature way of handling a difficult family situation.
Your FI’s brother’s issues with his family will persist after the wedding–and if it’s not that, SOME kind of drama will crop up–wiil your FI always handle these situations by betraying you for the sake of enabling his brother’s dysfunctionality? He should be confronting this head on, telling his brother that he (brother) needs to work out his issues with the family so that he can attend the wedding.
I would be very upset and alarmed by this.
Post # 6
@SouthernTulip: Thanks for your words!! I agree that just because I’m the bride does not mean I get everything my way, however, the way in which he is handling this is causing red flags to pop up everywhere!! He is telling me I’m always getting my way with him, with everything, but that he can’t do this. The stress of it all is too much for him he says. WHAT STRESS???? Your Brother has told you he’s not going to be there, right???? Problem solved!!!!
Bottom line: He is putting his family issues before US! Before ME! Before my needs and desires!!
If none of this was happening with his family we would not be havig these issues!!
Post # 7
I can understand his side in that it’s like enough is enough, screw this! However, it was more like I’m done with everyone else making it about them, I want it to be about us. But it wasn’t just one issue with ours. It was a LOT of different issues (venue canceling, sibling issues on both sides, parental issues, and a bunch of other things). But through everything we were there for each other.
In this situation however, I feel like if he is willing to get married in Vegas because his bro says so…that’s a concern. At that point he is putting his family, specifically his brother, ahead of you. That is my main issue with all of this. Have you spoken to him about priorities with family, future family, etc? Like this is one day, what about all the future family holidays? Are y’all not going to celebrate with your or his family (minus his bro) because his bro won’t be there?