Post # 1
Hi everyone… this is my first post, but I’ve been following the board for a while. A little background info.- both my SO and I are 27. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and have lived together for the past 3 years. We’re both done with college and grad school and have careers. We have a great relationship and talk about all aspects the future all the time EXCEPT gettng married. We talk about buying a house in the next few years, having kids at some point, etc. For some reason, I just can’t approach the topic of marriage. I don’t know how. I mean, we’ve very casually talked about getting married someday, but honestly, it wasn’t anything serious and the topic rarely comes up. I just feel like I’ve been with him for so long that it’s awkward bringing up marriage…if that makes any sense at all. I feel like, at this point in our relationship, marriage should be easy to talk about but because I’ve avoided the topic for so long, I have no idea how to bring it up.
I don’t want to keep holding it in, because it feels so frustrating to me. Does anyone have suggestions on how I can bring it up?
Post # 3
@citysparkle: This may sound a bit odd, but could you write him a letter? Maybe if you get your thoughts out on the computer/paper, then you could approach it better in person. If you still don’t feel comfortable talking about it, you should send it/give it to him. Kind of unconventional, but at least he could look at it in his own time.
That or wait until you’re both relaxed and have nowhere to be, and say something like “I’ve been thinking about our relationship lately. We haven’t really discussed it so it feels a bit awkward, but we’re been together for 5+ years and living together for 3, when do you see us getting married?”. I am not sure there is any easy way to bring it up since you’ve waited so long. If he avoids the question or doesn’t give a good answer then you really need to decide if the relationship is worth pursuing. My SO and I talked about getting married before we moved in together, just so we knew we we on the same page re: expectations. My ex moved in with me back in the day, and I assumed that meant he wanted marriage. I was very wrong.
Post # 4
@citysparkle: First of all, welcome 🙂
Other Bees may tell you differently, but personally, I’d just be direct. It doesnt sound like you’ve been nagging him about it so it shouldnt be a sore subject. I’d just sit him down (or wait till you’re out on a date or something) and say “listen, I’ve really enjoyed being with you these last 5 1/2 years. I can’t imagine my life without you, and I know we’ve been making some future plans, but I’d really like to get your thoughts on marriage.”
I’m not a fan of beating around the bush…just ask 🙂
Post # 5
@canarydiamond: +1 love the letter idea too!
Post # 6
Well, men are dumb. Yup… thats right. I’m in a similar situation than you, and once I had enough and just asked: “When are you planning to propose to me?” straight plain and simple, it was a 2 hour car ride so none of us could escape once the topic was brought up. Aannnd… hey, he was like: “what?! I didn’t even tought of that! We are so young” (we both turn 25 this year). And I was like: “well its not like I want to marry tomorrow but things take some time, a wedding takes at least a year to plan, plus some engaged time, it would be like 1.5 or 2 year till the day” and he was shocked, because he didn’t knew that, he tought that once you ask you marry next month or something :S
So… I would advice for you to just bring it up, straight forward, he is the guy you will spend your life with, so you have to be able to speak about things you are not confortable with, for the sake of your relationship.
Maybe he doesn’t even know that it’s on you mind! Theres no way to know. You guys need to speak.
And by the way, my boyfriend also speaks alot of getting married and have a house and children and a dog alot, but I guess in his mind this is veeeery far away in the future… he wants to have kids before we turned 30, so he tought oh 25… still 5 years to go, so I have time, like those things happen in 1 day… men don’t think (this kinds of stuff)
Post # 7
I’ve found that a couple drinks or some wine helps give me some extra courage to bring up awkward topics. Just a thought 😛
Post # 8
I think after 5 years you two should be comfortable enough to discuss “uncomfortable” subjects. You haven’t been nagging him or pressuring him for 5 years, so I don’t see any problem with you having a very direct talk with him with respect to what he sees for your future with respect to engagement and marriage. After 5 years you have every right to know. I am surprised he has never brought it up, I think 5 years is a longg time.
Good luck, keep us posted.
Post # 9
Just bring it up and be direct. I don’t see how after that much time together it would make it more awkward. It’s the natural progression in most relationships.
After that amount of time together you both should know if you want to get married or not (in my opinion at least). You have a right to know where he sees you in his future plans and vice versa. There are going to be many uncomfortable discussions that need to be had both before you get married if you chose that path as well as after you are married. You need to be mature enough and responsible enough to have those tough talks for a relationship to be successful. Avoidance does no good.
Post # 10
Be direct, but don’t be afraid to use other topics of discussion as a lead-in. You’ve discussed buying a house togther. Do you feel comfortable with that before marriage? You can certainly use that as a conversation starter – ‘Remember when we talked about buying a house? Well, I was thinking about that and I’m not sure I’m comfortable about being that financially invested without being married’. Or swap ‘buying a house’ with ‘having kids’. That way it’s incorporating a previous topic of discussion, showing that you’ve put some thought into this and it’s not just SURPRISE! I want to get married! Instead, it’s a logical thought process.
Also, don’t force him to come up with an answer immediately. Let him think on his own for a bit, and then revisit the topic in a few days if he doesn’t address it first.
Post # 11
@Starshine32: I agree that after 5 years I should be able to broach this subject but that’s my problem. For some reason, I’m just have a really hard time bringing it up and I think the reason is that I have waited too long. I also find it strange that he rarely brings up getting married, but at the same time, he’s a guy and since we’re already happily living together- he has no reason to. Thanks for your reponse though, and I think I’m just going to suck it up and bring it up. After all, he’s obviously not going to do it.
Post # 12
It took me years to finally ask my SO about marriage, to see if I could get some sort of idea on any timeline he may have. I ended up asking him one night when we went out to dinner. It was loud, we were at chili’s and I just decided that he wouldnt bring it up so I would. For years after it was still a little hard to get him to talk about marriage (Kids, houses, careers…EVERYTHING ELSE was no problem for him to talk about) It has only been within that last 6 months that he will bring it up on his own. I honestly think it is because he finally is where he wants to be with his career and financially. It took us a LONG time(10 year anniversary approaching) to get there, but the talking is happening now and I am waiting!
To sum it up…grab a margarita and talk it out with him. He loves you and he may be thinking the same thing. Guys are used to hearing girls talk about getting married and what not. They are not used to bringing up the subject themselves!
Post # 13
Take him out to lunch, or cook for him. Make sure he is halfway through his meal. Say the following: “I’ve been thinking a lot about MY future. And, I’ve always wanted to get married. How do you feel about what our future will look like in the next few years?” Do this, and wait say, another month, to ask him again. Compare. If you don’t like what you are hearing, then you’ll know what to do. If you do, then hopefully you won’t be waiting too much longer! 🙂
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Hey girl – I can totally relate. I got together with my now-FI when I was 17 and he was 19 after being great friends. We were both like “gettin married is for old lame people”… until I was 26 or 27 and started to feel the way you do. Didnt help that my guy felt super skittish about marriage until he was financially settled, which was slow going as he explored like 3 or 4 career paths.
ANYWAY – finally I just had to realize that look, this topic was not going to come up u less I brought it up. I finally just had to say something like, “Sweetie, I don’t want to pressure you at all, but I just want to know what you’re thinking about marriage. I love you and I want to spend my life with you. I’d ideally like to be engaged by XXX and married by XXX. Take your time to figure out if that works for you.” Or something.
Yeah it’s hella awkward, which is weird since you can probably talk about anything with him… But it’s worth it! My guy was super scared of marriage, which was weird because we’d been all but legally married for many years. But now he is so, so, SO excited to be getting married.
Post # 15
It’s been three years of being with my guy and I still feel awkward bringing up some subjects. But just remember he’s not going to dump you or think less of you if you ask. You could start casually talking about somebody elses wedding and talk about what you’d want for yours and ease into the subject. I also saw someone up there mention wine or drinks to loosen you up. Might not hurt unless you get carried away 😉