- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Future groom seeking help… thanks in advance.
1. Picking the best man. Since I purchased the ring months ago, I haven’t made any progress in picking my best man. (I started thinking about it before the proposal). I keep going back and forth, and just never get anywhere. I’ve decided on all of my groosmen, just can’t pick from among them.
I have this as personal priority #1 right now, tied with picking an exact date which I am working with my FB on. I would just like to make the decision so I can move on here.
Option 1 is my two brothers as co-best men.
Pros: 1) both responsible and 2) well organized, 3) would be good speakers for the toast, 4) trust them 100% not to put me in any “compromising” situations for the bachelor party (I don’t want strippers or for that matter anything sexually suggestive).
Cons: 1) Both MORE than 12 years older than me and the rest of my groomsmen, so 2) while we are close, due to age, I wouldn’t really consider them super active in my life and it might feel weird for that reason, that we get along but aren’t “tight”, 3) they are disconnected and unfamiliar with the rest of my groomsmen, not really knowing any of them personally, 4) due to generational differences, I’m not sure they could plan a bachelor party that myself and my groomsmen would enjoy.. not a huge deal but it is a consideration.
Option 2 is my best friend
Pros: 1) Much closer to me on a personal level, 2) knows my groomsmen much better, 3) married to my FB’s cousin, so knows my FB and knows everything about our relationship, 4) would probably be more excited about it than my bro’s, because he probably expects it more (though his bride’s brother was his best man several years ago when he got married, I did the toast for him at his wedding as a sort of co-best man… we’ve grown even closer over the years), 5) can plan a more relevant bachelor party
Cons: 1) Expect that he could be responsible and well organized but maybe not as much as my brothers, 2) not sure if he could actually deliver a toast, he would have a lot of anxiety about it, 3) small possibility that he might hire strippers for a bachelor party, despite my objections… I don’t expect he would, but there IS a small possibility because he’s sorta like…. not totally wild but he is a guy’s guy and a tad rebellious, so that concerns me.
2. Getting involved in the planning. Proposal plan was well executed, figured FB would grace me with a month to get over the “hangover” of shelling out for the ring/asking for her parents blessing/actually performing the plan… but… no. So, she’s already hitting the ground running with the planning and asking me to do so…
When she started planning this month, I gave FB two options which I considered fair: either she makes all the decisions and does all the work or we are 50/50 partners on both the decisions and the work. She chose the latter. OK.
Where my problem comes in is that, honestly… I am having a hard time getting motivated about this.
I want the wedding more than anything. I do. It’s just that none of this seems to be about the stereotypical “guy” side of things… she’s asking me all these questions about colors, centerpieces, favors, style, the looks of the limo, etc and for the life of me… none of it is exciting me.. AT ALL. Even stuff like the food tastings (I truly do not care… chicken/fish/steak… the typical three options.. problem solved. It doesn’t rock my world if we go with lasagna to be different.)
So it’s a really tough problem, I mean, I’m very jealous of how excited she’s getting about this, meanwhile I’m entirely “meh.”
While I would love to be a great Flower Girl and help out a lot, the ritual aspects of the wedding process appear exclusively female-centric. It’s hard to work so much when you don’t feel personally invested in the process, if you know what I mean. I wish there was some way to put “me” in the wedding, because if it’s truly going to be about both of us then it can’t just be about the flowers and the dance songs (FB loves, I don’t.) It just looks very hard to find a way to be “included,” I think if I could find one though then I would get way more invested in the process.
3) Talking to vendors, venues, etc. I think this is the thing that finally set me a bit on edge with #2 since it has to do with the gender roles stuff again.
We have been talking to vendors, venues, etc. Since FB wants to be complete partners in the planning, I have gone to every meeting.. haven’t missed one.
I find this to be probably the most humiliating aspect of wedding ritualism so far (even more than asking for her parents blessing or getting down on one knee,etc.).
Basically, when we go to a venue or speak to a vendor, the person DOES NOT speak to me. AT ALL. I’m a GHOST in the room. I have actually asked questions on a few ocassions, and they hear my question and answer it…. TO MY FB. As if I’m not even there.
I do go out of my way to make myself known, I speak, I make eye contact, I sometimes “lean in” towards the person while they interview us and they STILL speak exclusively to my FB since they apparenly think she’s making all the decisions (despite me being there, actively involved…)
This is totally embarassing and turns me off so much. It’s so rude that I just have no idea how to even respond to it. I think I may snap on someone if it keeps happening. UGH!
Has anyone experienced this? Any tips on how to handle it?
Ok… some of this stuff was just venting more than anything, but thanks for reading.