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First off from the way you write it sounds like you are a very kind and thoughtful woman, and I'm sure his family can see that. I think you will probably have a good relationship with them because it sounds like you are a wonderful person and very respectful of them. It is so nice of you to try ot think of ways to honor his family. One small thing might be to have someone from their family (maybe his dad?) say grace before dinner at the reception. It isn't a "in your face" religious thing so you might be comfortable with it, while his family would think it was nice.
My sister married a man last year that was not really religious and although my parents were mildly concerned for her faith, the key to our family's satisfaction with their match was that my BIL was not overtly closed off to our religious conviction. My advice is to remain open and welcoming to your FI's family's culture and religious tradition. Remain elusive enough to where they can assume that you might change your mind later. I'm not saying you have to convince them that you will become Christian or anything, just don't be overtly opposed to it.
As far as including God in your service, I personally don't believe God excludes or oppresses GLBTs. I think you could include a Gender-inclusive blessing and/or prayer in your ceremony. Perhaps a laying on of hands? Also, I think there are some wonderful pieces of scripture, especially in the Old Testament (song of solomon, Ruth) that you could use for readings. Hope that helps!
First I want to say that I think it is great that you want to try and accomidate everyone, especially your FI's parents.
I can only speak for myself and what I would want though. I think that trying to incorporate the Christian aspect only for their sake would not mean as much.. I would personally rather my kids to want Christianity for themselves. That said there might be some things you can do to involve them and their faith ... maybe have your FFIL pray for the meal, have his parents or his brother read a scripture at the ceremony.
I really don't think there is anything you can do to make them feel better about it... but I also think that it shouldn't effect how close they are to you.. and I am really sorry if it does. Just as you want to respect them, they should respect you. They may not agree with it but I am sure they love you both the same.
Maybe make a point to attend an Easter service or Christmas with them as involving yourselves with what they are invovled in and showing your support - you don't have to though.
I hope this helps. :)
If everyone took your mature approach I think we'd be a much happier country. 
I think the best thing that you can do is continue to be open, tolerant and secure in your own beliefs. Things may be trickier if and when you have children, but in the end, blood is thicker than almost anything, wine and holy water included.
My mom's parents were both "religious" Christians who brought their children up in the church. My mom stayed with Methodism all her life and married the son of a preacher...obviously, my siblings and I all went to church. My aunt married a religious man but changed to a more fundamental denomination, and her kids were also raised in church. My other aunt married a man who had problems with God and they ocassionally bring their son to a Quaker church, but they don't have strong religious ties. My uncle is an atheist who married an atheist and they raised atheist children. We're all close to each other, I love hanging out with my cousins, and although we may not agree on everything, we still love each other.
My point being, your future in-laws may not be happy with the fact you're not "religious" and they probably never will be, but that shouldn't change the way they treat you. You can't really do anything to make them feel better except convert, haha. That might not make sense to someone who isn't a true Christian, but a Christian's beliefs will always take precedence over everything else by their very nature. It sounds like you've been incredibly respectful so far; just keep it up, and congratulations on the marriage!
If I were you I would try to offer them the role of religious upbringing of your future children. What I mean by that is you and your husband raise them in the way you see fit (ie: not attending church, etc) but also make them aware of the culture your husband's family has. Help cultivate an open mind for them, and then allow the grandparents to take them to church on visits with them.
Just make sure that its clear you only want them to be exposed to their lifestyle, not that you want them to be pushed or coerced into following their lifestyle. That way they can make choices for themselves, and your husband's family can feel like you're accepting their values and are opening your children to them.
As to the ceremony itself, I really believe that is your choice, and your husband's. If you want a non-religious ceremony, its what you should have.
What kind of ceremony and reception are you having?
For the ceremony you could have one of them do a reading from the Bible. There's some passages that just speak of love and it would acknowledge that you find beauty in the book they hold dear even if you don't agree with everything it says.
I agree with the others about asking for a blessing before the meal would be a nice touch.
Maybe ask them if there is any music they really enjoy. There may be one or two songs that are OK and if people didn't like them eh it's one or two songs but to them it might be very touching.
I'm not sure how his family feels about LGBT but I also don't think Christianity necessarily excludes, though some sects can and do exclude them, but I have friends and family who are LGBT and Christian.
I don't think there is much you can do to "make them feel better about it"... I think your very respectful, and hopefully they are treating you with the same respect.
I have to be honest, if I had a son and my son didn't have a personal relationship with God, it would hurt, but I would just pray for him and try to show him love. The same would go for his FI. I am not into religion. That's a bunch of rules and regs that people made up. I'm into what God has to say through his word in the bible. So to me trying to be "religious" just doesn't make sense.
I would say be yourself, be sweet and respectful like you are and hopefully his parents will act the way christians should and accept you for who you are and what you believe and that they would pray for you no matter what.
I'm not religious either, so I guess I'm coming at it from that perspective. I think it's very nice that you want to incorporate Christian elements into the ceremony to make his parents happy. I think there are tons of biblical passages you could use that wouldn't be offensive to your gay friends. 1st Corinthians comes to mind (love is patient, love is kinda, yadda yadda). I think incorporating Christian readings would really be meaningful to his parents. Good luck!
I think you are very considerate. My FI is in this position because he grew up non-religious but my family is very conservative and very spiritual - everything is about God and the Bible. He struggles with it too, but the biggest thing is to do what you been doing - be open-minded, be kind, be thoughtful.
I agree with Mouse that 1st Corinthians 13 is a great passage to include in your ceremony. We are having it in ours. I am sure his parents would really appreciate it, and the sentiments are something everyone can believe in, not just Christians.
I don't think you have to be worried about being disrespectful because I feel you are being very respectful of his family and their traditions. Between our two families we have several relgious and cultural traditions. For example, I'm an Orthodox Christian convert, but my family is mostly Protestant with a few Muslims and Catholics, and FI's family is mostly Catholic with a few Buddhists. Maybe it's because Religious Studies was my major, but I love going to other places of worship. I find them facinating. Therefore, while I am devouted to the Orthodox church, I have no problem going to Protestant service with my mum or a Catholic service with his family. If his grandma wants me to take her to a Buddhist temple that's fine too. My best friend is a Muslim convert, but she and her husband celebrate Christmas with his parents, and her Christian parents celebrate 'Eid etc. with my friends in-laws. If people aren't pushy about religion, I think there are a lot of ways that you can show respect to each other without having to believe in the same things or agree with each other.
I also agree with the other posters that incorporating a Bible reading or grace might be a nice way to honour his family's beliefs. There are many readings and/or prayers that are Christian but probably also reflect your own beliefs about love, respect, and honour in marriage. For example, this is a prayer that we are going to use in our Canadian ceremony:
Officiant to the couple: God the Eternal keep you in love with each other so that the peace of Christ may abide in your home.
To the people: Bear witness to the love of God in this world, so that those to whom love is a stranger will find in you generous friends.
I think this prayer reflects the belief of my FI and I in God and Jesus specifically, but when the blessing is given to the people, it is a little more general and can be understood by the religious and non religious in the crowd as spreading love in general. There's lots of these kinds of examples that you might find inspiring.
What have they mentioned to FI? If there are certain elements that they wish to have (such as a prayer or perhaps who is marrying you) then perhaps you could incorporate that into the service. I am Christian and will have my LGBT friends in attendance and will have NO such wording as marriage is for a man or a woman only. I think you can still incorporate religion without it being inappropriate to those attending.
I think the idea of a marriage brings out really odd behavior in religious parents - ie: the wedding HAS to be in a church. I can't tell you how many discussions my friends who have married in other venues have had over this issue. I don't know if that's one for FI's family, but it wouldn't surprise me if it is. If that's the case, that's a really minimal issue, IMO.
You really need to find out what elements are important to them. It could range from: a prayer, a scripture reading, some words on marriage, etc.
As far as them not liking who their son has picked - I'd try my hardest not to believe that is true. Their son picked you, after all. You may not be the Christian girl they wanted for him, but if they really know their son - they know he wouldn't pick that girl. I think ultimately, parents are happy when they see their child loved and cared for - which I'm sure they see in you. As you get to know them better (and vice versa), hopefully you will see that they love you for who you are. Depending on the parents, I've often seen the relationship with the DIL or SIL flourish post-marriage - I hope that's true for you.
You're going into your marriage with a wonderfully considerate attitude, and I hope and pray that that approach will serve you well in your relations with your in-laws for decades to come. It's wonderful that you already understand that they are probably hurt by their son's choice of non-faith as well as his choice of a non-religious wife, but that you don't seem to be taking that as a hurtful judgement against you personally.
I would echo the advice that you might ask one of FI's family to ask a blessing before the meal, and that you could incorporate Biblical readings into the ceremony; there are many, many passages that speak beautifully of the nature of love without mentioning anything specifically religious. Here are a few.
Other than that, they will probably come to like and love you more and more as the years go by and they see that you do share many of their values even without sharing their religion. Maybe don't talk about your favorite wine and beer in front of them. :)
Interestingly enough, I have the opposite problem. FI and I are evangelical Christians and both sets of parents are more or less completely nonreligious. It will be interesting to see whether they get weirded out by our very religious ceremony. (So far, they have simply politely declined our invitations to come to church with us.)
This was the scripture we (non-religious) compromised on from the list given to us by our pastor. It was the least "Bible-ly" (I guess that would be Biblical?) and sounded to us like a guide to a good life. Good luck, it sounds like you're on the right track!
Romans 12:9-18 (New Living Translation)
Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them.
Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.
Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other
Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them.
Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.
Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Ladies, thank you so much for your advice! You have all helped me so much. I never would have thought of the idea to offer to have them do a blessing before the meal! It never would have dawned on me. I love the Romans and 1 Corinthians passages you suggested, we are now planning to ask his father to read a passage from the Bible during the ceremony. We will give him a list of suggestions and ask for his input.
Thank you all!!!
For our ceremony, we are going to have our parents pray over us. So maybe you can ask his parents to say a prayer over you guys?
My bf and I are both atheists, but both of our families are Christian. I think his family is more "hard-core" than mine, but both are Christian just the same. I think it's great that you're being so open and considerate of your in-laws beliefs. I personally would not feel comfortable having any Biblical passage, whether it mentions god or not, read at my ceremony. I don't belive in it, and it just wouldn't feel right to me to promote a message that I don't believe in. I think the one thing I would be open to is the grace before a meal. I feel like that's not so prevalent in the wedding, but I would only do that if I *had* to do something to appease people. I think both of our families would quietly accept whatever we wanted, so I don't think it would be as big of a deal. Basically, I just think you should do what you feel comfortable with. I know you want to get along with your in-laws, which is great, but don't compromise what you believe in. I would feel worse about that than making my in-laws happy.
Make sure to be open and upfront with your FI about this. Hopefully, it'll never become an issue with his family - but if it does - he needs to have been aware of your feelings from the start. I had a friend who was Episcopalian marrying into a southern baptist family and she bit her tongue when FMIL made remarks about it etc, so when she finally burst out to him about the things his family was saying or making her feel, he was blindsided and felt attacked.
It sounds like you are doing everything right - be respectful, try not to engage (a la agree IN YOUR HEAD to disagree), and make sure he knows how you feel from the start.
Hi Marinara! You sound so sweet... I think it would be nice as everyone else said to read a scripture or honor his parents somehow. 1 Corinthians 13 is great (love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, etc.).
My grandma is Norwegian and Christian so I looked into Norwegian traditions and I found that it's tradition to give her a book of Psalms as I go down the aisle so I think I'll do that. You could think of something special and sentimental like that maybe.
I think you should talk to his parents (even if briefly) about you not being as religious as they are but you hope they can accept you as you are etc. and just express your love towards their son. If they love God, they will accept you and appreciate your love too. You will be fine and your wedding will be great!
By the way, I'm from the Bay Area too and my wedding is exactly a week after yours! Congrats!
I also agree with the idea of Bible readings at the ceremony, and with offering to go to a holiday service with them. And they might really like to know that they are free to bring your future kids to church when you visit as long as the kids agree. Just knowing that children are being exposed to Christianity as a possibility is helpful to some people.
My one new point is you might ask your fiance if he can think of anything in your wedding that is really going to offend his family - maybe there are some things that you don't care much about that you can easily change - have only beer and wine, not liquor, for instance.
Something I just thought of: I'm having a religious wedding (probably not in a church) officiated by my fiance's grandfather. Since he's a minister in a different denomination, we're having our marriage blessed at our church sometime later, during a regular Sunday service. If you wouldn't mind being prayed over and blessed, you could offer to have their home preacher do that for you (if they agree even though you don't believe).
I am in the same boat as you, his family is Catholic, and neither of us share the views of the church. But something I recently have been thinking of is adding a foot washing into the ceremony. It's a way of showing each other we will help each other, and for those of religious faith it has additional meaning.
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I wonder if any of the Christian bees out there have some advice for me on how to handle FILs in a respectful way they will appreciate.
Some background: My FI is not religious, and neither am I. My family believes in God, but is basically not religious. However, his family is Christian and VERY religious. His family culture is very different from my family culture mostly because of the religious stuff (praying, talking about God, no drinking, lifestyle, etc), but also regional stuff (they are midwest/southern and my whole fam is from Los Angeles). It's a little hard for me to gauge what is going on. They know their son is not religious, but they raised him going to church and everything, and his Mom has always told him that she knows he will come around in his own time.
We are not having a religious ceremony, and I know that his family is very hurt & troubled by this -- probably not only because of the ceremony, but also the fact that their son is getting married to me, someone who is not religious. They have not said anything at all mean or rude to me, but I know they have said a few things to FI (still not mean, just disappointed/hurt) and I wonder if there is anything I can do to make the situation better.
I guess I have two questions & hoping to get some advice. First, I feel like they are disappointed he is marrying someone who is not religious, and our kids will basically be like we are now -- not going to church, not involved in any religion, etc. His brother is married to a Christian woman and their kids are being raised in the faith, and I see how close they all are & how it's just part of the expectation for grandkids that they will be part of that. I understand how it would bother them, but I also want to have a close & good relationship with them. So for all the Christian bees: if your son was marrying someone who wasn't Christian, is there anything she could do to make you feel better about it?
My second question is the ceremony. Do any of you have any suggestions for how we could incorporate some Christian elements or something like that? Do you think that might make them feel better? I am open to any suggestions. My hesitation is that we have a number of dear friends who are gay and will be attending w/their partners, so we definitely want something that makes everyone feel welcome...
This has been really weighing on me b/c I want them to feel good about this, I would really appreciate any insight!