Post # 1
Ohhh Bees.. you have all been my life line without even knowing and now I need some advice, words of wisdom… something…
I am at the end of my rope… our wedding plans have been so nice and FI and I have built some great memories and then the family starts in… The guest list is tearing ALL of us apart, one by one. *Little background* – FI and I are paying 100% on our own, we had a budget of 10K, 100 ppl., in Connecticut.
Problems: EVERYONE wants to invited people and it just out of hand!! Originally noone was helping us plan a single thing and we were fine with it bc we knew it was best for us to plan. Our list was checked once, checked twice, checked three times and during thsi process I asked my mother, his mother, my MOH to look it over and see if we missed anyone.. no one had a thing to say. Then it starts: FI’s grandmother wanted to invite 2 couples that FI really didnt have a personal connection with and didnt care if they were there, but we agreed and sent the invites. THEN, my aunt asks if her kids (all adults) are invited, once again not on our list bc I am not close with them and to be honest 2 out of the 4 were married and had small wedding with no family invites… BUT I swallowed my pride (TOOK OUT 4 of my friends) to save the family peace and sent an additional 4 invitations. NOW, my father is starting… he call sme over the weekend and says in some crazy tone, put me down for a table of 10!!! HUH???? Table of ten, what is this, reservations? He says he wants to invite 2 of his friends and their wives and get this… my step mothers best friend and her husband (more back ground – me and the current wife dont get along for many many reason including being told years ago when I was younger that he has a new family and we are no longer considered his children!!!)…. my father has the nerve to say to me, he hasnt invited anyone and no one from "his side" will be there.. HUH?? I have 5 sisters from 4 different mother with all the same father and ALL of the sisters and mothers are invited and he says he has no one??? OMG!!! I just cant anymore… I feel like now he wants to have "his people" there as buffers bc him and his wife are uncomfortable so they want to fill "THEIR" table…
We are at MAX capacity and just CAN NOT afford a single more plate.. What do I do?? What can I do?? I mean the invitations are all out, so we cant take more people off and inviting 8 more people is over $400 more!!
I just want to cry… actually I have cried all weekend… I’m just lost ….
Post # 3
Im so sorry you are going through this. Personally, since you are paying, I would put your foot down. Explain to your father that you can not afford the difference and if he doesnt understand that.. he can pay for those guests he chooses to invite himself. You did your part by showing them the guest list for opinions.. since they had nothing to say then… they need to accept that you are tapped out and no changes can be made.
Post # 4
Ok here is my opinion on the situation. You and your FI are paying for this wedding 100% on your own. Therefore you have every right to refuse to invite people, especially those that you don’t even know or that you don’t get along with. This wedding is about you and Your FI and the start of your life as husband and wife. This isn’t about your father or his friends. You have already been more than accomodating for some of your other family and their need to invite additional people. And you’ve already taken 4 of your own friends off the guest list! I think you’ve been nice enough! You will have to sit down with your family and explain to them that you and your FI just CANNOT afford to invite more people, nor do you feel that it is fair to feel forced to invite people that you don’t even really know to an event that should be shared with people you feel close to. It’s gonna be tough, but I really think you need to put your foot down on this one. If your parents were paying, I’d say oblige them. But since this is money out of your and Your FI’s pockets, don’t feel like you should be spending any more of your money on people you don’t know or get along with.
Post # 5
You poor thing. Everyone in your family seems to be manipulating you, and you need to put your foot down before no one you care about it left on your list. While part of me says that you should have complete control over the list, part of me thinks it might be easier to say to your dad that you’d love to make him happy but the money just isn’t there. If he can chip in for the add’l invites then fine. If not, tough! I know that will be hard for your realtionship with him, but it doesn’t sound like he’s done much to maintain it in the past several years anyway. And maybe being firm will set a precedent for how your family will treat you in the future. I also think, if this is a concern, that teilling your dad no when you’ve told others okay is not a big deal. 2 invites for your grandma is not a big deal, she’s your grandma. I understand your not inviting your cousins initially, but at least they are still family. Friends of your dad are not your responsibility. If he’d like them to attend his daughters wedding, he can "host" them (e.g. pay for them). If not, there is no reason to invite them to *your* wedding. There is also the possibility that you’ll get some no’s which will open up some room…but I still feel your dad should chip in if he’s inviting his own friends who don’t really have much to do with you.
Post # 6
You need to start saying no. You’ve said yes to everyone, even when it came to kicking out your friends and inviting people you didn’t know, so of course your father would assume that he can add whoever he wants to, too.
It may be hard to tell people no and hurt their feelings, but which is worse: a wedding full of people you don’t know/care for or a wedding where the people who you love and care about are there? Say to your father/grandmother/cousin/whoever: I’m sorry, but we have a strict limit to the guest list and we don’t have room for another person.
Post # 7
There is a point where you need to put your foot down, and I think you’ve reached it! I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. As many other WB discussions have pointed out–the guest list might very well be the hardest part of wedding planning, and the most frustrating!
I know this is hard and I’m sure it’s even harder now that you’ve bent over some of the extra invites, and now it’s time to draw the line (e.g. your dad may say, well you let so-and-so add extra people, so why can’t I?)
My first suggestion would be to have A & B guest lists, where you would send out invitations early, wait to see who RSVP’s and then send out a second batch. Since your invitations are already out, this isn’t that much of an option for you.
Is you dad asking that you send out more invitations, or is he just planning on bringing his extra guests? Maybe you could sit down with him and tell him that you’d like to be able to invite the guests he wants to come, but that at this point you’re full to capacity. If you both receive fewer RSVPs than you anticipate than you can talk further about those guests, but until then, they can’t be invited.
Bottom line is you need to tell everyone who is asking to invite extra people, that they had more than ample opportunity to discuss adding extras, at a much earlier time. Now you have set a budget and a limit and it is just too late to change that!
Do remember that not everyone who is invited will RSVP, and even some of those who RSVP will not show up on the actual wedding day (just reality)
I hope you are able to figure out the best solution! *hugs* Don’t cry, it really will all work out in the end.
Post # 8
My heart goes out to you. I am really sorry everyone is putting pressure on you. The final stretch to the wedding is stressful enough — you don’t need this added pressure.
I think it is horrible what your stepmom said to you years ago about your father’s new family. That is so wrong. I never understand people who take this attitude.
If you are not close with your parents friends, I think it is only appropriate for them to be invited when the parents are footing the bill.
I agree with the prior posters who suggested you explain to your father that you are at capacity and that the only way his friends can be accomodated is if he pays the additional cost. That is, only if you are okay with them being there. If not, you are completely within your rights to say no.
Please post whenever you need to vent or just talk about what is going on. Everyone here will be happy to listen and provide whatever support/advice/encouragement that we can.