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Okay, first.....NEVER offer to order two dresses and have them sewn together!! Big mistake and what you see as a nice gesture will not be seen that way by her. It will seem as an insult. Is she just a BM or MOH? DBridal dress would be the best solution for you in this. Your bridemaids DO NOT have to match as long as the color is the same if you are worried about color. Being a woman, you know weight is a sensitive issue. This is YOUR day, but.....sometimes it has to change a little. DB no longer sales my BM dress and had a few left in smaller sizes, my MOH will be wearing a different dress in the same color scheme. Talk to her about it and see if the two of you can come to an agreement.
I hope this helps a bit...sorry that you are having trouble like this....being a plus sized bride has OPENED my eyes to the limits people have and how hard it is to make everyone else happy while planning your dream day.
Sigh. Well first of all, I think you have to consider how awkward this must be for her. How many bridesmaids have already bought their dresses? I don't think you can ask anyone to buy another dress now because then they might be resentful towards your FSIL, which would just add to the stress of the situation. I would see if you can get one of the other bridesmaids who has not yet bought their dress to buy the same davids bridal dress as your FSIL. Then she won't be alone in her dress choice. And just say you love the J. Crew dresses but you decided to add in this Davids Bridal dress in chocolate (or whatever color) for some contrast, and you need another girl to wear it also. Just try to be sensitive to her situation-- this must be awful for her!
Eek. It sounds like an awkward situation for you both. I like the ideas of the earlier posts -- mixing and matching is totally okay and perhaps one of your other BMs would be willing to wear a dress from someone other than J.Crew to help your FSIL feel more comfortable. Someone said earlier the wedding is YOUR day -- and it is -- but you will have to carry on a relationship with you FSIL after the wedding, and if I were in her shoes, I would feel pretty uncomfortable.
this is a terrible situation for both of you!! I think you should have her look at the DB dress and ask one of your other BM wear the same dress ... and pay for that's BM's dress. This gesture will go a long way in the future!!
she may like the idea of getting a different one, but you should talk to her about it because she may not want to stand out. I would either get a dress in a similar color (because in the end only YOU and HER would know that it's different!) or get the swatch and have the dress made through a seamstress-you will be surprised if you get a good seamstress no one will be able to tell that the dress wasn't store bought! I don't know anyone in your area but ask around and check out shops!!! I've had dresses for formal events done this way and all i did was take the pic to the seamstress. Take one of the dresses the other girls have bought and see if someone can copy it!
It's an awkward situation, sure, but as a large plus size myself, I realize that I won't fit into any "popular" clothing lines and try to quietly go about finding my own dress.
The thing is, if she's plus sized, she already knows she's not exactly the same. I would call & succinctly apologize for the oversight, show her the David's bridal dress, and have her wear that. Then, move on. It's possible it won't even be noticed after a while. If it's long & drawn out, that will definitely make her feel worse.
you dont need to match dont stress
so long as its the same color everything will be ok, its not your fault
I think Texaslawgirl had a really nice suggestion. It will save your FSIL from standing out and nobody else needs to know why there are 2 types of dresses. It could end up looking really great!
Unless she's the MOH and clearly she's not, you should have at leas one other dress be the same. She WILL stand out if she's the only non JCrew wearing maid...great suggestion from above!
My personal opinion is that you should surprise her with a dress that is actually 2 dresses sewn together - just have a tailor do it and make it bigger than her size so that she can go have it fitted perfectly.
I've heard of people doing this ...it's really no big deal.
I let my plus size bridesmaid pick the dress for all the bridesmaids. It ended up working out perfectly and everyone was happy/looked great :)
Let her pick what she wants, and all should be ok.
Do you have a decent, trusted tailor? I say order the largest size and get another for extra fabric. Or, if the David's Bridal is a good color match, order that.
I'm sure this isn't a popular view on the subject -- but I kinda don't think its FAIR that the other maids or one other would have to change accordingly just to make HER feel better. Chances are, if she is large, she is USED to standing out (and quite honestly, as a guest, I'm not even looking at the size of the maids... all my attention is to the couple)
I say go with the DB dress or have a dress custom made to match the other dresses.
I had a similar situation when I was bulk ordering my BM's dresses for a discount. I got all the way to checkout and was told that it would be an extra $20 each for every girl over a size 18 (which is 3 of my girls). I had never given thought to something like this happening ahead of time and just decided to pay the $60 instead of passing along the cost to the girls (I had already given them the quotes before running into the extra cost).
Hope it all works out!
Someone said to have the dress made by a tailor; I think this is a great idea. I was in a Quincenera where we did this because a lot of the girls were plus size and they all turned out great. If you don't want to go that route, you could always have her get the different dress but buy everyone wraps to wear durning the ceremony so that the dresses will all look 'more' similar.
Don't feel too bad about it. It's an awkward situation but just explain to her that you had no idea, and you're so sorry to have embarassed her. It was an honest mistake.
Take a fabric swatch to a store, buy the fabric, then have it made to match! It'll cost more, but she already feels bad enough and she isn't going to want to stand out. There's not a lot you can do. Obviously you figured the JCrew dress would fit or you never would have considered it! Is she close enough to the 16 that you can get some matching fabric and have the dress let out? I wouldn't say "buy two dresses" but perhaps buy some extra matching material and have a panel put in the back? I feel bad, but that could be an option for an experienced seamstress to tackle.
Also, if she is the only plus sized girl who can't order from JCrew, she may even be more comfortable in a more modest dress in the same color. Then it's not like she didn't fit into the JCrew dress, but that she just wanted more coverage (particularly if your Jcrew dresss are strapless). I've seen that before.
Could you go with two colors of BM dresses or two styles? Lots of weddings nowadays do the alternating colors or styles for bridesmaid dresses. That might help take the awkwardness out of the situation.
I think I'd try talking to your FSIL to see what she prefers as an option. Apologize and say that you weren't aware of JCrew's sizing limitations. I'd try to talk it through together and see what the best option is. Let her know of the ideas you've come up with (DB, having a dress made, etc) to see what she's most comfortable with. That way, she'll know that you want her to be happy and she'll have some options that work for her.
I think your FSIL will stand out more if she is in a dress that doesn't fit right or a style that is not flattering. Can you get swatches of the two colors, give them to your FSIL with some parameters about overall style, and let her go buy her own dress? She will then be in something that she likes, fits her, and is (hopefully) flattering.
ok im going through the same thing with my sister my other girlls cocktail dresses i got for 20 but didn't come in her size. I told her we would get her a dress in the same color and length just some where else. I found the exact color but a different style and she is fine with it because she will stand out as my sister and no one will have to ask who the sister of the bride is.
I think buying two dresses is a bit too expensive. My one BM is on the edge of a 14/16, and took her dress to her local Nordstrom and they were able to let it out a bit for her. Obviously if she's several sizes larger than an 16 that won't work, but if she's an 18, it's something to consider, there might be a bit of room to play with.
I so know how you feel my bridesmaids range from model thin to plus size. I did look at JCrew as well, but I settled on a designer that makes dresses up to size 28. Bagdley Mishka and Priscilla of Boston have fabulous dresses, so I chose a color and let the girls pick their own dress. Take a look at the websites, the prices are actually less than JCrew.
I know its your day technically, but can you imagine what is like not to feel comfortable in your dress and be the center of attention like the bridesmaids are. This is only compounded if you are overweight where you constantly feel insecure. I just told myself it is more important for my friends to feel good in their dresses than for me to choose a dress I like for them. You can still choose the color.
We had to sew the two dresses together for a bridesmaid that gained a lot of weight before my sister's wedding. It worked out and she looked great. Find an experienced seamstress and get her fitted.
My sister is now overweight and I just let her pick the dress she felt comfortable in and happy. The other girls obliged. But, it's too late for that for you and JCrew dresses are great.
Could you find a similar fabric and pattern and have someone sew a dress for her?
I don't want to sound harsh but, please put yourself in her shoes. I am not plus sized but I am not a size 4 and sometimes feel awkard when I can't borrow clothes from my smaller friends. I can't even imagine how it would feel to try to buy a dress and be told they don't make it in my size. You mention she is very plus sized but why didn't you think of this before asking everyone to buy J. Crew dresses? The website shows the sizes and at the very least YOU should have inquired to make sure everyone could wear the dress you asked them too. It just seems like you didn't consider her at all. I know it is your day but I would feel terrible as the only one in a different dress because I was too large to wear the same dress as the rest of the bridal party. That being said, I can see how this was just poor planning and not ment to offend.
I would suggest you talk to her and if she expresses that she will feel awkard or self consious or hesitates in any way to wear a totally differnt dress, you should be willing to change the dress for the bridal party. I know those J.Crew dresses were bought on sale but you can always resell them on ebay or in the classifieds to recoup the sale price paid. To be the girl in the differnt dress, would constantly remind me that I was too fat to wear J. Crew like everyone else and I would be in a terrible state on your wedding day for sure. If this were your sister, you most likely would have considered her size before making the decision. She is going to be your sister for the rest of your life and this is not the way you want her to remember your wedding, is it?
I don't mean to be harsh either, but I have to agree with Slicey on that fact that you probably should have checked your FSIL's size and checked with J. Crew on their sizing before telling everyone to order.
That said, is your FSIL right on the edge of a 16? Like maybe 16-18? Because if so, you could call J. Crew and see if there is a certain style that runs a little bigger, or could possibly be let out. The customer service at J. Crew is extremely helpful.
How your sister will feel is 50% how you handle it and 50% how comfortable she is in her own skin -- and this is an extremely personal issue which differs for everybody. Gauge your sister's response throughout the process. I would let her choose what she wants to do.
Was she crying because the dresses won't fit her (which isn't an issue related to you specifically -- it's just an unfortunate fact of life for those of us above size 16) or because she thought you personally excluded her by picking a "thin girl" dress? There's a difference.
I respectfully disagree with hotchild & slicey. Most of my friends who have been thin all their lives (size 14 or less) had NO IDEA that I couldn't shop at the stores they do. It's not something you would normally think of unless you'd encountered this sort of thing before (like with a family member, etc.), or were unusually perceptive about the sizing issues.
I've run into this a few times and am perfectly fine telling the bride, "Hey, pick the dress you want -- if you want to include me, I wear a size XX & some companies don't make that size. If not, just let me know the color and I'll find something comparable."
I also disagree that overweight people feel constantly insecure. Maybe some of us are, but it's not a fair generalization. Sure, there are restrictions on what I can wear and I might even face some discrimination. But I and many plus size people have overcome this, just as I would work hard to overcome any other insecurity.
I think the answer to this situation lies with your sister & how she is feeling. Talk to her and sincerely apologize, let her know that her participation in your wedding is more important than any one dress, and see what she wants to do.
hey bees,
thanks for the help and advice. too often we see a problem post and never get to hear how they resolved it, and i fixed the crisis. my 4 bridesmaids who are friends went ahead and ordered the jcrew burnished olive green dresses (on sale for $80 wahoo!) and i made the executive decision to have my 2 sisters and future sister-in-law in purple from a completely different company. turns out the spiced wine is backordered for a while too. i really like now how my friends are in green and family in purple now :) i did wind up calling the FSIL and apologizing and she said she felt bad for making me change my dresses and we're fine now.
currently, i'm trying to find a purple silk taffeta BM dress that will come in up to size 25. have any company suggestions bees? so far i got a swatch from aria dresses. i like the color but the styles look pretty *blah*
I love the simplicity of Lynn Lugo: http://www.lynnlugobridal.com/dresses/ and Siri: http://www.siriinc.com/
They have great colors, and when my bridesmaids tried on their styles, they looked great on very different body types. They are expensive, but browse for inspiration and then see if you find something similar from a designer that is more reasonably priced.
You guys came up with a great solution!!
I love how you resolved this issue. Kudos to you!! I think your ladies will look awesome.
I feel like I have to do a PSA on Melissa Sweet dresses- we had major issues with the zippers. Just sayin- you might want to avoid that.
This dress in Sangria is beautiful and comes up to Plus Size 26!
http://www.davidsbridal.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplayView?storeId=10052&catalogId=10051&categoryId=-49998974¤tIdx=1&subCategory=-49998976|-49998975|-49998974&catentryId=6110567&sort=
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I'm freaking out, I have a huge dilemma. I was obsessed for months to find a department store cocktail dress instead of your typical BM dresses. After an exhausted search I actually found the burnished olive and spiced wine dresses from JCrew and happily settled with that.
I sent an email out to my bridesmaids and they've already started buying their dresses which are non-refundable bc they are on sale. My problem is that my future sister-in-law who is very plus sized called my fiance crying saying she is bigger than a size 16 and already talked to JCrew and they don't do her size. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I found 2 comparable dresses on DBridal but I think she's worried she'll stand out even more. My only thoughts were to order 2 dresses and have them sewen together to make one, order a comparable color from DBridal, or send a fabric swatch and have her get a dress made from a comparable fabric.
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HELP!!!!!