(Closed) help, am I being irrational about this gift issue?

posted 9 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Is this really going to matter a few weeks or months from now? Probably not. Let it go. People have vastly different ideas on what to spend on gifts and I am sure my monetary gifts are considered cheap in comparison to others. Gifts are gifts, it’s not a competition.

Post # 4
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

The cost per BM ($20/25) seems very reasonable and if you registered for it, then you wanted it.  If my BM’s just bought something off my registry that was a larger item (b/c a bunch of them were pooling money) I would feel really grateful.  Although I am not one to veer off registries for shower or wedding gifts, I also did not spend anywhere near even $50 for the FSIL shower.  My FI did spend about $200 on their wedding gift though.  

 I think you need to realized that your BM’s went in on a present together and it’s harder to sometimes be very creative on a present from more than just a few people.  Too many components.  Just be happy that they got you something.

 

And getting your FSIL a small present?  Don’t worry about it.  She’s making you spend a huge amount of money to be in her wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

She probably isn’t noticing any problem at all because she’s planning her wedding as well…and you know some people are more compassionate than others and are affected more by other people’s lack of concientious actions…  Try to let it go!  Grain of salt- (even though I’m the same way you are :))

Post # 6
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I’m the same as you, I love putting together a gift and adding accessories to it and wrapping it beautifully and finding the perfect card. But some people just are not into it at all. They get the registry and buy something off it, chuck it in a bag with some tissue and call it a day. I also get dissapointed when something is gifted to me and it looks more like an obligation than a gift the person was excited to give me. I have to remind myself that some people have zero creativity and no knack for ‘gifting’. Though it does sound like your future SIL is completely wrapped up in her own wedding and not thinking about anyone elses. I wouldn’t give her a cheap wedding gift though (much as I would want to as well), be the better person and get her something boring off her registry… and chuck it in a bag with some tissue 🙂

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d wait to see what they spend on you for a wedding gift and take that into consideration.

I usually spend about $75 on shower gifts and $100 on wedding gifts. Maybe you are just a very thoughtful person. Most ppl would appreciate that. 

The HUGE pricetag that it’s costing for you to be in her wedding would be MY main incentive to get a less expensive gift. I can’t buy as nice of wedding gifts for the girls whose weddings i’m in, simply b/c i’m already spending $500 to be there. I don’t have THAT much more for a gift.

It’s ok, consider yourself the bigger person though sweetie. And keep this in mind when she gets preggo and don’t spend too much time/energy on handmaking a baby blanket or anything like that. I only like to do those things for people who i KNOW will appreciate it.  

Post # 8
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’ll be honest, I’d definitely have hurt feelings too.  I have a good job and I’m not in school so my circumstances aren’t the same as everyone’s, but I generally spend $50 on shower gifts when I’m not in the wedding, and $100 when I am; and I ususally give $100-300 to the bride and groom for the wedding.  I live on the east coast though so grain of salt applies 🙂

I feel like this sort of thing happens to a lot of ladies.  As hurtful as it is though, I think with people like that, you just have to let it go and remember that not everyone takes the same joy in being thoughtful like you- its really just a matter of different values and probably not personal.  So maybe, going forward, you just don’t put yourself in a position with her again where you feel like you’re really trying to be thoughtful and she’s not reciprocating- for her baby shower, $25 might really be your best bet.  But by the same token, the wedding gift isn’t just for her- its your brother too- so I think you just have to go with your gut.  There are never any easy answers to this stuff!

Post # 9
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would get a less expensive gift for their wedding, but not out of spite. Many guests at my wedding bought us really expensive shower gifts (since those were the ones that would be shown off at the shower) and then a less expensive gift at the wedding. So I don’t htink you would be outside the realm of reasonable if you did the same.

Post # 10
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I don’t blame you at all! And honestly, I would just give them a card for the wedding. That is alot of money that you are spending and I think because she comes from a wealthy family may not realize that she is being unreasonable, especially since you are going above and beyond for both hers and your wedding. You may even want to talk to her about it, if it is always going to bother you. If you think it won’t bother you a few months from now and you are going to feel bad about not getting a gift then definately don’t get expensive. If it were me, I would talk to her about what she is asking and what she has done for you. But do what will make you happy and don’t let her ruin YOUR special day! 🙂

Post # 11
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh I totally get why you are hurt! Our feelings don’t follow etiquette so I think most people would get upset about this kind of stuff!

Just remember when it comes to the wedding gift why you are giving a gift at all? I don’t believe in giving gifts out of obligation and I can tell from how much fun you had personalizing that you enjoy giving gifts because giving feels good so try to keep that and you BIL in mind when buying their wedding gift but only do what you can afford because I also believe that no friend would want you to give them a gift when you can’t afford it and you already have spent a lot on being her BM.

I would just put it behind you and enjoy this very exciting time in your life!

Post # 12
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’d be upset in your situation as well, although I’d be more hurt that she didn’t attend your shower/send a card. That shows a complete lack of thoughfulness.I can understand why your BMs gave you a random gift, though, like someone else said. It’s hard to find something to go in on together that’s super significant (for my FI wedding next week, we all chipped in to get them….a vacuum! exciting, no?)

However, with the $600+ you’ve spent already on her wedding (bm attire & shower gift), I’m suprised you’re even considering giving her a gift at the wedding! My BMs will have spent much less than that (but over $100) and I’ve explicitly told them NOT to give me a present. To me, being the “better person” and giving an expensive gift sounds more like caving in to someone who’s acting spoiled.

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