Post # 1
I recently posted some posts about my troubled marriage. During our discussions in hopes to make things better, I talked to hubby about boundary issues with our neighbors. He hangs out with them ALL the time. Which is fine to a certain degree. Getting to the point that he hangs out with everynight and has totally neglected me.
Anyways. The other day i came home, hubby wasnt in the house so I went out to the garage to see if he was there. He wasnt so i called him to ask where he was, when he would be home so i could start dinner. Well hubby says “Im in the garage”. Told him no, im in the garage, you are not here lol. The he states that he is in the “other garage”. Well bee’s, we only have one garage lol. So I told him this, “Umm we have one garage, where are you” Then after the prying he tells me he is at the female neighbors house having a drink!!!
I dont know if i am being over sensitive, but with all our issues, all our discussion and specially the ones about boundaries with the neighbors he does this?!
Why didnt he just tell me straight up what he was doing? He does stuff like this all the time, and now wonders why we are having issues.
I am having a hard time getting over this. I feel like he is lying to me and hiding from me.
With this particular neighbor, when we first moved into the nieghborhood we became friends. Right away she got very over bearing, and possesive like. Wanting to spend every waking moment. Came to the point that when i was busy (legit busy, working late or family matters) she would ask my husband why I dont have time for her. And this is the girl that he tried hiding that he was having drinks with!!
I dont know what to do. I talk to him about it, he doesnt get and continues with these actions!!!
Post # 2
That is wildly inappropriate and completely disrespectful. You have every right to be suspicious- at the most it’s an affair, at the least he’s just being an inconsiderate daft ass but either is bad. I would drop the hammer on that today.
Post # 3
MrsBuesleBee: Thank you! I honestly dont think he is having an affair, he just doesnt think before his actions. Well he used to. Not lately. I literally just had a discussion with him about thinking before he speaks or does things, think about the appropriacy or consequence or how it would effect soemone. Then he does this. Thank you for your opinion. Not happy.
Post # 4
He knows what he is doing is wrong and you wouldn’t be ok with it, which is why he straight up lied to you about where he was. If he didn’t know or tho l it was an issue he would have just told you straight out where he was and what he was doing. clearly he does not respect you enough to not only not lie to you but to act on things he knows are wrong. What a winner.
Post # 5
Keep your Hubby right away from this lady!
My Hubby is pretty good friends with our male neighbours and one day one of them certain over to see my hubby. The conversation started and we were chatting for a good three or four minutes before he said “Is ***** in the shower”? I said “No, he is working overtime tonight” he looks at the driveway, and playfully slaps himself on the head (obviously because my hubbys car wasn’t there. Then he apologised “I’m so sorry, I had no idea, I’ll leave now” and so on. We hadn’t left the verandah! He felt awful, then after Hubby came home he made a point of coming over to apologise. My Hubby told him straight out, told him he wouldn’t be impressed if we were in the house alone together etc… but a chat on the verandah was fine. He has never chatted with me since anyway.
I guess I’m telling the story became he realised that some things are inappropriate, and being alone with your friends SO is one of them.
You need to do something, if she doesn’t see a boundary has been crossed (or does and doesn’t care) than she is trouble, with a capital T
Post # 6
Not only what he’s doing but the fact that he knows its wrong and lies to you. I would be concerned about how little he respects you and your relationship.
Post # 7
MrsBuesleBee: +1 this!
The half-truth answers or riddles about his whereabouts are bullshit. I would be pissed. Especially if you’re already having issues!? This is completely unacceptable. If this were a mutual long time friend I wouldn’t care so much but she isn’t–oh hell no.
Post # 8
BWLE: Wow. Never thought of it this way, and that only makes sick sense. YOu are right.
sandy85: Well good for him for realizing it wasnt right. And again, like BWLE pointed out, he knew the difference and thats why he lied.
KC-2722: I agree. This is my concern. And this has been brought up in discussion before. Another sad example. ON OUR WEDDING DAY! he had a discussion with some guests that if we dont concieve this year, we wouldnt be having kids. Which WAS NOT a discussion or decision made by us. He didnt see the wrong in that comment either. Or he doesnt care too and this is what hurts.
Post # 9
RedheadMeggs: I agree with you. However, the lying. The boundary crossed specially after deep discussions about this, I honestly would be ok with if he didnt lie. The fac the lied makes me want to leave now.
Post # 10
I think that this, combined with your past posts are very concerning. Are you guys still in separate rooms?
Post # 11
Nikki I just went back thru the threads you mentioned and with this new info it really sounds like you’re going through a terrible time with your husband.
I know other Bees have said this but it really does seem like your husband is no longer “in” your relationship. He’s checked out. He repeatedly ignored your attempts to communicate, didn’t get the importance of your letter, has made zero efforts to do anything to make the situation better for you, didn’t dispute your sleeping in the other room (is this still the case?) and is now chatting up some neighbor in her garage and lying about it. None of this sounds like he’s in love with you, like he loves you or considers you.
The worst part is you’re going through this phase of doing everything you possibly can to try and make him interested in you, the relationship and your marriage. You should never have to WORK to get someone to love you. Yes, you should work to be the very best person you possibly can when you love someone and they love you back, but not as a starting point, do you see the difference?
While communication is key, research has shown that it’s actually not the most important predictor or component for a successful marriage. Friendship is. I know others have recommended you read the five love languages so I’m not going to do that again, I will however recommend you read The Seven Principles to Making a Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. I believe this experimental psychologist married a clinical psychologist and is one of the only in the field to go into why traditional couples’ therapy (focused on communication and active listening) doesn’t usually work and what to do instead. I hope it helps!
Post # 12
Unfathomably: Indeed it is very concerning. We have shared a bed again. Three weeks after I gave him the letter (no successful discussion happened) i came home to flowers and a planned date night. After these recent actions, I feel like that attempted effort was to shut me up.
Soon2ElopeBee: I sure am. I personally feel liky my husband married me out because its the “thing to do” I dont know if he actually knows what partnership is. Respect is the biggest thing for me and I can truly deal with other aspects that bother me, but not disrespect.
After me giving him the letter, it took him weeks to open up to discssion. It took him three weeks to attmept any sort of effort. I came home to flowers and a planned date night. I hugged him and started crying, begging for us to fix things and work on things togethre. Well since then, no further actions. No discsions. I agree with you, marriage isnt just about the communication and i can deal with that. But we need to have a life together, and he has to want to care about my needs and wants.And you are so right, there has to be a frienship, and that is gone.
I am trying to stay positive, but these actions have close me off further. Which is not helping. But i still go home to him, share the bed and attmept at hanging out with me.
I actually just came across this book title, doing research for fixing marriages! Thank you for the suggestion.
The languages of love, it was useful but again, you have to have that want to put effort and he lacks that.
Post # 13
I’m sorry 🙁 I looked back at your other post too. You’re in a tough situation. You’ve tried talking to him and expressing your concerns and can’t get on the right track. Have you tried being the one to plan date night? Trying to plan other activities with him to get him more involved in your life together? Meal planning, plans to have people over or do some kind of activity on the weekend?
Post # 14
Scarlett11: Yup! I have been inviting people over more. The last couple weekends I have had my cousins over (very close, males too) and he has actually joined in on conversation and hanging out with us. Which was beyond awesome. We planned a mexico trip with some friends in November. Hanging out with some healthy marriages, hoping he can observe and see and maybe this can rekindle something… But again, with his recent actions, im deterred.
One of my conflicts is that he is so busy with work and doesnt prioritize.He works everyday of the month that the weather is nice, so its become hard to plan a life together. THis alone, I have asked him to at least put sundays aside for us. The things I have tried planning, he has no interest in 🙁 Even just simple things like having date night at the house, and play board games. I actually printed out date night fun questions, and we played that for a long time! He actually enjoyed it. He was amazed how much i knew about him. and i was hurt how little he knew about me.
Post # 15
Nikkimcq: I can’t imagine how painful this must be. You appear to want to work through this and his actions make it seem like he doesn’t. It shouldn’t be this much work to get your husband to respect you and make you feel like you’re in a partnership together.
Is he open to counselling?