Post # 1
I go to an non-denominational Christian church and have been attending for approx. 8 years. My fiance has been attending the church for like 6 years.t There are only a couple of things I don’t like about the church:
- Although not pushed on people the underlining assumption is if you don’t accept Jesus as your savior you will go to hell. …In their defense the pastor and other leaders in the church relate verbally how our faith can at times in our life become skewed along with the fact that they too are sinners and just normal people.
- Homosexual behavior is a sin. They claim it is not a sin to be a homosexual but that it is a sin to act on it and thus obviously they in now way support gay marriage. I have know this about the church but a long time but figured there is going to be at least one thing anyone doesn’t like about a church blah blah blah.
So I’m getting married a week from Saturday and the lead pastor is out of town. We are getting married at a one stop shop ceremony, dinner and reception. My fiance (with out my consent) asked another leader (earlier mentor to him) to do the ceremony. I was not please because the officiant is included in the ceremony price package we are already paying for and we are …throat clear, in a tiny bit of debt with the wedding etc. and I don’t know the guy at all… blah blah blah.
Well, after meeting with him earlier this week after discussing a survey my finace and I took which measures relationship strengths and weaknesses I mentioned to the …church leader ? I don’t want him to go heavy in the “marriage is only between a man and a woman” because my gay cousin is going to be there along …who ever else who is gay and there that I’m not that concerned about. My cousin however is the most intelligent, successful and caring family member I know. In my lifetime (and we did take many many trips etc with them when we were young and onward), I have never heard the man speak ill of anyone. I have never know him to be in a serious relationship …just stuck in the same bs dating pool we all go through until we find the one. He doesn’t sleep around …for all I know he is a virgin?? I doubt that because he’s in his later 30’s but whatever…
So the church leader insists that he believes and presents only things biblical and as it is in Geneisis marriage is only between a man and a woman.
I have prayed and thought about this… just go through with it quietly. Call my cousin and apologize first. Find a different reading for the “leader” which he won’t do anyway. I was in tears the other day driving because that is not in my heart. I DO NOT believe that God would be opposed to two people in a monogamous loving, respectful relationship who engage in intimacy and do so to have and to hold for this day forward …blah blah ForEver. I just don’t buy it. The rib thing is a great symbol of not above or below but by the guys side but seriously? How can a Christian church “leader” be so stricken to this especially when the churchs main focus and I mean 80 percent of the time OR MORE is about Jesus Chris aka A.C.
Now what do I do? Opinions, suggestion, Prayers! I’ll taken ‘em.
Post # 4
Honestly, if you aren’t comfortable with this guy officiating, talk to your FI about it and try to get someone else.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Do you have a copy of the ceremony? I was able to review ours online (link below), and was able to pick the alternative vows/combine some.
If there’s a line you specifically aren’t happy with, hopefully the officiant can remove it. Or, if it’s not going to work, you can still have a very religious ceremony with another officiant. We’re United Methodist, and I loved our ceremony. (No rib stuff in here!)
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Honestly, I would not allow him to officiate. If he can’t slightly edit his traditional ceremony to meet the unique needs of you as a couple, he shouldn’t be the one to officate the ceremony. I mean, how hard can it be to change a couple sentences (or omit them)? I think that you should go back to this “leader” and let him know that if he’s unable to tweak the ceremony, you’ll find someone else to officiate.
I hope your FI is supportive of you and as compassionate as you are.
Post # 7
Agreed agreed agreed.
I know it is in Genesis that marriage is between man and a woman. “God created woman to be man’s helpmate” and all that. (Frankly I don’t like this passage because of the way it is usally phrased to imply that MAN came first and WOMAN was only created because he needed a “helper”. To me this passage does not imply gender equality, midsection rib or no. But I’m one of those crazy picky oversensitive types I suppose.)
Anyway, there are plenty of other wedding appropriate scriptures, that do not specifically include gender. Surely he can read one of those.
Ask to read the entire ceremony, start to finish. Any words or passages you don’t like, ask to change them. He doesn’t have to be false to his own beliefs to do this — he doesn’t have to approve of gay marriage. Agee to disagree and find a neutral compromise. If the script says, “Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman,” he doesn’t need to say even “between two people” he could stop at “Marriage is a commitment.” That is a neutral phrase that all can agree on.
If an old testament reading is required/desired, find one that doesn’t mention gender.
It’s not about condoning or condemning homosexuality.It’s simply about uniting 2 people in a relationship he approves of in marriage in the sight of man and God. That is the focus of the day.
And if he can’t or won’t do that in a way that makes you feel comfortable and respected, than find someone else. Period. Because PLENTY of people will (including, it looks like from your post, the officiant including at your venue).
Oh, but talk to your FI about it first. I know he didn’t talk it through with you first, but he may have just assumed “Hey, our preacher is out, she is going to panic! I will be a man and fix this! I’m sure my old mentor will do the favor of marrying us for me. Back up preacher it is! There. Problem solved. Man, am I good.”Make sure you are on the same page about, “If the preacher won’t change, then we change who our preacher is”.
Post # 8
Thanks bees! The FI is actually being an asss about it and everything else. I called the wedding off today. He later convinced me to otherwise but I’m not so sure this is a good idea …on the other hand I litterally have no where else to go. cold feet or reality check? I don’t know. Evenings like this I wish I drank…
Post # 9
BREATHE! relax….wedding stress can cause fights….and your FI might just not want to rock the boat with his religious leader…which I DO understand …
I am not christian, my FI is not religious…we are hiring a non denominational wedding officiant who is seen in the eyes of the government as a legal wedding officiant…..
My FI’s cousins are BOTH catholic, and they actually hired the same officiant that we want (I met him in january, and saw him officiate their wedding in april, which was pretty awesome…)
apparently FI’s and his cousin’s grandmother kept saying “no priest?” and asked my FI’s aunt if the wedding was even legal….LOL…at least she’ll be prepared for our wedding (sort of, if she remembers…)
I would suggest
1) really talk to your FI about your concerns….he should be taking his future in laws (and wive’s) feelings into consideration….this WILL set the tone with them….
2) find a new officiant….search on the internet…I am sure there is someone out there to help you!
Post # 10
@pricklypig: I was writing my ceremony and actually looked up the original Hebrew meaning of “helpmeet” and it actually means strong opposite. Google it because the real meaning is fascinating and sooooo far removed from what must of us have been taught!
@chinacat: I won’t go into my beliefs, but suffice it to say I do belive in rights. Period. Your ceremony is reflection of you and if there is something that may “irk” you during that special moment I would suggest leaving it out.