Help! At the end of my sanity!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I can understand why you would be resentful. It honestly sounds like people have been putting on their “kid gloves” with him for his whole life. He sounds like a nice guy. Really. But I can’t stand the thought of being with someone who can’t pull their proverbial weight. What happens if you get sick/pregnant, etc?

I think he is too focused on getting THE job and not A job. I wouldn’t care if my husband was a pizza delivery driver, I would just want him to be a man and do something to contribute financially to our household.

I understand that he has learning difficulties and that is unfortunate. Does he really have the born-ability to do the job in this field (whatever it may be?) Should he set his sights a little “lower?” Not everyone is going to be an engineer.

Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this, OP. I just wonder if there is a future there as it is impossible to just live on love. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

Wow, this must be so tough. I definitely get how you don’t want to make him feel like he isn’t worthy because of his unemployment record, but at the same time everybody has their limit. Has he thought about pursuing a “starter” job outside of his field just temporarily to help with income? It might beef up his resume a bit and give you an extra little bit to help out with bills. It sounds like he is sensitive about it, so maybe just having SOMETHING would help his self esteem a bit and take some of the pressure off you. He might be able to build up some pride and confidence knowing he is still contributing, even if it isn’t what he’s gone to school for. Not ideal, I know, but I think you’ve been plenty patient enough.

He sounds like a good guy stuck in a really really deep rut-which unfortunately won’t reverse itself overnight. It sounds like a lot of it could stem from how he was raised, and like you said he doesn’t like talking about it because it’s stressful and unpleasant. It’s a tall order, so it might take a few baby steps and lots of encouragement to get him in a place where you feel balanced again.

Post # 5
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t know his field, so some of these suggestions may be moot, but he nesds to step outside of his comfort zone a bit because what he’s doing isn’t working.  Can he do volunteer work in his field?  Unpaid internships? Are there specialized networking groups he could join? What about information interviews with people in his field?

The worst thing he can do is have big gaps on his resume.  He needs a job. Any job is better than no job. He is putting a really unfair burden on you. I’d be resentful too.

Post # 6
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

We used to have a more generous welfare system here in the UK and while I dislike the changes that our current Government is making on the basis of cost alone, I have to agree with the theory that not working gradually makes people less capable of working. Getting into the habit of unemployment has an insidious effect and can easily make someone less capable of trying to work.

It sounds as if your guy has got fairly comfortable not having a job and sure, I accept that he has tried hard to get one but ultimately, any job right now would be good for his well being and yours. So it might well be that he needs to look outside his field and perhaps even consider volunteering because this would also enhance his CV and his prospects.

It isn’t healthy for you to put so much into your relationship and get so little back and it sounds as if his parents aren’t very helpful so far as encouraging his independence. So I can quite see why you’ve reached a point where some serious decisions need to be made. Unless you are prepared to be the sole breadwinner ad infinitum, he needs an incentive to get a job. It’s a shame that this might have to come in the form of an ultimatum but it may be that this is what it’ll take. 

Post # 7
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is he open to any job while searching for a career job?  Even those can be harder to get these days because of the number of people unemployed and searching, but while he’s looking for a real job, he should also be filling out applications for simple jobs like fast food, retail, etc. A job like that would leave him time to keep searching for/applying for “real” jobs while bringing in at least some income! It will also look better on his resume if he’s currently doing something – anyything is better than an empty resume because it at least shows employees he can hold down a job and is willing to work. 

On that note, if he can’t get a job of any sort, he needs to volunteer or something. Long, empty gaps in employment is black mark on a resume for many employers. 

That’s all job-related, but I don’t really have advice for the emotional/relationship aspect… 

Post # 8
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

On your side, you have to accept that you may be in that primary breadwinner role for a long time, or perhaps have to go back into it once you’ve gotten used to being out of it. There is no room for resentment in a relationship and if you can’t accept that your fiance’s work history plus learning disabilities put him at a career disadvantage to you, then it’s probably time to move on.  There truly is nothing wrong with being a single-income family so long as both partners agree to it and you live within your means.

If you can accept that, then it’s time for your fiance to do “something” while he is on the job hunt.  Ideally that would be volunteering, because it’s very good to give back to the community, plus this would give him something tangible to put on a resume, possibly even some social connections that can help with the job hunt, and may even be the first time he’s learned a sense of obligation and routine. If there’s no opportunity to volunteer then a mutually agreeable list of projects with clear goals and deadlines, to benefit your household, needs to be drawn up. If you’re out working all day and he is landscaping the garden or building a patio, that really isn’t such a bad thing. But he needs some sense of duty to follow, as well as the sense of accomplishment that comes when you finish doing any task.

Post # 9
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@luckylady3090:  agreed–a year is plenty of time to get some kind of job. My fiancé (then boyfriend) had a heck of a time trying to get a job as a teacher after he graduated college. He applied to a ton of places for all kinds of jobs and eventually got picked up to do minimum wage tech support call center work. Stupid hours, little pay, and he was way overqualified, but it saved us for a whole summer before he got really lucky and was offered a teaching job. I was in  school working part time then so I don’t know how we would have paid our bills without it. 

He should try applying for jobs that aren’t as fun like food places, retail, convenience stores, tech support and then once he has that job look for better ones. It’s totally true that the best time to look for a job is when you have one. And the lack of crazy desperation will make for better interviews and they will see he is a great worker. 

As for the rest, I sorry you’re in such a tight spot. I don’t really have any advice except that y’all have been together so long that I hope once the job stuff gets sorted out the rest will fall into place. I think once you don’t have that resentment going on, you’ll be able to tell if you’re together because you want to be or because it’s just how you’ve been living for so long. Just because you love him doesnt mean you have to stay with him if it’s not best for you. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Bee_N_Anonymous:  if he can’t break into his chosen field with work – can he volunteer?

volunteering has done AMAZING things for my career options, and my SO’s as well. i’m in grad school and everyone i know does some sort of pro bono or volunteer work. it would be a great way for him to ease into having a job. it’s less hours, typically a lower standard for volunteers (ie places that might not have hired for for $ would still have him volunteer) and a great way to network, show he’s got intitiative and drive and can end up with a fantastic reference. 

i’m not sure what to say about other issues in your relationship, but i hope he can work towards some kind of meaningful employment, for your financial future and his self confidence!

Post # 11
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

I completely agree with everyone here..I think if he cannot get paid employment at the moment, volunteering would be the next best thing. It would deffinately help his resume and would probably give him more self worth. Just waiting around is not healthy for either of you. I would suggest volunteering to him and maybe even find some organizations in your local area online to show him. Who knows..maybe volunteering could somehow lead him to getting a paid position somewhere. Im sorry your going through a hard time and I wish the both of you good luck for the future.

Post # 12
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry but he should be working. I hate the excuse that he can’t take a customer service job because he is intoverted. I have pretty severe social anxiety and I’ve been working in retail for 5 years. It has done wonders in making me better adept at dealing with people and just all around more motivated to GET OUT and into my chosen field!

Being able to hold down a job, even a “menial” one, shows commitment and a responsible nature.

Also, I agree with everyone else that he should be volunteering if that is at all applicable to his field.

Post # 13
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 He’s been coddled for FAR too long. He needs to suck it up and find ANY job.  Call centers generally don’t require math skills, nor do they require experience. Retail is an option too. Lots of people are introverts. They’re still employed. First jobs usually suck. That’s why they’re called ‘entry level’, because you’re not supposed to keep at that job forever. I know he wants his dream job, doing what he enjoys, but that’s not reality. He should absolutely keep applying for them, but in the meantime, bills still need to get paid. And sitting at home dwelling on his situation is not going to improve it. Once he’s out in the workforce and gets his confidence back, he’ll interview better, you’ll stop being resentful and things will start looking up. If it takes a while for his ideal job, that’s fine. 

Post # 14
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Bee_N_Anonymous:  Aw, sorry about your situation!

I think the biggest problem here is that he won’t get a job. I refuse to believe that he can’t get a construction job or sell furniture or do SOMETHING, you know? I feel like you’re the one making all the sacrifices here, and I can’t say I blame you for resenting him.

We all do things we don’t want to do. He needs to suck it up and get any job. You’ve been shouldering the responsibilities for far too long. I think that his lack of ambition would worry me the most. Tons of people aren’t in their field.. they’re still working to pay the bills, though. It sounds like you’ve been babying him for too long.

I would tell him flat out that you’re at the point where you need to him work because you’re starting to resent carrying him financially. If he snaps back to reality and gets a job then I’d say your relationship still has hope… but if he just continues what he’s doing despite knowing how you feel, it may be time to leave or you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.

Post # 16
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Bee_N_Anonymous:  My initial thought while reading your post is that your SO is not unemployed due to lack of trying. It sounds like he is trying to get into fields using his degree and not having much luck due to the current job situation in the US. I get wanting him to find a secure job and wanting to have more money coming in, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame him. You said yourself that he is constantly job seeking and only lost this last job due to lay-offs. How can he help that?

As for the sex issue, the two of you have been together a long time. When couples live together for years, their relationship faces the same issues a marriage would. The honeymoon period has been over for a very, very long time. It’s becoming more and more common for two people to live together this way, and it changes some of the ways we think about dating. After 9 years and 4 years of living together, advice that would apply to other dating couples may not fit in your situation. I would also say that it is normal to go through libido issues at some point. I don’t have advice on increasing your libido, but I always recommend initiating sex even if you don’t feel like it. I also recommend scheduling it ahead of time.

Ultimately, I don’t know what’s best for you. I just wanted to bring up the fact that the job situation does not appear to be his fault, and that couples in long, serious, live-in relationships need to consider problems a bit differently than those who have just started dating. If you can’t live with the rough patches with him, then it’s time to go. At the same time, you can never expect constant smooth sailing in marriage should you go forward with your engagement plans.

ETA: I do believe he should be able to find some sort of job. If you would be content with him working fulltime in a minimum wage scenario, then tell him. He can certainly find some type of employment. If you’re more concerned about him having an established career in his educational field, then that’s a bit different.

 

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