Help- attracted to another man other than FI

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Firstly, I wouldn’t get drunk around him again! I think you need to put some distance between the two of you before this goes any further.

Post # 3
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lubeznik Center for the Arts

It’s sort of normal to find people attractive….when you are comitted to someone it doesn’t shut off your sexual self necessarily, and I think it’s normal – but you can’t “go there”. I’ve thought of people and been attracted to them several times during the course of my relationship, but I KNOW I could never, ever do anything with them because I wouldn’t betray my fiancey….I think I am physically unable to cheat on her, I love her so much. If you feel like you truly want to get naked, and totally would go through with it, that seems more dangerous to me.

Post # 4
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Also, I should add I think you should talk to your fiance. Not tell him about the other guy but maybe organise a date night or something?

Post # 5
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

You avoid this guy. 

 

And you communicate with your fiance what you want, and remind him that communication is important in a relationship, he can’t just shut your needs down. 

Post # 8
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Anonbee34:  I’ve been in a similar situation. Actually, I am currently. Love my FI to death but due to various stressors, etc. things have cooled down a bit and I’ve found one of my co workers particularly Attractive. This coworker all but admitted on a recent work trip that he finds me attractive, and I found it very flattering (all while drinking of course, and it stopped there). those feelings are normal. I think it is normal to fantasize but I know how much I’d be giving up if I actually acted on it. And remember, your fantasy about hooking up with him is probably a million times better than it actually would be. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  .
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  .
Post # 9
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Just don’t act on it and try not to do any personal socializing. Obviously you don’t want to make things weird, just treat him like you would anyone else. I think it’s the kind of attraction that will pass, because like you said he’s not your type.

Post # 9
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This is totally normal, especially when a relationship goes through a rough patch. My parents (who have been married over 35 years) have always told me this: don’t put yourself into any type of situation that could lead to something further. For example, one on one time with someone of the opposite sex can foster an emotional connection, and especially in times like what you’re describing, it’s verrrry easy to take it further and act on it. 

Bottom line, keep things professional and avoid him. Guaranteed, this will pass. But I would probably bring this up with my FI. If roles were reversed and my man felt this way about someone else, I would want to know, so I know where I stand and what I need to do!

 

Post # 11
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Two things:

1. Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn’t mean your libido dies. Being attracted to someone is perfectly natural.

2. Your FI has a right not to know every single thought that flits through your head. Obviously, don’t keep big secrets from him, but if you confess “I am not acting on it but another man is in my life who I find handsome,” what will that accomplish? At best, your FI won’t care, at worst, his feelings will be hurt and he won’t feel inadequate.

 

Don’t hang out alone with the guy, do NOT get drunk with him again (!!!), but also don’t pathologize a harmless crush. It will pass, but your FI will be there always.

Post # 12
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

rachel85:  I agree you do NOT need to tell your FI this! What will that accomplish?

Post # 13
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Anonbee34:  First, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re human….this is normal. Being in a commited relationship does not mean that you will never be attracted to another person or have chemistry with someone else. It means that you don’t act on it, and you seperate yourself from it until it passes.

Keep it professional at work and interact with this guy only if its work related. Talk to your FI and tell him that you guys need some time together and it HAS to be priority.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

Anonbee34:  Keep it short with him… and if socializing with co workers puts you in the position to drink and speak to this guy… then cut back on the socializing or the drinking. 

Post # 15
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

GrumpytheDwarf:  I agree with what you’re saying. However, I’m not sure if I would bring it up to FI. Some things are better kept silent, especially since nothing happened.  How would you feel if your FI said”oh, by the way, Steve(or whoever) and I were drinking and we told each other we liked each other. But nothing happened, just wanted to let you know where you stand.” Not trying to argue, just stating another way to looK at it. 

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