- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
My FI is best man at a wedding in TWO days and has only just asked me to write a speech for him.
Google helped quite a bit but please proof read this for me?
Ignore spelling and grammar though please:
For those of you who dont know me, my name is Josh and for those of you that do … well I apologize. It’s been said that the best man speech should only be as long as it takes for the groom to orgasm during sex. (Look at watch, scowl to yourself) So, have a great night everybody!
Foolishly, James has given me the great honor of being best man for him on this very special day. Let me just say how grateful I was to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion, the wedding of James and Teish
Unfortunately, those feelings have now gone out the window and I stand here before you … terrified.
Before I hand you over to ______, I would just like to say a big “Thank you” to the bridesmaids because they have done a marvelous job in helping Teish, and look fantastic!!!!
In fact they are only eclipsed by Teish herself, who, I’m sure you’ll agree looks absolutely stunning today. The groom however, just looks stunned.
Right now I would like to ask both James and Teish to take part in my speech. Teish will you please place your left/right hand on the table. James will you please place your left/right hand on top of Teish’s I would like to ask you both to keep your hands in this position until the end of my speech
Instead of telling you a bunch of stories that can drag on forever, you will have to listen to my marital advice instead. Im not sure Im the best person to dish out advice! But I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple
1. First, set the ground rules and establish whose boss – then do everything that Teish says
2. It’s better to go to bed angry than stay up all night fighting – you’ll need your rest in order to win the fight tomorrow.
3. And lastly – women lie. When your wife says, “I won’t be mad” she’s lying. When she says, “You don’t have to ask permission to go out with your friends” she’s lying. When she says, “Fros on men are sexy” she’s lying. When she says, “I want you to be honest with me – do I look fat in this?” she’s lying.
1. When James is hungry, he gets cranky and irritable. A hungry Jamesis less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first.
2. How will your husband know he’s going too fast unless you continuously slam the imaginary brakes on the passenger side of the car?
But really James you are one lucky man! You married Teish today.
Shes a beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and caring young woman.
She really deserves a great husband. Thank god she married you before she found one.
Have you still got your hands together? …. Good, good
The final and most important task, of the best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that that time has arrived as I look down at my fiancée and see her with her head in her hands, wondering what have I done!
It has been an honor and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldnt wish for a better friend to be best man for.
I think you will all agree that today, James truly is the best man.
Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked James to place his hand on top of Teish, I will tell you now. James… as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over Teish
Please stand up and raise your glasses to Mr. & Mrs. Robarts!!!