Post # 1
My wedding is in about a month and i unexpectedly received an email from one of my BMs telling me that she probably cant make it to my wedding bc her and her fiance have been fighting over about how much money they need to spend to come to my wedding. They fought to the point where they almost called their engagement off. To give some color to the story, they’re both from CA and my wedding will be in NY. Her fiance is a very traditional Japanese guy who thinks that traditionally in Japan, the bride and groom should pay for the travel expenses of the bridesmaids and such. First of all, im not Japanese and i’m having a Western style wedding. But, according to my Bm, her fiance doesnt understand it. So now im caught in the middle of their relationship problem and i really dont want my wedding to be the cause of their breakup. So i proposed i will pay for everything just to mend the relationship but i dont know if they will accept the offer. i also just found out her fiance even defriended me on fb so it seems like the situation has gone downhill. Am i doing something wrong here? What else can i do?
Post # 2
ryan007: You offered to pay for everything, which is what the argument seems to be between them. That is more than generous. I think you’ve done all you can do. Ball is in their court. Makes me wonder if there is something else going on in their relationship that this would cause an almost breakup of their engagement.
Post # 3
You’re not doing something wrong, unless you are also from a traditional Japanese family where it is expected that you pay… I think it is very nice of you to offer to pay for her items, and hopefully will help for this situation, but I have a feeling that relationship will have more cultural-related fights coming its way.
Post # 4
You offered to pay for everything already so I don’t think there is much else you can do about the situation.
Obviously I know nothing about your friend but I would be slightly concerned about her based on this situation. He seems rather controlling. I can’t even begin to understand why he would think his traditions would affect the way you host your wedding. Also, the fact that he unfriended you over this seems incredibly immature. It seems like there might be something more going on in their relationship.
Post # 5
This problem has nothing to do with you, and there really isn’t anything else that you can do. You’re not doing anything wrong, except being far too kind lol.
Your bridesmaid and her fiancée are the ones with the problem, so only they can solve it.
I agree with Babeba; there might be more cultural conflicts coming their way.
Post # 6
That’s completely ridiculous for your BM’s FI to expect you to pay their way! I understand that is a big expense on a guest, but it’s your wedding, and if the people who want to be there will be there whether it’s 3 miles away or 3,000 miles away.
Is your BM opposed to going without her FI? I do find it pretty awful that she’s backing out of the wedding because he has an issue. If she was just a guest it would be one thing, but she’s a bridesmaid.
Post # 7
ryan007: Wow, that was so kind of you but unnecessary. I’m really stumped on this one and just wanted to tell you that to validate you and your position.
I guess you might want to talk to your friend about what it means for her to be there and ask if she’d be willing to come alone.
Overall though, they are responsible for their choices. I can see why you feel like your wedding instigated things, but really her FI reacted to your wedding in a way that he chose. He didn’t have to act the way he has. He could have been firm and said no right away in a respectful way. There are a lot of other ways he could have handled it while still honoring his feelings about it.
I hope she can still be in your wedding!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
ryan007: Absolutely nothing. You are being incredibly generous by offering this to them. All you can do now is wait a little bit to let them calm down and then talk to her about it. Ask her what’s up. I am so sorry that you have been put in such a crappy situation.
Post # 9
Wow that is very generous of you to offer to pay for their travel expenses! As others have said, there is nothing more you can do. If your BM still cannot make it, then you’ll just have to accept that it was because of their relationship and nothing to do with you.
Post # 10
so… is he going to pay for you to go to their wedding?
Post # 11
If you yourself are not Asian, than I do not know what your BM’s FI is getting his panties in wad over. The custom that your friend’s FI is talking about usually only applies to Asian people (and which country you’re from originally), and even if you are of Asian descent, if your wedding is in America and you yourself are “Americanized” and having a Western wedding than he should also understand that many Asian people choose not to follow the customs once they’re over here.
If I were you, I’d stay out of their fight. If he is a very traditional Japanese man, than this is something that only his FI can help change his mind. At this late stage, he might take it as an “insult” to accept your generosity in paying for everything for your BM (since it was not something you offered from the beginning). Unfortunately, when it comes to very traditional Asian men issues like this can go from a mole hill into a big mountain very quickly, and if his pride is involved, than the only person who can talk reason to him would be his FI/wife.
Post # 12
Um….no. I think it is completely inappropriate for her to bring this to you, and to even consider letting you pay for them. It is not your job to manage his cultural expectations. People have different cultural beliefs and expectations….it is your wedding, so he needs to respect that these are yours. If he doesn’t want to come, then to hell with him. Defriending you on FB is so immature.
Post # 13
ryan007: If their relationship ends over that issue, it is not your fault in any way. She and her FI have cultural differences and will need to resolve that between themselves. Defriending you doesn’t address the problem either, he seems to be blameshifting.
Post # 14
ryan007: Ummm, unless you announced your wedding a month ago, and asked her to be a bm a month ago, and just recently let them know, one month ago, of the logistics surrounding your wedding, then I am in the boat of THEY need to figure it out, and leave you out of it. It was REALLY REALLY nice of you to offer to pay, but assuming you have had your date for time, this – your wedding is NOT new information!
Had she brought up her concerns months and months ago, maybe I would be willing to work with her. She probably has her dress, she would have hopefully booked her flight and hotel room by now as well. The fact that it is an expensive undertaking may be directly correlated to the fact that she/they waited so long to make arrangements?! And now, it is an expensive undertaking you have offered to take on yourself!
Either she needs to go solo, or they need to back out together, which although hard for you read is more understandable than an email stating your wedding nearly broke up their engagement! I would not be offering too much more help per se, but definitely be seeking a yes or no answer so you can carry on with your plans! Seating charts, final counts, programs, and bridal party related items/events!!!
Post # 15
Paying for travel is normal in my culture as well but I wouldn’t expect an Americanized person to do that, nor would I be offended if they didn’t offer. Obviously you can’t be sensitive to all cultures so I think your BM needs to tell her FI that.