(Closed) Help, cold feet…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i think you know the answer to your question – just reread your own post – you would totally know what to say to someone else who wrote this

it might be embarrasing now to bail but think about how much worse it would be a year later after a wedding, debt, possibly more financial ties to each other

getting out now = people forget in 6 months

getting out later = you go through a divorce

p.s. call your mother

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think just because you’re fighting a lot right now doesn’t necessarily mean you should leave.  Only you know how much is reasonable for the two of you.  When my FI and I moved in together (in a very small apartment) we had TONS of petty fights for awhile.  There were certain points in time during this that I wondered if we would have to break up and if we should.  I guess my question is what is at the root of these “petty fights”?  What are you not getting that you need?  It could be anything like space, time to yourself, a boundary observed, sleep.  It could also be more serious like trust, support from your FI.  Same thing goes for him.  What is he missing?  Usually when I look back on these things I find that the cause of that is fear.  Then again maybe you’re just finding out you’re not compatible with your FI.  Maybe look at why you wanted to marry your FI in the first place.  Is that worth giving up because of petty fights?  I’m not necessarily saying you should stay either. I’m just saying take a step back and look at the situation from all angles for a few weeks or a month.  Then make and informed and firm decision.  It’s hard to see whats really going on in the heat of an argument.

Post # 5
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was going to log off and rest my eyes..but sounds like you need advice..which I’m no expert on..so please read cautiously.  I can’t tell you whether or not you have a serious problem because you didn’t go into details about your fights or the problems you are having with your FI..all I can tell you is that when we’re faced with major life changing steps (like marriage, buying a house..etc.), we tend to overanalyze and we stress!  I suggest taking some time to clear your head and destress.  See if getting away from having to make big decisions would help you.  I know I don’t always agree with FI and when we don’t, we walk away and resume with more level-headed discussions later on.  Sometimes it takes us having a breather to truly think things over so that we can be more rational.  I suggest taking some time for yourself and then have a heart to heart discussion with your FI about the fighting and how it is affecting you. 

Post # 7
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way… I know when you’re upset and emotional things can seem so much worse than they are. I have been in this situation before (mostly due to us taking stress from work out on each other) and found that the most  helpful thing to do is to sit down and have an honest chat with my fiance about how i’m feeling & the things that are frustrating me, and be prepared to listen to how he is feeling (and take on board and work on the things that are frustrating him… even though it can be so difficult to hear these things about yourself!)

Post # 8
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I can only imagine what I would feel in your shoes and I would be a mess, so I hope you fare better..If my FI said he hates the sound of my voice because he can’t find something, it would be me leaving and only returning when he actually apologize and make sure he doesn’t say it again.  You should definitely talk to him about that..that’s no way for him to talk to you or anyone for that matter.  I know things can be stressful but it shouldn’t be an excuse to behave badly (I’m assuming that it is not an isolated incident).  Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.  Sometimes it’s good to just let it out so that you can figure things out. =)

Post # 9
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

oh hunny! Been there done that. Believe me, breaking off an engagement is difficult, but people forget. Don’t believe that you’re trapped in a relationship just because you’re engaged. I’m sorry you feel this way and I hope you have a good friend to talk to about this.

Post # 10
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You need to do what is best for you. There will be some embarrassing and difficult moments when after breaking an engagement off but seriously, you can’t stay in a relationship that’s not good for you because other people might ask where your ring is…

I’m not saying you should leave your fiance, I don’t know enough about your situation to give you any concrete advice, but it sounds like you need to take some time out and think things through.

I was in a long relationship (9 years) with a guy who treated me really nicely but over time we fell out of love and deep down I knew I needed to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and for a long time I too felt trapped, confused, desperate. I started questioning myself and what I was doing, throwing away a perfectly good relationship for single life at 28 years old. But the story has a happy ending, we both moved on and I am so much happier now than before.

Listen to yourself and your instincts and you’ll figure this out.

Post # 11
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ the OP…..I think the ladies here have given you some very sound advice. The time right before marriage can be a very happy time for some, but I think the more common reality for many is that it is very stressful. You begin to question EVERYTHING, from the tiny little issues to the big ones. One thing I will say is that if you’re having serious doubts, maybe consider premarital counseling or taking a break from the wedding planning, or even each other.

If you think taking a mini vacay and visiting a friend or relative for a little while (a weekend or a week) might clear your head, then you can’t be afraid to do that. Believe me, if he loves you the way you think he does, he may be sad/mad to see you go, but he will be glad to see you come back. If he doesn’t want you to come back then he’s just made your decision a little easier. The thing about my FI is that no matter how upset I get with him, I always want to go home to him….and the same for him. Now I may not want to be in the same room, but that’s a different story lol.

Also, I don’t know how spiritual you are, but follow your instincts and rely a little on faith here. I believe that God gives us little nudges and He may be pushing you in one direction or another.

Post # 12
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Big old hugs to you.  As other people have noted, transitions such as this can be the cause of insane stress in your life.  Since both you are your FI are going through this process, the stress doubles.

Have you tried couples counseling?  It might bring to light some underlying issues you are having.  It might also help to reaffirm if you are making the right decision. Also check out books such as The Conscious Bride (and Conscious-Transitions.com) and Emotionally Engaged. 

Lastly, as PP have said, you have time and you have a choice. As sucky as the thought of leaving might be, it may be what you need to feel ready to make this decision. It’s OK to postpone things.  It’s OK to call it off (been there).  Do not walk down the aisle feeling like this is not the right decision for you, and this person is not the person you want to spend your life with.  Good luck!

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