Post # 1
Hello, I am 21 years old and have been with my fiance for 2 years. 2 years ago I became a born again Christian and we have both been attending his church with his family for just over a year. His parents have been married for 25 years and are very Christian and religious (which is not a bad thing). My parents (mom and step dad) are not religious. They have both been divorced (my mom divorced my dad due to his drug addiction, and my step dad divorced his first wife because she was a gambler). My parents strongly believe in living together before marriage. Today, they sat me down and gave me a strong talking to about how they will not support our marriage if we do not live together for at least a few months before we get married. Their thoughts are that we might not like each other as much as we say we do, because living with someone is different than dating them. My fiance’s parents have already told us in the past that living together is a NO NO and that they do not believe living in sin is appropriate. My fiance thinks this as well, he has strong views and thinks it’s wrong. I really want my parents blessing, it would mean the world to me to have them approve of my marriage. I’m not sure how I feel about this situation anymore. I understand both sides of the coin. HELP! I’m in a real crisis here and I’m not sure what to do.
Post # 3
The answer is that you need to sit back and think about what YOU think. You have told us FI’s opinion, FIs parents opinion, and your “parents” opinion. Before you can mediate between them all, you need to find YOUR opinion, so that you have a strong base from which to weigh up all the options. Without that, you are destined for confusion!
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I worry about whether getting married now is the right decision if you are not comfortable enough making a decision like this for yourselves without parental support. This decision is between you and your SO. You can consider the opinions of others adn seek their advice and support, but ultimately, if you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to decide whether to live together or not in advance on your own. What do you want and what do you think?
Post # 5
It’s not a matter of picking which parents you want to please. This is honestly very easy:
If you and your fiance want to live together, do that. If you and your fiance want to live seperately, do that. It’s none of your parents business, unless they are financially involved.
Post # 6
Getting married means you are ready to make independent, adult decisoins that can and will be difficult. It also means that you need to own your decision and be prepared to deal with the consquences or aftermath. While I recognize you want both sides to be supportive, the reality is that you cannot please everyone. This is a fairly small subject compared to if/when you have children and each side starts giving their input on how to raise them. What will you do then?
I would suggest, as other PP’s have, that you and your fiance decide what is best for the two of you, independent of what either set of parents believe.
Post # 7
Yikes. Do NOT live together just b/c your parents think you should!
Post # 8
Thank you all for your thoughts. I can see both sides of the coin as I said in my first post. I can see the pros and cons of living together before marriage. If we were to move in together then we would be able to experience the unknown right away before marriage. I told him from the start (and have said this before to my parents about my sister living with guys) I don’t feel it’s right to live with someone before marriage. My conflict is, do I want to get married if my parents don’t approve? My parent’s approval would make me reconsider living with my FI before marriage, because yes I want to have their blessing and that is not immature. I guess I have to sit down with my FI and weigh the pros and cons and try to find some solid ground. I know I cannot please everyone, and I should be only focusing on myself and FI but it’s hard. Ultimately, I want everyone to be happy, but maybe in this case I have to make some exceptions?
Post # 9
I am in agreement with his parents. Living together before married is a huge no no to Christians, right under having premarital sex. Your parents are suggesting that you two play house. Pretend to be married, if you will. Have all the benifits with none of the comittments. Just because couples are starting out their relationships together this way doesn’t make it right. And just because your parents are recommending it, doesn’t make them right. IMO it makes them very very ignorant of a faith based marriage.
Post # 10
You and your fiance need to make the decision that is best for you two, not what anyone else wants you to do or thinks you should do.
Post # 11
I know its been stated already, but have a discussion with your FI to decide what YOU BOTH want. No matter what you choose, one side of the parents will be disappointed, so there does not appear to be a way to navigate around that issue.
In a slightly unrelated note, I am a Christian and I am living 90% of the time with my boyfriend and his family. We share a room and I only go home to my family when I don’t have school and work. I don’t think its wrong for us, because his family lives almost 40 minutes closer to where I go to school and work, so the commute is easier for me. For our relationship, it has been very helpful. We have had more time to otherwise talk and connect, because if I were to still live primarily at home, we would only see each other twice a week like we did when we were in high school.
If you choose to live together, will it make you less of a Christian? Absolutely not. It is really dependent on what works best for yourself and your FI, and your personal relationship with God.
I suggest praying about it. There is no right or wrong answer in this kind of situation; just discuss with your FI and God to figure out what works best for you. All other opinions should be put on the wayside.
Post # 12
Honestly, it seems that the only important view here, right now, is that of your fiance. He does not want to live together before marriage.
Even if you decide you do, what are you gonna do? Force him to live with you? End the relationship because he doesn’t want to?
Your parents need to stay out of it. If they won’t give their blessing because your fiance won’t compromise his beliefs, then so be it. Say “Sorry you feel that way, but it is what it is” and go on with your life.
Post # 13
@FancifulMiss: I am not going to go down this path in terms of an argument, but just for the record, living together before marriage is not “playing house,” pretending be married or having the perks without the commitment. This is just something that gets discussed a lot around here, and sometimes, hurtful/offensive things are said, typically against those that chose to live together before marriage.
I have chose to live with my FI before marriage and I have been 100% committed to him for 9 years, more so than some of my friends who are married. I respect that your view is to not live with someone before marriage, but please, let’s keep comments from offending others 🙂
Post # 14
@bmo88: “hurtful/offensive things are said, typically against those who chose to live together before marriage.” Really?!? FYI the VAST majority of bees live together, or at least sleep together, before marriage. The “waiters” are usually the ones being put on the defensive! In our society, those who don’t live together are usually considered “weird!”
Post # 15
@red_rose: Very few bees will outright say that bees that wait are wrong or living in an unhealthy situation. I have, however, seen some bees openly post about how wrong it is to live together or say things like “playing house” or “why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free.”
I have never posted anything negative about bees who wait to live together, while I personally believe people should live together before marriage, if it works for them.
I was simply asking her not to refer to couples who live together as playing house or anything like that. Plain and simple.
ETA: This is a forum, so you can disagree if you want to. All I am asking is for NEITHER side to cast judgement. Providing suggestions or advice is one thing, but inappropriately “labeling” or “judging” relationships is different.
Post # 16
living together before marriage is religiously ‘bad’ because it leads to premarital sex, but if you’re not a virgin bride I don’t see the big deal! and even if you were, it’s quite possible to abstain even while living together.
but, if both you and FI didn’t want to live together before marriage and it’s only your parents’ pushing it, I would go ahead and trust your gut. it’s unfair of your parents to place their past baggages of divorce on your shoulders and assume your partner is hiding a huge gambling/drug addiction secret which you can only find out from living together…