Help dealing with resentment after termination six years ago.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’d suggest seeing a qualified therapist, both individually and together.  If he isn’t willing to go with you, go by yourself to at least help yourself sort through all the feelings you’re dealing with.  I’ve never been in your position, but it seems like it would be common to have those types of feelings later on, especially since you are still with the guy after all this time.  

Post # 4
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@OPenderghast87:  You need to discuss this, especially before you bring another child into this world because there is so much anger and resentment in your heart still. Your reaction is totally normal. I would be really angry and upset about it too – especially since you have never fully discussed this!

Im a big person for getting it all out on the table and hashing through it. I’m sure he has loads of feelings too and is terrified of opening that can of worms on his emotions as well. 

You say you’re worried about causing a rift, but there is already one there. It may be more invisible now, but it is there nonetheless. I’d rather have a rift that is out in the open that i can see and deal with.

However, to help make sure it doesnt cause a huge blow out and because this is a big issue – one with emotions that have built up over years and will continue to play a part in both your lives for a very long time, i STRONLY suggest couples therapy. It will give you a safe avenue to express your feelings with someone who can help mediate and guide you both through the process. Tell him this is REALLY important to you and that it is something you need. Hopefully, since he cares about you he will respect that need. 

In time, maybe you can both go individually as well as attending as a couple. The only way to heal is to create that safe place for you both to talk and share your feelings. If you don’t learn to handle the difficult discussions now, it will only get harder once you have a child in your family – one I’m sure you’d want to teach to be open and honest and true with his/her emotions. 

*hugs* I’m sorry you had to go through all that. 

Post # 5
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@OPenderghast87:  I don’t mean this to be rude, but if you resented him all this time for not being more encouraging about keeping the baby, why did you stay with him all this time? Also, have you discussed whether he wants children with you at all? If not, I would start there. If his answer is a firm “NO, never!” Then, you’ll know, and I wouldn’t waste any more time with him. I would bring up your feelings of sadness and regret with him too, just ease into the conversation so it won’t cause an argument. Maybe try starting a conversation with him with something like “Hey, honey… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it’s gotten me really upset. I really need for you to be supportive and hear me out before you take offense to anything I’m about to say. I’ve been keeping these thoughts to myself for a long time now, and I just can’t deal with it alone. I know it’s been years since my visit to the clinic, but I’m just so ridden with guilt, and I’m still mourning our loss. Maybe we weren’t ready to be parents then, but I’m ready now. Would you be open to at least giving me a timeline as to when you might be ready too?”

Post # 6
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@OPenderghast87:  counseling hon, go yourself. Sounds like you never truely processed what happened, you’ve been keeping it inside. You were a kid yourself at the time as was he.

 

Post # 7
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@OPenderghast87:  I agree with PPs about getting some counseling.  After 6 years it’s normal to think about your child and what age they would be now, but harboring resentment towards your partner after all of this time isn’t healthy.  You need to find peace with your decision and move on in some fashion and it sounds like you need a neutral third party counselor or therapist to help work through it.

Post # 8
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, I could see why you’d be resentful, although 16 is just so young.  His brain is probably still not fully developed, so he just couldn’t think rationally and be there for you.  What you should consider is that your life would be totally different though, if you had kept that baby.  It wouldn’t be just exactly as it is now, only with a child instead of without one.  It would have been impossible for a 16 year old to support you.  Perhaps he wouldn’t have made it through school and you wouldn’t have gotten the job you have.  You probably would have been stressed and resentful and very likely would have broken up.  So it’s very possible that you would have the child now but not the husband.

You do need to find out definitively whether he wants children.  But there is plenty of time if he’s just not ready.

Post # 9
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@OPenderghast87:  Like PP have said, I would see if you (and your husband) can see a therapist. If you don’t get your feelings out and let him know how you feel, you will end up resenting him and it’ll only fester.

Post # 10
Member
11722 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you need some serious counseling, both individually and couples.  You need to deal with the emotional loss and trauma you suffered, along with your continuing resentment and hurt over his actions and role in the situation.  The longer you wait to begin the therapy, the worse and harder it is going to be, and it will take a toll on your marriage.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 11
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@OPenderghast87:  I would definitely talk to a professional about this.

I have to ask, though.. did you not discuss this with him before you got married? That and having future children?

I think you’re resenting him for a couple of different reasons. First, the abortion (now that you’re ready to have a baby), and secondly, the fact that he doesn’t want a kid yet, but you clearly have “baby fever”. I think you need to try to stop tying the two together, because realistically they’re not the same issue. Take the abortion out of the equation for a minute, and look at the situation for what it is now – a 23 year old guy is not ready to have a kid. That is hardly unique. 23 is VERY young to be married 2+ years, and I know maybe ONE guy who was ready to have a kid at that age.

I understand what the reality is… if it weren’t for the abortion, you would have a 5 year old now. However.. would you still be together? Maybe not. Would life be as it is now? Probably not. It’s so easy to think of the “what ifs” in life, but it’ll just tear you up. 18 and 16 make VERY young parents. You don’t know what life would be like had you kept the baby, and as you yourself pointed out, it wasn’t just his decision.

Like I said, I would suggest therapy to see if it can help you move on, but I would try hard to stop blaming him for the past. Focus on the present, and try to have a talk with him and figure out when he might want to have a baby. I am assuming you discussed whether you want kids or not before you got married, but you need to figure out where his head is now regarding the topic. Don’t forget that he likely has residual guilt from the abortion, and that he’s probably terrified considering a) his age b) the fact that you keep bringing up getting pregnant, and I am sure it bring back not so good memories for him as well.

You can’t change the past.. you need to find a way to move on. I would focus on getting him and you on the same page re: when to start trying for a baby. If he can’t give you any kind of answer, I would consider moving on. I know that kids are a deal breaker… if one party wants them and the other does not, it breeds a LOT of resentment. But do keep in mind his age. At least in my group of friends/acquaintances, most people were still in school at that age. I didn’t even move out until I was 23. It’s not surprising to me at ALL that a 23 year old guy would have reservations about having a baby. He should be mature enough to at least discuss it, though.. especially considering you’ve been married for a while.

Post # 13
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Any chance that your real source of resentment is for yourself? He was 16, you were 18- in Australia that would mean you could be charged for sexual intercourse with a minor. I’m only mentioning that for the fact that it legally shows there is a huge developmental difference between the two. 

You need to take some time to reflect on the anger you hold towards yourself before you blame your husband. This should have all been discussed before getting married. 

Post # 14
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Communication is the key here. You should talk to someone about your feelings about your past. You should also talk to your husband about your feelings now. I would suggest going to counseling – first by yourself and then as a couple. 

Post # 15
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I understand what the reality is… if it weren’t for the abortion, you would have a 5 year old now. However.. would you still be together? Maybe not. Would life be as it is now? Probably not. It’s so easy to think of the “what ifs” in life, but it’ll just tear you up. 18 and 16 make VERY young parents. You don’t know what life would be like had you kept the baby, and as you yourself pointed out, it wasn’t just his decision.

Post # 16
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just wanted to give you a hug. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling and it sounds really hard.

I can identify with resentment. Not for the same reasons but about other things that go on or have happened in my life and it is the hardest thing to let go of! I have a lot of resentment toward my fiance right now about some things and all I can say is that I know resentment is anger that has been stuffed down for a while. So I’m smart enough to know a lot of it isn’t “him”…it’s just his actions brought all these feelings to the surface. I just can’t seem to let it go! We have been seeing a couple’s therapist. I’m grateful for that.

First, I guess I would suggest a counselor. If you can’t afford it, there are plenty of self-help boards about about mental/emoitonal affliction out there. You just Google and you will find them. You can post your feelings there (like here) about your termination specifically and other people that have been through the same thing can offer support.

I would also look up online ways to let go of resentment.

I do know it won’t happen overnight. It’s a process. Your emotions are in layers, so give it time.

 

It sounds like to me he doesn’t know what to do with your feelings. He didn’t go through it, he’s not a woman, etc. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care. I think with some personal inner work, you will see that. I would also behonest with him and say that right now, you are feeling a lot of resentment toward him for the termination. And let him absorb that. Not to punish him, but just so he knows where you are coming from.

Take Care.

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