- 3 years ago
- Wedding: January 2011
A longtime lurker on this site, first post. I would like to start by saying that I am not posting this to spark a debate about abortions or anything of the like. I am in need of some advice or guidance, this is a difficult subject for me, so please, refrain from making nasty or snide comments.
As a bit of background, I went on the BC pill at age 16, switched to the Depo shot shortly before I turned 18, only to find that it messed with my system, so I never went back to get it updated. My doctor at the time told me that it could take anywhere from 6 to 18 months for the medicine to fully get out of my system, but I should use some form of protection if I was going to be sexually active. Being a teenager, I had the mentality “it won’t happen to me,” and my boyfriend at the time was older, and convinced me that all of his “swimmers” were useless from sitting on a radioactive tank that he had to clean at a previous job for several hours at a time.
All that aside, we did not use condoms or anything, and nothing ever happened. Fast forward a year through a breakup and onto a new boyfriend.
I got pregnant at the tail-end of age 18 by my 16-year-old boyfriend. We were not smart at all about using protection (as nothing had ever happened with the last boyfriend, I figured I was good to go. Dumb, I know), and I figured that I probably got pregnant one of the first few times that we had unprotected sex the first week we were dating. When I finally went to a free clinic to get a pregnancy test, it became apparent that my boyfriend was not ready to be a father, as the first words out his mouth were “Did you get an appointment to get it taken care of?” Ouch. Talk of adoption turned into a horrible fight, and in the end I thought there was only one way to deal with the situation and keep him in my life.
I ended up getting an abortion at roughly 11 weeks while my boyfriend was away on a family vacation (my cousin ended up going with me to the appointment). We didn’t talk about it until about three years later, when I cried about it to him when I was drunk.
Now three years after that drunken night, I’m 25, he’s 23. We’ve been married for two and a half years, and I’m ready to have a baby. He still isn’t. Even though I love him, I am harboring serious resentment towards him whenever I mention having a baby, about once a month, and he pretends he doesn’t hear me. I just want to scream at him so bad that I could have a five-year old kid right now, if I hadn’t let him convince me that termination was the right thing to do. I just want to yell at him all of the nasty comments I have held in all of these years. I want to talk to him about what happened, and he doesn’t want anything to do with the conversation.
I am at a loss as to what to do here. Not so much on the having a baby part, but on the how to deal with my anger at my husband for what he said and how he acted as a scared teenager. Do I really tell him how I feel, and risk creating a big rift in our marriage and relationship? Do I just wait until he’s ready to talk about not only the abortion but children as well, or hope he will be someday? I guess basically, how do I deal with these pent-up emotions and feelings I have.
I would like to note that even though he was completely for me not having a baby at the time, it was still my decision in the end. I chose to go to the clinic that day, and that is a decision that I live with. There really is no one else to discuss my feelings on this with, as I didn’t publicize what happened, and aside from my husband and cousin, only one other person knows that I was even pregnant.
Sorry for the length. I wanted to try to include as much information as possible. Thank you for any thoughts you have on this matter.