Post # 1
My Fiance and I have had a trip to Europe planned for next summer. We’ve had this trip planned for a long time. A few of my family members including my mom and step dad are also going. My fiance and I have decided that getting married in Paris during our trip would be our dream come true. We will come back and have a full blown reception like a traditional wedding.
My mother is HEARTBROKEN. She is completely utterly CRUSHED. She cannot fathom why I wouldn’t want all of my immediate family at my ceremony. I would love them to be there but I don’t care if they are not. I dont expect my brother with two babies to fly to Paris… its really only about my fiance and I. My mother doesn’t feel the same…
She literally through everything she’s done for me in my face.. “i’ve done this this and this for you and you can’t do this ONE thing for me?!” ONE THING? it’s MY WEDDING! It’s 15 minutes of a ceremony that she will be there for. We’ll have a shower, wedding reception, everything other than the ceremony will be traditional. She can’t believe how selfish I am especially knowing this would hurt her. She’s literally heartbroken, cried about this and is completely disappointed in me.
Its been two weeks and we’ve barely spoken. I can’t send her wedding plans for Paris or share anything about my wedding planning with her. I don’t know how to get through the next year. My mom is my best friend… we’d talk at least every other day. I am worried this will change the dynamic of our relationship forever.
I could give in and just have the traditional wedding she wants and make her happy but that wedding just doesn’t excite me nearly as much as Paris. I studied French and lived in France in college. It’s a huge passion of mine. Plus I love the intimacy i’ll get with my fiance.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my mom? I don’t want to lose our closeness. I also feel like she’ll throw this in my face the rest of my life.
Do I sacrafice my wedding for hers? She claims I’ll regret doing it in Paris and yet I feel i’ll regret not doing it… Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
@Hoot_owl: SHE is the one jeopardizing your closeness, not you. She is 110% out of line. Your wedding=your dream, not hers. Stand your ground on this one or you might has well hand over planning the entire thing to her. If you give in, she’ll learn that all she has to do is cry and act like a teenager to get her way.
Post # 4
Your mom will eventually come around. She’s probably so upset because she had a certain vision in mind for years and all of a sudden, it’s completely gone. You get one chance to have this wedding with your FI. Half the time people consider vow renewals is because they were disappointed with their wedding.
If this is the dream of yours and your Fi’s, go for it.
Post # 6
@badabing88: Thank you. You are entirely right. She is the one coming between us…
I guess I’m strugging with deaing with the guilt I have and the guilt I’ll probably have over the next year…
Post # 7
@Hoot_owl: You have *nothing* to feel guilty about. That’s how she wants you to feel because that makes you more likely to give in out of some sense of obligation.
We are doing a semi-DW in Florida at the beach and my mother has been raising hell about the very few details she’s been privy to, and she loves to lay the guilt on. Trying to make me feel bad SHE won’t be walking me down the aisle instead of the groom, trying to make me feel bad she isnt getting a speaking part, and on and on and on. So I get it, I really do.
Post # 8
“Do I sacrafice my wedding for hers?” +1000
You already know it would be a sacrifice – and you already know it would not be your wedding.
Let her sulk for a few more days – and then its time for some tough love.
“Mom, we need to talk. This is crazy. I love you – but this is something I want.”
Post # 9
Funny you say your mom wants to walk down the aisle and speak. My mom is ordained and wants to pronounce us! Hello? what happened to enjoying being the “mother of the bride.” Since when is there another role???
Thank you for your perspective. I’m glad I’m not the only one dealing with this…
Post # 10
Don’t give in. You have the wedding YOU want.. it’s YOUR day!
My mum tried the whole persuading me to have somethign here in the UK or to put our DW off by a year so she could go etc…. She failed to see the reason why we are having it the end of this year and not next is so we can start TTC. And the reason why we were having a DW was becuase we can’t afford one at home… and we’d always talked about getting married on a beach, so that’s what we were going to do! We fell out but I stuck to my guns. She came round in the end.
And I then told all my family that no one is coming! It’s just me and the FI! BLISS!
It will work out. Give her time to cool down… and get her head around things. And do not feel guilty. IT. IS. YOUR. DAY! 🙂
Post # 11
@Hoot_owl: My mom was almost the same way when I said I wanted to have a destination wedding. She didnt like the idea at all and wanted me to have a big wedding. If she wasnt willing to contribute to a big wedding then it was not happening and its not what me and my husband wanted at all. We had an at home family dinner and ceremony and our big wedding was in Cuba. She eventually came around and realized it was my wedding and it was not going to go her way
Post # 12
Your mother is being WAY over-dramatic. You have the right to get married however you want.
I would just call/email her and say, “Mom, this isn’t changing so please get over it. I really want and need your help planning the at-home festivities but if you don’t want to be involved, I understand.” Proceed with your plans with or without her.
She may get way-more-than-you-want involved in your at-home reception, but it is probably a good compromise.
However she reacts, don’t let it ruin your plans. I have a funny feeling she will come around quickly, once she realizes how “real wedding” your other events are going to be.
Post # 13
I’ll be honest — if you’re having showers and stuff at home you need to invite those people to your wedding.
BUT if you forego those things and have the ceremony where you want it, that makes sense to me. Your mom will get over it.
I guess I’ve heard a lot about the logistical issues of planning a wedding so far away, so it doesn’t sound so romantic to me (or anything like “just” 15 minutes of your life!), and it’s either no big deal or it IS important to you, I’m not sure you can have it both ways.
Either way, whatever you decide to do, it’s on your mom not to make it about her.
Post # 14
@Hoot_owl: We dealt with the same issues with FI’s mom, except that she refuses to travel to Mexico to be a part of it (but has no problem driving their 5th wheel to canada & alaska), and then complains that we are excluding her. We finally had to speak with her & it turns out she just wanted us to acknowledge her feelings, nothing else. Instead of hearing her out, and trying to offer solutions, she just wanted a pity party & us to pat her on the back & say, “sorry you feel that way, poor you, it’s so sad” After we did that, we were able to move on & past it. NOt sure if that would help with your mom or not. I always try to fix things & make them better so I figure if you’re complaining to me about it you want something done….Apparently not…..
Post # 15
I guess I’m in the minority here, but I am with your mom. For me (and apparently for your mom) weddings are about bringing together those who’ve supported you most as you create a new family.
Post # 16
It’s fair for your Mom to be disappointed but it’s very unfair of her to make you feel this way. It’s your wedding and if France is a meaningful place to you and your FI then that’s where you should be married.
I agree with BeckyS0. Maybe your Mom needs a bit of “poor Mom, this isn’t want you wanted for me or the family. I’m sorry you’re disappointed and that we don’t want the same thing.”
If she doesn’t respond to a little pity party, maybe she doesn’t realise how much it’s something that you want. Have you only been rational (or angry) with her?
If she needs to get all emotional to show you how strongly she feels, maybe she just needs to see you having a bit of a cry about how disappointed you’re feeling, too. It’s a strange way to go about it but it’d work with my Mom (who is emotionally quite immature but very kind and generous – seeing that I was also upset would help her think about it more sensibly).