- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I haven’t been here for a couple of weeks because my FI and I postponed our wedding for financial reasons and I wanted to keep my mind off it.. but that’s not what this post is about. I come to you, because I have no one else to talk to and hope some bees can give me some advice/perspektive on this issue:
Basically, I’m depressed and my FI doesn’t think I should go to therapy and makes me feel bad about it.
The long version: I moved countries to be with him last summer, I thought I had a job, we would save up more money and get married this year. Needless to say, that didn’t work out. They company I interviewed for and that guaranteed me a position changed their mind after I got here, we had to live with his parents for months and postpone the wedding. So far, so good, we came through and found our own place for a ridiculously small amount of money, came to terms with telling all of our family not to hold their breath for us to get married. But I still can’t find a job.
Now, I’ve had a pretty bad history with depression and anxiety and my FI knew and experienced that from the start, and he also had kind of the same issues, so I thought I’d found someone who understood me. He’s very support in every other way, he doesn’t want me to feel pressured to find a job because he knows the economy here sucks right now, he still helps out with the chores even when he’s worked all day.. and I sit here and feel SO unhappy. And then I feel terribly guilty for not being happy, I feel guilty for not contributing to our expenses, I feel guilty towards his parents who keep asking whether I’ve found a job yet. And I feel guilty that I feel alone, because he’s generally amazing and we are best friends, but I miss having a girlfriend in my life, I’m a girly girl and I miss it.
I don’t have any hobbies here because they are really expensive in this country, nothing extravagant, I like sewing and crafting but I can’t even get a yard of fabric here for less than 30€, there’s not even a craft store.. I just feel so worthless. I get no sense of accomplishment in my everyday life. I tried to become a homemaker and have weekly mealplans and a cleaning schedule and whatnot, but that doesn’t make me happy. Even things I used to enjoy don’t really make me happy anymore.
TMI – my sex drive is basically non-existant. I used to want it almost every day, sometimes twice a day, and now I just don’t feel it anymore. It’s not that he’s not attractive to me or I want someone else, I just don’t feel good during any kind of sexual/flirty activity. And when it does happen, he’ll say something like “You never give me bj’s anymore.” and it just completely kills the mood for me.
I’ve tried talking to him about it a lot. I’ve tried explaining it as calm as possible, but now it’s more like I’ll randomly start crying and can’t stop and obviously he asks me what’s wrong and I have nothing new to say. I just feel unhappy, I feel like I don’t belong here and I don’t have a life outside these four walls. And he’ll start saying he wants to make me happy and does everything to make me happy, and I try to tell him that it’s not his fault, that I’m happy with the relationship, I just miss having a life outside of it and I feel depressed. Then he’ll tell me that depression is all in ones head and that I just need to stop those thoughts and will myself to be happy. Because if I’d really want to be happy, I would be, and if I don’t change, I obviously want to be miserable for the rest of my life. He says therapy didn’t work for him or his sister so they worked through their troubles on their own and it just makes me feel like I’m a bad/stupid person for wanting professional help.
I really don’t want to be miserable. I really want to be happy, and if I didn’t I wouldn’t have packed up half my life and moved to a foreign country for him. It’s just hard. I don’t know how to go on, I don’t even know how to get myself out of bed every morning.. I really want to make this relationship work, but I just feel like he doesn’t support me emotionally at all.
Am I making too big a deal out of this? Should I really just suck it up? I feel like I can’t be strong anymore.