Help – does it matter what your SO did back when you were just dating?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, since you ASSUMED he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and it was not discussed, no you cannot be mad. Especially so long later. Do you really think that because he kissed someone while you had barely known eachother and weren’t exclusive that that automatically makes him someone that has been unfaithful? My DH and I both were dating around when we met, we both went on dates with other people after our first date. After we figured out we wanted to be exclusive, then we were. I think that’s pretty normal. It’s unrealistic to expect that because someone met and likes you that they automatically drop everything else in their life assuming you’ll be together forever.

Post # 4
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I think if it was before there was any official relationship then you have no right to be upset. He shouldn’t have even said anything, because it is a non-issue to your current relationship, and you would have been much happier not knowing.

Post # 5
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@brooklynbutterfly:  That would bother me as well.  It’s up to you if this is something that you can get past and move on, or if it is a dealbreaker for you.

Post # 6
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, but I do think you’re over reacting a bit.

Your SO shouldn’t have told you about this now; it’s in the past. But if he hadn’t told you, it’s not a secret exactly, just something that’s none of your business, really. You hadn’t talked about being exclusive, he wasn’t obligated to be so. The fact that he decided to tell you means a part of him felt like he was anyways, so it was a secret, is sweet, but not logical.

And the fact is, he chose you, you won, so be happy 🙂

This is coming from a girl who was seeing another guy while dating my now-FI. He was just a way to pass the time. My FI knows this, but not explicit details, but he doesn’t care, because he won. And I know my now-FI wasn’t seeing anyone else, but it would have been fine if he had been. The day after we were first intimate I called him to ask if he wanted to be exclusive, and he said yes, and we’ve been committed ever since 🙂

Post # 7
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@brooklynbutterfly:  You stated you weren’t officially together until after he got back right? I am not going to say yes you should be mad, or no you should not be, because who I am to tell you how to feel? What I will say though, is if it was me, and I was getting to know someone, only 10 days in and a few dates later he kissed someone else, I would not be upset later down the road. From what it sounds like, your relationship wasn’t all that progressed. Plus you never discussed being exclusive.

Post # 8
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsJ2theZ:  My DH and I both were dating around when we met, we both went on dates with other people after our first date.

This has always seemed so strange to me, the whole concept of dating several people at the same time. It’s one of the huge cultural differences between the US and the UK… doing something like that over here is pretty unheard of.
 
So basically, I’d say, if OP is American, her SO kissing someone else after they met probably is in line with the dating culture. If OP is British, I can see why she would have a problem with it.

Post # 9
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@brooklynbutterfly:  ….I think there’s a scale of things I would care about Mr. 99 having done while we were dating:

1 = Double Parking

5 = Kissing Another Girl

10 = Robbing a 7-11

…so for this instance, it rates a 5…it sucks, but who cares?  He’s with you now and you admit you weren’t officially official…so its a wash either way.

Post # 10
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

it wouldn’t bother me. you were just dating, you weren’t official. and even after kissing another girl, he wanted to commit to you. and he did and has been great since. i think it would be a shame to throw away a good thing over something so trivial.

Post # 11
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I understand it still hurts, but I don’t think you can hold this against him.

You were not “official” and therefore he was pretty much free to do whatever with whoever. Obviously the kiss didn’t mean anything to him otherwise y’all probably wouldn’t have made it official so quickly after he got back. I think we all want to believe that after our SOs meet us, they couldn’t fathom being with anyone else, but that’s not necessarily the case.

He’s been carrying this with him for a while now, and obviously felt that not keeping secrets from you was worth more than the bad reaction you’d probably have. I think you need to try to get over this if you truly love this man. 

Post # 12
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@brooklynbutterfly:  I think him telling you was a nice gesture on his part to wipe the slate clean and put everything in the open before moving on towards your future together. As you said yourself, you guys weren’t official yet and that expectation wasn’t there.

I was with other people during the very early days of my relationship with my FI, he doesn’t really care and I don’t feel any guilt about it. I didn’t even have my future FI in my mind when I was with the other people, and it never crossed my mind that I was doing something that could hurt him. Our relationship really was that young (it sounds yours was, too) and it took us some time for those deeper feelings and the desire for commitment with each other to develop. 

PS Welcome to the Bee 🙂

Post # 13
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It was stupid, IMO to unload this all on you.  It’s called dating, and you two were not exclusive, nor was it ever understood that you were.  Of course you can feel disappointed that things weren’t quite the way you imagined them to be. There is such a thing as being too honest, and that’s probably a conversation I would have had  with him.  Ultimately, he picked you, so if you like the guy, I would certainly give it a chance and consider this to be a new beginning.

Post # 14
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MaryKay14:  ok, I’m glad it’s not just me!

OP – I think this is a head vs heart thing. Would it bother me if I found out the same thing? Absolutely, yes. Would I be reasonably, intellectually, justified in that feeling. No, not really. 

whilst it’s hard – your best bet is to probably just try to forget it, with time you’ll think of it less. 

Post # 15
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m with everyone else who says that because you weren’t official, you cannot hold this against him.     You can be a little bit hurt for your past self, but I think your present self needs to let this go (and apologize for anything hurtful you recently said to HIM).  

Post # 16
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @brooklynbutterfly:  As this is your DEBUT Post… a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

I am sorry that this happened, it obviously bothers you.

BUT the truth is… you weren’t exclusive then.  Until a couple has “the talk” and therefore BOTH know what is going on… things cannot be assumed that two people are indeed “on the same page” in a relationship

When it comes to Relationships, I think many of us have learned over time that NOTHING can be taken for granted.  People need to communicate openly.

I am sorry you are facing this now as your Relationship becomes more serious

BUT I think it is admirable that he decided to confess… because he truly didn’t have to.

It shows me that he wants to go forward into Marriage with a clean slate.

At this point in time, I know it is going to be hard… but you really need to put this behind you… and forget it.

It happened BEFORE you guys were serious / exclusive.  Which makes it part of HIS Past, and not the one you two had essentially together

I am a big proponent of relationships that are in the past (we all have pasts) need to stay there, they shouldn’t be carried over or impact in a current relationship

(Well within reason, of course when someone is Divorced / an Encore and there are kids involved, that is a whole other ball of wax… and something that needs to be out in the open right from the get go)

Look at it this way…

It was a kiss in his past.  Now he is looking to Marry to you.  Engagement & Marriage far outweigh some kiss that happened back before you guys were a true couple.  Period.

You need to let this go.

Jealousy is an ugly thing… and it can destroy an otherwise good relationship… you don’t want to go there !!

 

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