Post # 1
My Fiance and I have been engaged for 3 months. We are the type of people who are incredibly considerate about others and never want to put anyone out. With that said, we decided to throw our own engagement party. We are having it catered and we are providing beer from our favorite local brewer. It is a very casual affair this June. We have implied that this is a no gifts party, only a celebration of our recent engagment. We have also invited several people, some who will not be invited to our wedding. We didnt see this as a problem since this was a no gifts party and we are providing great food and alcohol and that it is a party we are hosting ourselves.
After searching the internet for some party ideas, I have stumbled upon engagment party etiquette and I feel terrible! Apparently you are not supposed to throw your own engagment party. We just thought it would be fun and wanted to have this. Neither of our families live close and we are not having any showers. We had no idea someone was supposed to host the party for you. I find that to be weird and just another expense out of someone elses pocket. Well anyways, i guess i am going against etiquette. And it is also apparently rude to mention “no gifts” on the invites. We sent out interactive Evites and I also mentioned on our wedding website that this was a no gifts celebration and everyone is invited and welcome to bring whomever they like. Just lots of great food and alcohol. Now I am a bit horiified after reading other posts that this was a no-no. I was very excited and was looking forward to getting together with the people that have given us both memories as individuals and as a couple. Even our apartment locater was invited because he found us our last 4 homes and we have laways had so much fun with him. I hope I didn;t offend any of the guests that we invited.
Does anyone have any feed back. Also, I really hope no one brings gifts, I would feel embarrassed. We are registered for our wedding, but not our engagment party. I am not even expecting gifts from our wedding guests in November. We are inviting 100 guests to our wedding and I would not be one bit offended if no one purchased a gift for us. That would not be the point of our wedding.
Would love advice and feedback.
Post # 3
Personally I wouldn’t be offended by a couple throwing an engagment party or a statement of no gifts. I think that the world of wedding etiquette is in a stage of evolution where it’s hard to know what exactly is and isn’t right in some cases.
Post # 4
I think so long as you’ve not asked for gifts it’s really not a big deal. Etiquette suggests that you don’t throw a party for yourself because it will come off as gift grabby, but if you’re not expecting gifts people really can’t complain. Enjoy the party!
Post # 5
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you throwing your own party since you’re telling people not to bring gifts…but I do think there is an expectation that if you’re invited to any of the celebrations leading up to the wedding, you’re invited to the wedding. I’d rethink the invites if they haven’t been formally invited! They could come to you quesitoning why they don’t get a wedding invitation down the road.
Post # 6
listen! I sometimes hate etiquette and advice seen on the internet. I mean, who makes these rules?
this is your engagement, if you want to throw a party to celebrate – DO IT! If people think its tacky, they dont have to come. If people want to bring you gifts, accept them and be thankful – not embarassed (just please write a thank you)
as far as not inviting some of these people to the wedding, that…i would reconsider. Perhaps have a smaller engagement party so you could invite them all to the wedding. like bee above me mentioned, they might wonder WTF?
there is going to come a point in your wedding planning when you have to STOP worrying about everyone else and have yourself a good time and do what you and your fiance want. this is your day…your engagement! You celebrate and enjoy it the way you want.
if people dont like it…OH WELL!
Post # 7
We’re throwing our own engagement party because we wanted one and our parents weren’t willing to throw it for us. Problem is that they keep inviting people who won’t be invited to the wedding! In light of this we’ve decided that only people who receive formal invites from us will be invited to the wedding, as we can’t possibly keep track of the thousands of times my mom has said “You guys should come to my daughter’s engagement thing!” despite being repeatedly asked not to.
The thing about telling people not to bring gifts isn’t a big deal IMO because I don’t think everyone is familiar with engagement parties and may not know already. As long as you keep the event casual you should be ok being loose with etiquette. At least I hope so because that’s what I’m doing!
Post # 8
This sounds more like a party with the engagement as the excuse than an engagement party. I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with it – you aren’t fishing for gifts, you just want to have a big party with friends/family and you tempered expectations of being invited to the wedding by telling people they could bring other people. I can’t imagine someone seeing an invite where it says bring your friends and assuming that their friends would then be invited to that person’s wedding.
I’ve been to a party like this, it was fun, and no one I talked to thought it was an etiquette issue. I was also not invited to that wedding – but I never expected to be.
Post # 9
An engagement party is not a traditional gift giving event. So it is ok for you to throw your own.
The only etiquette violation I see is requesting no gifts. I do not like requesting no gifts, because it gives the impression that otherwise they were required, but that you let them off the hook with your request.
I can see that this was not your intent, and I think on the scale of potential etiqutte violations it’s pretty low.
Post # 10
@tashleyd: I totally agree! “Etiquette” is really just about being considerate to others, not slavishly following rules which sometimes have nothing to do with your situation. I think throwing your own party, in conjunction with making it clear no gifts are expected, is totally fine, but you really might hurt people’s feelings by inviting them to the engagement party and not the wedding…. But, if you’re worried about your guest list for the wedding, about 15-20% usually decline anyway, so you might have more room if you hadn’t calculated for that? good luck!
Post # 11
We’ll probably throw our own engagement party because its going to be hard to get all our friends in one place with our family due to geographic issues. If the rents wanna do it, fine, but I like the idea of planning it myself and just having people around to celebrate.
Post # 12
Emily Post said not to do it, right? I know that is her stance but here is the thing, she is dead and her “etiquette” (a.k.a rules of upper white class snobbery) should die with her.
Nothing wrong with wanting to throw yourself a party to celebrate your engagment, most likely ppl will bring gifts. My grandparents’ anniversary party we said no gifts…they got more than they did at their wedding. But who cares, you said no gifts, this is a party and if someone attends they are their to celebrate with you.