- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
Since my Canadian common-law husband and I decided to start planning our wedding, I have been dealing with an enormous amount of drama and we’re still in the beginning stages of planning. Our families are driving us up the wall with this wedding and if weren’t for the fact that we’ve been told that our parents wouldn’t accept our union if we eloped, I’d consider it in a heartbeat! Here’s some background information:
I am a US citizen who has been living in Canada for a few years where I met my Canadian common-law husband (I’ll use the abbreviation CLH). To the Canadian government we are married but to the US, we’re just a boyfriend and a girlfriend who are living together. My family is in the NJ/PA area (with my older sister living in FL). His family is from Alberta, Canada (where we are living now). My family is quite small compared to his family which has 32 cousins on his mom’s side and another 30 on his father’s (note, this is not including his step-parents’ whose families he’s also close with). I am going to be heading back to the US soon as my Visa is almost up. So immigration is also a drama but I won’t bore everyone with that drama (getting married does not mean you get automatic citizenship and are able to stay).
Due to a few of the issues below and one extra that has come up, we have decided to have a destination wedding.
So here are my family dramas which if anyone has any ideas to settle some of these, I’m all ears:
1.) His mom is cheap. I don’t mean cheap in the case of I want a $5000 dress and she thinks it’s too much. I mean she thinks that the idea of having our wedding at an all-inclusive resort is a waste of money. I do agree, it’s expensive and we don’t expect it to be cheap, however, her idea of us getting married is getting a justice of the peace at the house, him wearing a nice shirt and pants, I wear my best dress (or go to Wal-Mart to buy one), and having a backyard BBQ tomorrow. As for my parents being there, she believes too bad so sad if they can’t make it tomorrow, they’re from a richer area in NJ, they should have the money to go at the drop of a hat (that’s not the case). Her second wedding only cost her $1000 ten years ago and she believes that we should be able to do the same. Please also note that she used two years’ worth of Wal-Mart points she got on her Wal-Mart credit card and Wal-Mart gift cards to pay for her entire wedding and her venue was at a funeral home which her friend owned (not exactly my style, thank you very much). This is also why we’re giving everyone at least a year and a half to save up. She has told me that I should just go to Wal-Mart for a nice dress to wear in place of a wedding gown. I haven’t gone looking for my dress yet and right now, I don’t want to bring her, however, if I don’t bring her but I bring my CLH’s step-mother (I promised that she could help me) and my mother, I can see a lot of hurt and future issues coming from that.
2.) My mother is a jealous woman. She would deny it if anyone said she was but take my word for it and accept that she is. I have been lucky enough not to get the brunt of her jealousy but my other two sisters have been. If my older sister spends one extra day with her in-laws when she comes up from FL or if my younger sister eats dinner at her bf’s more than three days in a week, she starts crying to our relatives and me saying how my sisters “love their in-laws more than they love her.” She expects us to get married in NJ. My CLH doesn’t want to and he would prefer Alberta because his family is about fifteen times bigger than mine. She cried but told me she was okay with us having our wedding in Alberta but I know she’s not and the minute we announce it will take place in Alberta, she’ll be running to everyone saying how I love my in-laws more than her. So that’s why we’ve settled on a destination wedding which she sounds happier about as now everyone has to travel.
3.) When my CLH and I announced that we’re going to have a destination wedding to our siblings, his two brothers and my older sister began telling us where we are to have our wedding (not in joking manners) as well as adding to our wedding party:
a.) My older sister is expecting me to go with a certain cruise line to have our wedding with as her husband is a big shot in one of the main cruise lines. She began telling us how he can “get us discounts” and that also means that her 10 kids (yes, I said 10) will have day care for the 5 who will not be in my wedding so she won’t have to watch her kids during the ceremony, which is appreciated. She has been telling us what ports have the best places for weddings, what’s included, etc. My issues with this are that I have read reviews on cruise weddings from this cruise line and I’m hesitant. Sure, I may get VIP treatment but I’m still not sure if that’s what I want. Times, when did I say that I was including five? I did tell her I would like her older daughter as a junior bridesmaid as she is my god-daughter and she and I are very close, emailing each other daily but I haven’t officially asked her and she hasn’t said anything to my niece to my knowledge. The other kids…well, they’re trouble (I mean two 10 year old boys who are trouble makers, their spoiled sister, and I’m not sure who she meant the other would be).
b.) My CLH’s brother, we’ll call him Carl, keeps saying “so you are getting married at Disney World, right? You know my girlfriend loves that place and so will the new baby!” His girlfriend is pregnant and I understand that there will be a little one most likely in tow, however, why do we have to get married in Disney just because his girlfriend loves it? I wish I could say he was joking however, when I priced it out, we’d need more than $20,000 to get married in Disney World! Although it would be a cool experience and it would be enjoyable for the adults and kids, I could make a nice wedding for a fraction of the price in another state and still be able to call it a destination wedding. Carl is also insisting we have our wedding at a kid friendly place. I understand the desire for this, however, a 15 month old baby isn’t going to be able to go into a kiddy pool or do anything anyway so what’s the difference whether we have a child friendly resort or not for them (I know my sister would love it but she also has in-laws the kids could stay with).
c.) My CLH’s brother, we’ll call him Ken, keeps trying to make our wedding about him and what he wants. My CLH and I are not party people, we’re quiet, and we’re happiest in a more romantic setting. Ken keeps whining that we’re not taking his venues seriously (we’re not) because he and his girlfriend don’t want to be stuck in a place where there’s nothing to do but “stay in their rooms doing the horizontal mambo” since he can do that at home. Ken wants a place where he can go to casinos, go clubbing, listen to loud music that he can hear from his room until 3AM, party until he’s sick, and do things which I won’t mention on this board. So in short, he wants us to find a drunken frat party at a resort (not happening). When we told him no, he threw a fit and is now in my face about how I am purposely out to make sure that he doesn’t have any fun when we have our wedding since Mom’s requiring him to go regardless of whether he wants to or not (and whether she agrees with the destination wedding or not). When we stated what resorts we were looking at, he proceeded to make 7 day itineraries as to what EVERYONE, including me, my CLH, my parents, sister, and my young nieces and nephews were going to do and half of it wasn’t even possible to do for everyone (like saying everyone, regardless of age, had to do snorkeling and the wedding would take place on full day 1 which is not possible in any place of the Caribbean). Every time I bring this up to my FMIL, she keeps telling me to take his unrealistic itinerary into consideration or consider accommodating him in terms of venue which as is, I’ve done nothing but give up what I want and now, I’m settling to make a 29-year-old spoiled brat happy. I just want to know when did the wedding between me and his brother turn into the Ken Show?
I’m sorry if I sound like a bridezilla, and please tell me if I am, but I’m sick of settling and giving up what I want to stop battles and to please everyone. Since I was little, all I wanted as a traditional wedding, wearing a nice white semi-formal wedding gown (not one of those super expensive gowns), in a church (not even a fancy one), purple bridesmaids gowns, groom and groomsmen in tuxes, a reception with half decent food, and all of my friends & family dancing and smiling, like my older sister’s. My older sister pulled off her 150 guest wedding for $5K fifteen years ago with a some hard work but people still talk about how much fun it was, regardless of the fact that she had only candles as a centerpiece.
I’m compromising with everything. I’m not getting my church wedding. I’m not getting all of my friends and family at my wedding. I’m not getting the groomsmen in tuxes. Heck, I’m not even getting the wedding dress type I wanted (I don’t think a semi-formal gown is going to be appropriate for a wedding that the groom is wearing a white shirt and khakis, at least that’s what my CLH has told me he intends to wear no matter what). I am getting nothing I wanted and I’ve only started my wedding planning. The more I try to plan, the more people open their mouths, and the more I don’t want to plan it. I understand that I cannot please everyone but when it start fights with people taking sides and I’m looking like the supposed bridezilla, I just want to cry. What do I do and how do I find the strength to keep planning with all of these issues with people?