Post # 1
SO and I are soon to be engaged and I can’t wait to marry him. Marriage is very important to me as a symbol of commitment and union.
Both our parents are divorced. Neither of them had an engagement ring or a wedding – both sets of parents just had a quick ceremony. SO’s parents didn’t even wear wedding rings. None of our parents value weddings at all, and this upsets me. They didn’t have them, and they disapprove of the fact that we want one.
My dad told me he will not give us any money for the wedding. My mother told me off for wanting an engagement ring and said I was being selfish. “You don’t need a ring!” she says, and she actually laughed at me, like I was being completely ridiculous. She seems oblivious to the fact that I haven’t plucked this idea out of nowhere, millions of women are given engagement rings as a traditional symbol of the promise of marriage.
SO’s parents upset me even more. His dad was absolutely aghast when he talked to him about his plans to propose soon. He thinks a wedding is a total waste of money, can’t understand why we want one, and said “why do you even need to get married? No-one gets married any more!” He and his new partner have never married because they think it is ‘bourgeois.’ SO’s mother has told me many times that weddings are “vile,” “ghastly” and “insane.” She also came out with this killer line: “anyone who has a wedding is a complete and utter narcissist.”
It’s not that they don’t approve of our relationship, it’s the whole concept of a wedding which they dislike. We’ll be paying for it ourselves (obviously!) and can ultimately do what we like, but I’m sad because I love them all and want them to participate in the wedding, and at least appreciate that it’s an important event. I don’t want them to think I’m a narcissist! I think getting married and having a wedding is really quite normal!
Is anyone else in a similar situation? How have you handled it?
Post # 3
Wow. You know, I tend to agree that no one NEEDS a ring, or a wedding, or marriage – but I really want them all! I have not been in your situation exactly (my parents and his were delighted with our wedding plans) but it took me several months to admit to myself after we got engaged that I wanted the whole shebang and not the courthouse. I felt ridiculous – I felt I would be a “complete and utter narcissist” – but as soon as we decided not to have a wedding, I realized how much I wanted one. And now we are! So, I think it’s not about whether or not it’s normal to have a wedding, but I think it’s about what you want – and I think it’s awesome that you know what you want! 🙂
As non-traditionalists, I wonder if your parents and fiance’s parents are making the assumption that you guys want a wedding because you want to follow the crowd? I wonder if one way to win them over would be to get them to see that you are getting married/having a wedding because you want to, not because it is the norm.
At least your in-laws should get along!
Post # 4
Wow those are some pretty strong words! I kinda know how you feel though, my dad’s a bit the same. He’s had 2 weddings, one was in my mum’s parent’s backyard (VERY low key!) and the other was a registry office wedding – which he didn’t feel the need to invite anyone (including me) to. He’s also told me that wedding’s are a big fat waste of time and money, and why do we need to have a big wedding when we can just get married at a registry office just like him. He never asks me anything about the wedding and I really don’t think he cares about it at all. Some people just don’t get that just cos they feel so strongly about something doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same.
Post # 5
I think both sets of parents sound bitter and jealous, but that is just me. 😉
Put on the wedding! My Fiance is SO excited about the wedding and everything we are working hard to accomplish. One night when I was stressed out about it, I asked him why we were even having a wedding. He looked at me and said “Because you deserve one day where everyone focuses on how wonderful you are. Then maybe they’d understand a little how I feel about you.” Awww…then he said “That and I needed an excuse to buy a tux!” That’s my man.
I honestly never thought I would have a wedding since they seemed lavish to me. Now that I am planning though, I’ve found an outlet to let my creativity soar and am having a blast (most days). Don’t let the naysayers get you down. If they make rude comments, just say “So what if I’m being silly? I work hard for my money like you and I can spend it how I want. I don’t appreciate your comments trying to make me feel bad, so please keep them to yourself because I’m not interested.” I actually had to tell my mom once that if I wanted her opinion I would ask for it because she was DRIVING ME CRAZY with her negative comments: “Oh hun, you bought your dress a year ago and it looks like you’ve gained weight. Cut those calories!” EXCUSE ME?! Oh and my favorite after I was venting the Fiance was sick and driving me crazy “You know, I don’t think you should get married after all. He seems like he treats you terribly making you wait on him hand and foot. He sounds narcissistic and chauvinistic.” Oh and of course she told my Fiance “I don’t know why you are marrying her. She has a bad attitude and honestly in looks department, you could do so much better.” Seriously I know my mom loves me and doesn’t think these horrible things, she’s just one of those people that when she gets stressed out she rains on other people’s parades!
So, we all have family drama when it comes to weddings. You are not alone and we are here to help! Stay strong girl and put on a fabulous wedding!
Post # 6
Geez, I’ve never heard this before. And from both sides! I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you had hoped for.
The ladies on the Bee are wonderful and will give you the support you need during the process of planning your special wedding. You deserve a day that makes you happy and a day that your loved ones can celebrate with you.
Post # 7
I have heard of this, but I am not in this situation. The guy I dated before Fiance, his parents were not married, but had been together for over 25 years. Personally it always weirded me out and it really freaked out my parents (supporters of marriage). Thankfully the topic of marriage never came up with this other duy, but i envision his family would have had a similar opinion.
I think that if marriage is important to you and to Fiance then you should def. get married.
Post # 8
Wow! it is your right to have a wedding… it doesn’t make you a narcissist or selfish; it makes you a girl! Forget them, the fact that anyone would say that to you pisses me off.
The worst thing my Mother-In-Law ever said to me was that she hoped that I would marry her son quicky so she didn’t have to have a bastard grandchild and think about her son living in sin anymore. Aren’t MIL’s lovely!?
Post # 9
I think you have a great (but hard) opportunity to show them just what a wedding is for and how great they can be. I know some of the wedding shows have really made people have a sour note on weddings where sometimes those shows it seems to be about something other than love and commitment.
Post # 10
I think it is wonderful that you and your SO want to have a wedding to commit to your unity as a married couple. It is unfortunate that your family members sound/appear to be bitter and jaded. Hopefully they will come around to being happy and wanting to celebrate your special relationship the two of you have, and your commitment to each other. Make your wedding day what you want, and invite whoever you want/will support you, (maybe you will make it gorgeous yet simple) and spend the majority of the money you have on a fabulous honeymoon for just the two of you! Congratulations!!
Post # 11
Don’t let them ruin your wedding. Although none of it is “necessary”- what is wrong with doing something that will make you happy (especially since you are paying for it yourself)? Party poopers!
Post # 12
I know it is upsetting when family is not excited for you. I am sure that they know that weddings are “normal.” I doubt you can change their minds.
So tell them to cut the sanctimonious BS and do what you want anyway. It seems like they are the ones trying to draw attention to themselves by being “non-conformists.” I really hate that!
On a personal note, I think weddings are a waste of money. And honestly, I would never spend more than a few thousand of my own money on one. My FI’s family is large, and they like big parties, so they offered a generous contribution. While I’d much rather use their contribution for a downpayment on a house, I am still excited about having the wedding. Even though I feel like weddings are a waste of money I don’t fault people for wanting lavish ones. Everyone is different and everyone is entitled to spend their money on different things.
Post # 13
Wow, how intolerant and close-minded! I dealt with that on a very small scale, my FI’s parents are divorced and he’s only in touch with his father who thinks that it’s crazy to get married, for anyone, ever. We just didn’t talk to him about things and eventually he wanted to be a part of the plans. If he hadn’t, he just wouldn’t have come and it would have been fine.
Post # 14
Hahah. I am in this situation but only with my family. My mom has been single her whole life and took her about a month to come around and realize that I did in fact want to get married. Up until then it was screaming match after screaming match, mostly just her yelling and me listening till she finally realized that I wasn’t going to cave. My aunt, who raised me most of my life is completely against it and constantly makes evil, snide comments. Everyone else doesn’t see the point of me getting married and doesn’t understand why my Fiance and I don’t shack up. *sigh* Fiance family is a little different. Both his parents are divorced. His dad just seems to ignore the fact that we are engaged or doesn’t care. His mom seems excited that he is getting married but I think she is wary of me because she hasn’t figured me out yet.
Basically. It is very hard having no family support but do WHAT YOU WANT and you’ll have a fantastic day.
Post # 15
Wow… bitter much? I’m sorry to hear that they are offering little emotional support for such an important day in your life. Hopefully they will come around and see through the planning process that this is a big deal to you and should be treated that way. If anything at least you have your friends to lean on for emotional support. Good luck and I hope you have fun planning!!!!