Help fellow waiting bees… so depressed

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

ezasabc123:  He’s obviously open to the idea of you proposing to him, so I think you need to ask yourself if being proposed to is more important than being engaged.  In addition, have you told him that a ring isn’t necessary?  From the first part of your post, it sounds like finances may have been an obstacle that is holding him back from proposing.  Ultimately, you have three choices: propose to him, continue to wait, or leave.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

My only advice is to NOT mention the ex. Being close to getting married to someone in no way means he loved her more or was more “sure” about her. If anything, I think it’s smart of him to not be rushing headlong into marriage, though of course that sucks for you.

It sounds like this man loves you and fully intends on proposing, but is honestly not in the right space. But you know him– do you think he’s leading you on? 

It sounds like you need to have a talk and explain how important this all is to you. Maybe he can give you a sense of what he’s waiting for and maybe some kind of timeline.

Post # 4
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I feel your pain darling!

The “waiting” is so frustrating…! I’m in the same boat regarding the money issues and like you I feel helpless a lot of the time. Your SO probably feels helpless in a certain regard as well. In my experience it is very important to men that they are secure financially and can be a provider (even if only in theory). And while he says he came close to proposing to his ex he didn’t end up doing it did he? So I wouldn’t get hung up worrying about how your relationship compares to his past relationship. People change a lot over the years. Think about how different you are at 26 from when you were 20! It’s very possible he is approaching marriage from a more mature perspective at 30 and wants to be in a better place fiscally. And honestly, as long as his goals are reasonable, that’s a very legitimate reason to take his time (IMO). Think about it like this….your SO respects and values you so much that he wants to be truly worthy of being your husband and able to protect you, provide for you, and make you as happy as he can. Romantic when you think about like that, right?? 

I try and keep this in mind with my SO. I know he loves me and we have a great relationship- I am so blessed. Marriage is important and it will happen someday, the “cherry” on top of the sundae! Distract yourself as much as you can and focus on the now. Enjoy your time with him and have faith that he will propose when he is ready 🙂

Post # 5
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

First, don’t propose to him. It sounds like you’re traditional and will regret it. Second, buying a house with him prior to being engaged may have been your downfall, here, but you can’t undo that.

I think that all you can do is have a mature conversation with him about your desire to get engaged this year. Not too strict of a timeline, but just say “this year” and be FIRM about that. Point out that if you can buy a home together, (a VERY mature step), then you can get engaged. There will never be the perfect time, because SOMETHING will always come up in life!

 

Finally, why do men bring up their ex? Ugh! Try to push that out of your mind. He is with you and loves you.

Post # 6
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just straight up ask him when he plans to propose, if ever.  He doesn’t need to tell you the minute, but he can give you an estimate so you’re not stressed and worried and uncertain and unhappy.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he do the proposing, and not you.  

You bought a house together- I’m sure you had lots of discussions and conversations about that and it was a joint decision.  Marriage is so much bigger than a house, so why are you silent about it and communicating through hints?  Be open, be honest, be direct.   

Post # 7
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m in the same boat with you girly! I thought my boyfriend would propose on our 2 year anniversary, since it was right before a trip he planned for us (which was wonderful and we had tons of fun!), and that was July 26 and it didn’t happen, so then I was thinking maybe it would happen on the trip, but that came and went as well. Our original plan was to be engaged in August, so I wasn’t so surprised about it not happening on July 26. He bought a ring back in June, and I presume he had repairs done on it, etc., since it was a used ring. So I’m 99% sure he has the ring and it’s ready to use. I just want to be engaged, but like you, I want to have the special moment of being proposed to. I highly do not suggest proposing to him, since he might have a proposal all planned and is just waiting for the right time or occasion. I would give it a few months before even considering that idea. Don’t stress the small stuff. If you are happy with him and your relationship, just simply enjoy the time you have with him. An engagement doesn’t do much to change a relationship, other than taking commitment a bit further, and if you are already talking about marriage, then you’re already at that level. Don’t worry, even though I know that’s much easier said than done.

Post # 8
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I had a friend who proposed to her ex-fiance, and I think ultimately it was what ended up pushing them apart. He felt very emasculated by it, which of course is not always the case. But would your man be offended by it? Mine probably would be. I think I agree with the talk, but maybe wait until after your birthday.

Post # 10
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

ezasabc123:  Make sure you do sit him down. Is it fair to you to continue feeling this way? One of the things I love so much about my husband, is that I can tell him ANYTHING without fear. I waited for my proposal. During that time, I was never afraid to tell him how I was feeling. If he’s serious about you, and it sounds like he is!, this is a walk in the park compared to what you will encounter during 40 or 50 years of marriage 🙂 Start setting the stage now. That is, don’t be afraid to have this talk.

 

Oh, we could only afford a $ 400 ring at first and upgraded later. It’s not about an expensive ring.

Post # 11
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You are not alone, my friend.

Don’t propose to him if you are traditional! You deserve the magical moment whether it be a grand guesture or small intimate moment. 

I found out that my BF has the ring, set the date to propose (our two year anni in June) and asked my father for my hand. It’s now August and I’m not sure when it’s going to happen. He works for his fathers company and is having issues with that. Kinda of a mess. I’m starting to think it won’t happen for months if not a year. 

I would talk to him after your birthday and be clear that you want to be engaged and would love if it could happen this year. Hold your ground but make sure he understands you want this because you love him and are excited to continue building a life with him. 

Sending good and positive vibes your way! Stay positive and let us know how your birthday goes. 🙂

Post # 12
Hostess
2920 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My advice: don’t propose to him, don’t mention his ex: and be patient.  The last thing men want is to be pushed into a proposal.  I know it is so so so so hard especially for strong females and it is total bullshit that we have to “wait” for these men to propose to us to make us feel special.  I would try not to let it ruin your birthday if it doesn’t happen (easier said then done, I know).  After your birthday passes I would have another convo with him about timeframe.

Who knows, those big packages could be hiding a very small jewelry box!  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

ezasabc123:  I was in a very similar position as you about 5, 6 months ago. Now my SO are not engaged yet, however, I know it will be extremely soon… like within this month. It took a lot of discussion to get to this point though, your SO sounds like mine. First of all, he didn’t want to get married until I didn’t have anymore student loans. I very well laughed in his face about that lol, he has ZERO student loans so he doesn’t understand the struggle. He really wants to be totally financially stable before making any type of move HOWEVER he really contradicted himself when we decided to build a home together. Now there are a lot of perks to doing it before marriage, at least in the rural development loan we were eligible for. I said we could definitely get the house only if we were engaged within 6 months of closing on the house. He agreed, we started building, and where I should’ve been engaged March 2013, I am still not.

He let time drag on and drag on… by the time Feb/March rolled around I sat down with him and told him exactly how I felt and that pretty much I was OVER it. We had been looking at rings since fall of 2012 (our year anniversary) and this was approaching our 2.5 mark this past Feb/March. I had a $3500 ring picked out that was beautiful, then scaled down to a $2800, then by the time I got down to $2200 that I picked he just was honest with me and said he was uncomfortable taking out another loan since we had just bought a very nice house in his name and he wanted to pay for the ring in cash and it was just too expensive right now. So either I were to wait to get engaged until next year (2015) or pick out a cheaper but nice and classy ring and we could move this along a little quicker. He then promised to get me the Vera Wang ring I was dreaming of on our 5 year wedding anniversary. So I picked out a ring around $1000 that is perfect for me! Small, dainty, classy, and looks great on my 3 1/2 finger size.

All that to say is maybe you should explain to him you don’t need an expensive, 2 carat rock. You would just have a nice little ring to symbolize your engagement and love, and when you both can afford it, then you can get something bigger and flashier. (If that is the problem). Which it kinda seems like money may be an issue. And if you are disappointed after your birthday if there’s no ring, wait a few weeks to bring it up. Meanwhile, cry to a friend and eat a pint of ice cream. Lord knows I’ve done that many times

Post # 14
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

GreenBayBee: & Lily_of_the_valley:  Exactly these!!

For all you know he snuck the ring inside one of the bigger boxes to throw you off. If it doesn’t happen then I’d sit down for a heart-to-heart to see where you both stand. 

 

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