Weddingbee boards

With five months to go until our wedding, FI just informed me that he doesn't want to marry me. :( :( :( :*(

He said he'd be willing to work on our relationship and stay together...without going through with the wedding. His reasons are the following problems: 1) We rarely eat dinner together 2) We don't do enough things together 3) He feels inadequate because he doesn't do romantic things and doesn't know why he doesn't just do them and 4) I am a little messy (just leave dishes in sink for one day and some clothes on the floor--nothing too bad and I always clean up soon after)

So, he wants to change all of the above and work on it. I, or course, am devastated at this news, and wondering what I should say to him. Today is shot because I am just rocking back and forth crying. After three years with him, and sacrificing to move to where he goes to grad school, I've built my whole life around him. I thought we were happy. Apparently he's felt this way for a long time, and just hasn't told me. I sensed something was wrong, so we had a long talk last week, and agreed we were still in love, wanted to get married, and would agree to work on the above problems. We made a pact that he would do one romantic thing for me (flowers, walk on beach, romantic evening, anything) and I would do a major cleanup around the apartment. Not only did I do a major cleanup of our bedroom, I also made sure to wash every dish each day of the week. But he didin't do anything romantic for me. He forgot. I told him it was "ok, I know you'll try next week." Then this week, I walk out to the living room to snuggle with him (we snuggle every day watching TV or a movie) and I notice he looks sad, and a bomb erupts where he tells me he's confused and we talk and cry for hours. Then today, he tells me he does want to be with me. But essentially he is breaking off our engagement. I'm really mad, actually, because last week when we had our serious relationship talk I said "I need to know for sure, because I was just about to mail the $2,000 catering deposit check) which is all my money, by the way...about 90 percent of the wedding has been funded by me...and he said to go ahead and mail it. So I really, genuinely thought everything was going to be OK. We get along extremely well, are loving to each other, we make each other laugh, we go on tons of camping trips...I honestly would marry him tomorrow, but he says he definitely wouldn't marry me tomorrow. :( I'm so, so sad and confused as to what to say. This is one of those potentially life-changing junctures, and I feel like doing the wrong thing out of anger/frustration, could ruin my entire chance at happiness in life...

What is your advice?

I am with the group I am sorry this is happening to you. I would give him his space on this because it might be like everyone else said the wedding is too much pressure for him and he is in panic mode and doesnt know how to communicate about it in the right way. I would say to you that you need to also take sometime to figure out whats best for you and readjust. Yes I am sure you still want to be with him after all of this, but not to be rude its a bad decision we as women make putting our all into men and then forgetting who we are. I mean i learned this the hard way also. I was with my ex for 2 years and one of those we lived together. I supported him through everything even some decisions now that I regret, but he told me one day he wasnt interested in being married!!! WHAT! I didnt see this coming since he had been talking about with it me off and on for a couple of months. I had to go outta town for my job right after this and it gave me time to clear my head. I came back and moved out and didnt look back! I am not saying thats something you should do, but sometimes we all have to step back and say am I still myself!! :)

Oh no, that is awful! I think he is definitely putting the emphasis on the wrong things. You being a little messier? Not doing enough romantic things together? Those are not reasons to call off a marriage, so I doubt fixing those things is going to 'fix' the relationship. I think maybe he doesn't know why he's really feeling the way he's feeling so he's looking for logical 'reasons' for his feelings.

I would definitely get involved with a professional. Honestly, if he's not willing to work hard to rekindle things quickly, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. I know, I know, I'm so sorry - but calling off your wedding 5 months beforehand? Unless he makes a huge effort to turn things around I would seriously question whether this is the right relationship for both of you.

Thanks for the advice...please, keep it coming...It is very helpful to me right now. I'm not able to share our situation with many people because while I have close gfs down here,they're also good friends with him, so it would just be awkward...

I think the problems we have can be worked out, and that our marriage shouldn't be cancelled because of these problems. I think there's something deeper going on in his head/emotions OTHER than his list of concerns that I posted about above... but as of yet, it hasn't been communicated to me, or it's not perfectly clear to me yet.

One thing he said that in our conversation that really bugged me "i just want you to have your life figured out before we get married" Ok, so i'm doing two internships right now, so what? I'm also working full time as a professional writer and making good money. I'm happy as a journalist (have been one for about 6 years, having worked as a daily news reporter, for the Associated Press, and a national magazine) but right now I'm also doing two internships to explore other career options (quarter-life crisis hit).  I'm doing a highly competitive master gardening internship and landscape architecture internship to see if landscape architecture is a career I might like. I've also been working on establishing a small letterpress biz on the side...I definitely have my own life. I also do volunteer hours at elementary school gardens thru my internship. Also, we have a solid group of friends who love to go on long camping trips (like, we summitted Mt. Whitney this summer)...I often go on them myself, and also will go to game nights by myself if my fiance for some reason can't make it. I have a solid set of lifelong friends (bff and MOH and I have known each other since Kindergarten and are basically like sisters) so if and when I break this news of what I'm going thru as of today, I will have support...

For the past hour or so, I've been talking with one of my closest girflfriends about everything...and...I now have a plan of what to say next to FI. I will let you know what happens next, after I talk to FI. But please, definitely keep the suggestions coming.  Other than talking to my friend, I haven't talked to anyone else, including my mom (out of desperation though, I emailed her a long email, so she is probably really sad for me right now, if she's read it yet since she's at work...) So, because I've only talked to one friend, this is is why I am so, so grateful for your support, girls! You guys are like friends to me, and I thank you for that.

It sounds like he's looking for reasons to postpone or cancel.  I honestly doubt the real issue is with your career, perceived messiness, or other "faults" he chose.

Don't work on those, try to find the reason he's REALLY freaking out.  And get yourself a back up plan - if things do end up being over you need a way to cope and move forward appropriately.

I know that isn't going to be a popular answer right now, but I mean the best.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I can understand where you are standing because a similar situation presented itself to me a couple of months ago (a little different, but I won't get into that). I would recommend maybe trying to take a couple nights and get away with each other. If you can't afford going away to a different location, maybe a hotel some place away from home. It would give both of you a chance to focus on each other, not be distracted and discuss what is going on.

When it happened to me I found that getting away helped and we were able to explain each other's side and reconnect. My FI was totally against any type of counseling (I was for it). Although it may be hard right now and you are feeling all different emotions, be greatful this came about now verses after the wedding. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out for the better

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now! {{HUGS}}

You can't control what he ultimately decides to do, but I would ask him if he feels that his life is figured out right now. Obviously it's not, or he wouldn't be putting on the breaks.

If he says his life is figured out, then just keep working on the issues he raised (as long as he's also working on them equally). If he says it's not, maybe you can help him figure out what he needs to do to start figuring out what he wants or needs. If he continues to not put any effort in to change things, though, (and I'm sorry to say this, but) he has probably already checked out of the relationship--and you deserve someone who values the relationship enough to work on it as much as you do. One person can't make a relationship work on his or her own, no matter how right they may be or how hard they may try.

Good luck with everything! I really hope it works out in the end!!!

Sorry, but I think that is the DUMBEST reason for someone to not get married.  It sounds like he has cold feet...or there is something else going on.  Sounds a little strange to me.

Im sorry you have to go though this...hopefully he will realize what a dumb mistake he's making!