Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2010 - Family Lake House
With five months to go until our wedding, Fiance just informed me that he doesn’t want to marry me. 🙁 🙁 🙁 :*(
He said he’d be willing to work on our relationship and stay together…without going through with the wedding. His reasons are the following problems: 1) We rarely eat dinner together 2) We don’t do enough things together 3) He feels inadequate because he doesn’t do romantic things and doesn’t know why he doesn’t just do them and 4) I am a little messy (just leave dishes in sink for one day and some clothes on the floor–nothing too bad and I always clean up soon after)
So, he wants to change all of the above and work on it. I, or course, am devastated at this news, and wondering what I should say to him. Today is shot because I am just rocking back and forth crying. After three years with him, and sacrificing to move to where he goes to grad school, I’ve built my whole life around him. I thought we were happy. Apparently he’s felt this way for a long time, and just hasn’t told me. I sensed something was wrong, so we had a long talk last week, and agreed we were still in love, wanted to get married, and would agree to work on the above problems. We made a pact that he would do one romantic thing for me (flowers, walk on beach, romantic evening, anything) and I would do a major cleanup around the apartment. Not only did I do a major cleanup of our bedroom, I also made sure to wash every dish each day of the week. But he didin’t do anything romantic for me. He forgot. I told him it was “ok, I know you’ll try next week.” Then this week, I walk out to the living room to snuggle with him (we snuggle every day watching TV or a movie) and I notice he looks sad, and a bomb erupts where he tells me he’s confused and we talk and cry for hours. Then today, he tells me he does want to be with me. But essentially he is breaking off our engagement. I’m really mad, actually, because last week when we had our serious relationship talk I said “I need to know for sure, because I was just about to mail the $2,000 catering deposit check) which is all my money, by the way…about 90 percent of the wedding has been funded by me…and he said to go ahead and mail it. So I really, genuinely thought everything was going to be OK. We get along extremely well, are loving to each other, we make each other laugh, we go on tons of camping trips…I honestly would marry him tomorrow, but he says he definitely wouldn’t marry me tomorrow. 🙁 I’m so, so sad and confused as to what to say. This is one of those potentially life-changing junctures, and I feel like doing the wrong thing out of anger/frustration, could ruin my entire chance at happiness in life…
What is your advice?
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I would say don’t make any major decision right when you feel so emotional.
Also, it really sounds like he is very confused about what he wants/needs right now. I would suggest you have him read The Five Love Languages together so together you can decide what makes each of you feel loved. We all feel loved in different ways, the book explains (acts of service, affirmation, affection etc.) and it doesn’t mean either of you are wrong in the way you’re showing love, you might just not be showing it in the way the other feels it.
If you’re past that point in the relationship right now, I would say, keep the lines of communication open with him. He was honest with you and you can’t be mad that he told you the truth. You could be mad with the truth of course, but he obviusly still cares a great deal, or he wouldn’t have given you an explanation–he would have just left altogether I would think.
((hugs)) and good luck either way.
Post # 4
That really sucks – I would ask him if he wants to schedule an appointment with a couples counsellor to help you talk through everything. And let him know that if he really wants to call off the wedding, he needs to reimburse you for (at least) half of the costs you’ve incurred so far.
Post # 5
I’m really sorry this happened to you! There are a lot of men (some of which have been engaged to bee’s) that just panic, for lack of a better word. They feel a pressure to change who they are. The wedding becomes stressful, the marriage itself applies a lot of pressure too. He may just be going through something so I really wouldn’t initiate a conversation. If you want to be with him, maybe say something like, “I’m here when you want to talk about this”.
Post # 6
wow, thats ALOT to take in ((hugs))
i got stuck on your post where you say “I’ve built my whole life around him” – im worried that you have lost yourself and your identity with being with your Fiance and if thats affected how your Fiance feels as this could be alot of pressure for someone. also you say you are paying for 90% of the wedding cost, is that because he is funding his schooling or he has no interested in financially supporting the wedding.
hopefully you 2 will be able to talk further to figure out what is going on and hopefully its not a bad as it seems right now
Post # 7
I am so sorry you are going through this pain right now. I am sure you are overwhelmed with a ton of emotions (anger, sadness, confusion etc.)
I definitely agree you need to keep the communication lines open and really flesh out what he is feeling right now. I definitely think going to a couples counselor could help and having a counselor would be a great moderator to make sure you really get to the root of the issues he and you are having.
I too was struck when you said you have had to change your life for him. You deserve to be in a partnership, where you are both equally contributing to the relationship. Yes, maybe in different ways, but one person should not be working so much harder than the other. This might be a big wake up call.
Also, yes it’s good he is being honest because you wouldn’t want him to be feeling like AFTER the wedding. He could just be having cold feet though.
I hope this passes soon and you are able to work through this together. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!
Post # 8
girl I have no advice, just (((hugs))). I remember your post on letterpress and I know you’ve been pouring yourself into this wedding… so sorry to hear this! I hope things work out. Sending good thoughts your way that things will be better!!
Post # 9
I am with the group I am sorry this is happening to you. I would give him his space on this because it might be like everyone else said the wedding is too much pressure for him and he is in panic mode and doesnt know how to communicate about it in the right way. I would say to you that you need to also take sometime to figure out whats best for you and readjust. Yes I am sure you still want to be with him after all of this, but not to be rude its a bad decision we as women make putting our all into men and then forgetting who we are. I mean i learned this the hard way also. I was with my ex for 2 years and one of those we lived together. I supported him through everything even some decisions now that I regret, but he told me one day he wasnt interested in being married!!! WHAT! I didnt see this coming since he had been talking about with it me off and on for a couple of months. I had to go outta town for my job right after this and it gave me time to clear my head. I came back and moved out and didnt look back! I am not saying thats something you should do, but sometimes we all have to step back and say am I still myself!! 🙂
Post # 10
Oh no, that is awful! I think he is definitely putting the emphasis on the wrong things. You being a little messier? Not doing enough romantic things together? Those are not reasons to call off a marriage, so I doubt fixing those things is going to ‘fix’ the relationship. I think maybe he doesn’t know why he’s really feeling the way he’s feeling so he’s looking for logical ‘reasons’ for his feelings.
I would definitely get involved with a professional. Honestly, if he’s not willing to work hard to rekindle things quickly, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. I know, I know, I’m so sorry – but calling off your wedding 5 months beforehand? Unless he makes a huge effort to turn things around I would seriously question whether this is the right relationship for both of you.
Post # 11
I am so sorry this is happening to you! **HUGS** I agree with the others, def get some help from a professional counciler. I also agree with eloping that you may have lost yourself in your relationship with him. If thats the case then this might be a good time to take a breath and get involved in something in your own life that makes you happy, volunteering, book club, gym, etc. I hope things work out for you. *HUGS*
Post # 12
Oh sweetie 🙁 (((HUGS)))
I agree with everyone, especially those who have said that it’s worrisome that everything seems focused on HIM. What about YOU? You deserve to be with someone who can appreciate you for who YOU are, not what you can do for him. My advice is to take some time away from him and remember who you are and who you want to be. After that, counseling could be very beneficial.
Post # 13
I am so sorry to hear about this.
His list of things worries me because those things aren’t really what marriage is all about. (I guess spending time together is important, but it sound like you do that??).
I think his doubts likely run much deeper and I would urge you not to just call off the wedding and continue in this relationship without seeing a professional therapist who can really get at the root of what the problem is.
I will say you won’t ruin your chances at happiness – marriage is a huge commitment and if he is not 100% ready to make that commitment to you, you deserve someone who will and will be far happier if you promise yourself you will settle for nothing less. Getting along, being loving – all that is great. But that alone is not marriage. Marriage is partnership, support, trust, love and so much more….
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2010 - Family Lake House
Thanks for the advice…please, keep it coming…It is very helpful to me right now. I’m not able to share our situation with many people because while I have close gfs down here,they’re also good friends with him, so it would just be awkward…
I think the problems we have can be worked out, and that our marriage shouldn’t be cancelled because of these problems. I think there’s something deeper going on in his head/emotions OTHER than his list of concerns that I posted about above… but as of yet, it hasn’t been communicated to me, or it’s not perfectly clear to me yet.
One thing he said that in our conversation that really bugged me “i just want you to have your life figured out before we get married” Ok, so i’m doing two internships right now, so what? I’m also working full time as a professional writer and making good money. I’m happy as a journalist (have been one for about 6 years, having worked as a daily news reporter, for the Associated Press, and a national magazine) but right now I’m also doing two internships to explore other career options (quarter-life crisis hit). I’m doing a highly competitive master gardening internship and landscape architecture internship to see if landscape architecture is a career I might like. I’ve also been working on establishing a small letterpress biz on the side…I definitely have my own life. I also do volunteer hours at elementary school gardens thru my internship. Also, we have a solid group of friends who love to go on long camping trips (like, we summitted Mt. Whitney this summer)…I often go on them myself, and also will go to game nights by myself if my fiance for some reason can’t make it. I have a solid set of lifelong friends (bff and Maid/Matron of Honor and I have known each other since Kindergarten and are basically like sisters) so if and when I break this news of what I’m going thru as of today, I will have support…
For the past hour or so, I’ve been talking with one of my closest girflfriends about everything…and…I now have a plan of what to say next to Fiance. I will let you know what happens next, after I talk to Fiance. But please, definitely keep the suggestions coming. Other than talking to my friend, I haven’t talked to anyone else, including my mom (out of desperation though, I emailed her a long email, so she is probably really sad for me right now, if she’s read it yet since she’s at work…) So, because I’ve only talked to one friend, this is is why I am so, so grateful for your support, girls! You guys are like friends to me, and I thank you for that.
Post # 15
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this 🙁 I just wanted to say, it is possible to panic and not be sure about the wedding, to work on the relationship and come through a better couple, and end up married – I know this is possible because it’s what happened to us. I got cold feet the first time we were engaged, moved out for a few weeks, then came back. It took another 4 years for me to be ready, we’ve now been married only 6 weeks but it’s wonderful, I’m so happy and I’m so grateful for him having faith in us. So, it’s possible that this could work for you. But only you know if that’s what you want and if you are happy to wait for him, knowing that it could go either way – he might decide he wants to get married, or he might want to break up. You will be giving him a lot of power, in that sense. Are you able to move out for a while and stay with a friend? Some space for you both might really help make sense of things. Best of luck.
Post # 16
That stinks! He doesnt feel 5 months is enough time to mend things out with the woman he loves? I mean, if you already set a date and took that step, why back out now?