Post # 1
Ok, I will try to keep this as short as possible with the informations needed.
My fiance (34) and I (28) got engaged in May this year after a 5 year long-distance relationship between the U.S. and Europe. Our wedding is planned for the end of October this year. 2 more months to go. Two days ago he confessed that he has cheated on me 2 years ago. We had a “rocky” time that year, going off and on with the relationship because of so many troubles (tired of the stress that lingers on the long distance, he had financial problems after loosing his job the prior year….). However, no excuse. On a night out with his friend they got drunk and he kissed a coworker. A week later they went out together and he stayed the night. She gave him a ……….
he said he stopped after that night, knowing he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to be with me only. I know they chatted sometime at work. He said he didn’t tell me earlier because I was afraid to loose me.
Anyway. I feel numb- I have no clue what I am feeling right now other than feeling very sick, grossed out and hurt. Should I consider that it was a tough year and 2 years ago!? I asked him how i can trust him not doing the same when we have problems in our marriage. He said he has changed, that we have come soooo far and that he would never do that ever again. I am rough on him right now but my gut tells me that he is saying the truth. He appologized countless times. I know it is true- Over the last year our relationship has progressed a lot. The long distance was a huge pressure on us- especially in the year he cheated. We found a way just last year to make it work for both of us.
Over the last 6 months we were planning for him to move to Europe. He gave up is apartment and is taking language classes. We put a lot of money into moving “things”. He is willing to give everything up he knows and move in a country he hardly knows. He does that because he wants to be with me (his words).
I know I have to find the answer for myself and that the expansive flights our family has booked for the wedding should not be part of my decision. I just ask for help how I can get over this, how can I make a decision?? Is there something i should consider, something I am too blind to see right now?
Thank you so much.
PS.: We are still apart, he is supposed to come here a few days prior the wedding.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you are just finding out and this happened to you. Fortunately, I believe there may still be hope for you two. It may take up til the wedding to work on this, but if you can find that you trust him again, I really do believe you two will make it through. In a way, I think he was coming clean because he couldn’t take the guilt anymore and wanted to get it out before you two marry in October. It’s better to find out now rather than later or never.
You two need to talk things through. I would suggest counseling, but you’re obviously in two different countries right now. It seems like he’s willing to make this work no matter what.
Best of luck to the both of you. Follow your heart. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. (hugs)
Post # 4
Thank you so much for your response. My emotions are on a roller coaster right now. Unfortunately he didn’t come up with the topic himself. I found a suspicious message and confronted him.
He then told me. He knew he has to answer every question I have and he did but I saw that he was very anxious. He kept saying he doesn’t want to loose me and that he tried to tell me several times earlier. After I asked him why he didn’t he said he was too scared to loose me and that he has realized that I am the only one he wanted to be with. He said “he just wanted this mistake to die (meaning what he DID)”. He too said that a friend of his told him that his GF cheated on him and that he wished she would have kept it to herself. He said it made im unsure.
does that change anything that I had to come up and confront him? he too suggested counseling and asked me what he can do to salvage this relationship and wedding but as you said- 2 contintens make that kinda hard.
thank you again.
Post # 5
Everyone is different. Some people work to make relationships work after cheating. I’m not one of those people. I would never be able to forgive it, even if he could somehow guarantee it would never happen again. I would not be able to get past it, especially of I found out 2 years later. I would look at all the things I did for him for the past two years thinking he was a good, loyal man while he held his dirty secret from me. I would feel too wronged.
And yes, to me it does make a difference that he was caught and told you vs coming clean to start a marriage in honesty. He might have never told you otherwise. He just wanted it to die. It tells me that for all of his “we’ve grown so much” and “come so far” he was still hiding his cheating from you. A real man would have come clean.
Most of all, I would feel tricked in all of this. If he told you right after he did it, would you have left him? He grudgingly told you only after you were seriously committed to him.. but what other secrets might he have?
Post # 6
thank you. and yes, I probably would have ended it.
Post # 7
@amidon: It does make a difference that he was “caught” rather than confessed on his own. That really does change my answer, but I stick by what I said at the end of my post – “You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.”
Post # 8
Hmmm… I’m inclinded to agree with MissPumpkinPie here.
My guy cheated on his previous girlfriend with an ex of his. This was before me, and they were in a crazy relationship.
When I found out I was really angry – even though he hadn’t cheated on me! I’ve never been cheated on, but I heard the ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ phrase and I believed it.
We had some huge conversations about it and he told me that he was in a bad place and she just happened to be there. But despite how crazy his then-girlfriend was, he felt terrible about it.
Would he do that again? Absolutely not. And I trust him more than 100%.
He made a mistake and he realised it. He’s moving to another country because of you. He asked you to marry him.
I’m just throwing this out there because it sounds like the guy is geniunely sorry and sometimes I do agree that it’s better to not say anything than break someone’s heart because of a stupid, stupid mistake.
Can I ask how you came across the message? What did it say? And what do YOU think about the whole thing? Do you want to stay with him but feel as though you should break up because of what happened? Or do you want to break up but feel as though you should carry on because of the money involved in moving and getting married and think you should give it a shot?
Post # 9
Yes, the “he is willing to move to my country, giving it all up” and “he did ask me to marry him” is big in my considerations and he too asked me how else he could show me that he truly loves me.
I had to look something up in one of our older chats. He had his account open and since I trust him and didn’t expect anything and I used his account- not thinking of anything bad. However, all of a sudden I saw this strange name popping up all over the old chats. I didn’t open them, it is his privacy. but you can see the first few lines of the chat and they told me enough to ask him. From there on he told the rest of the story.
I don’t know what I think right now. I am numb and on an emotional roller coaster at the same time. I feel like I might be an idiot to stay with a cheater (as you said, once a cheater…..) but at the same time I have the feeling he tells me the truth that it was a one time mistake and that he would never do it again. But isn’t that what we always here or read? I have never been cheated on before either. One reason why I feel lost in feelings.That is why I am here. I know I can give the final answer myself only but I seek help how to get out of this big pile of feelings and feeling numb at the same time.
Post # 10
Can you get past this? Can you let it go and trust him 100%? For me personally I’d tell him to fuck off. Using the we were having a rocky relationship line doesn’t cut it. What if this isn’t the only time, he is only fessing up because you caught him out. I’d never be able to trust him again.
I was cheated on. It is the most awful feeling. I never ever wanted to be with that person or be in the same room as them.
Post # 11
@amidon: oh sweetie that’s okay!
how about you do a middle ground and postpone the wedding? no one needs to know if you don’t want them to (I know I wouldn’t, as I don’t like other people butting in my business and thinking they know everything).
Is there a reason why you’re getting married so soon? a 5 month engagement is pretty short!
Could you maybe move in together, see how it goes living together for a while and then get married?
It’s going to take time for you to adjust to this and take everything onboard, and you two not having lived together before will throw in a whole new set of things to deal with! Then you can maybe see how it goes, how you find living with him and how you feel about trusting him. Things might change when you’re living together as you’re not going to be thinking “omg i don’t know what he’s doing” kind of thing.
It’s not ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. Sometimes people just make huge mistakes.
Post # 12
Thank you. We have lived together before but always over 3 months periods and we saw each other ever 3-4 months for 3 weeks. I know it doesn’t sound much but unfortunately we didn’t get much of another chance as we are from Europe and the U.S. So no, right now we have no other opportunity to live togehter.
After 5 years apart and knowing we want to spend the rest of our lifes togehter we set the wedding for october because it will take another couple months afterwards to really live togehter. there is a lot of paperwork to be done to allow us to live on the same continent. (even nowadays). 5 years is a very long time and honestly, I feel like cancelling the wedding is just gonna be the same as giving up on the relatinoship.
Post # 13
I don’t know and yes, it is aweful.
Post # 14
@amidon: it sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind
you’ve thanked me on two replies now and I think it’s because i’ve voiced what you wanted to hear.
And that’s all you need to know – what you really think deep down inside.
Good luck to the two of you, you’ll get through this xx
Post # 15
Who stays the night and just gets a beej?
OP, it sounds like you’re planning on staying with him. It also sounds like you were “on and off” so maybe I can see how it happened. Still, it was selfish of him to wait until you were much more emotionally involved (engaged, etc) for him to tell you.
I hope it all works out for you.
Post # 16
You mentioned that it was a bad year with some on and off to the relationship? To me it would matter a lot if the relationship was on or off at the time. If it was off and he thought it was really over then I’m not sure that it is truly cheating?