Post # 1
Hi all – so this is the first time I’m posting on one of these things because I’m in dire need of advice/opinions/support/anything really. Up until 3 days ago everything was perfect in life: I had loving/caring FI, great job, wedding planning was in line, had invitations stamped & addressed ready to go out, just spent some quality time with my family and thought nothing could be more perfect. Then it hit, I asked him a question (was pretty irratated) regarding what his family was doing for the wedding because I feel like we’re moving on different tangents and have no clue what’s going on. I think I did go on to say something along the lines of do you even care about this wedding because you’re not communicating with me. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s not sure I’m marrying him for the right reasons, that all I want is a wedding and a ring. Then basically saying that he only proposed to me last year because he felt pressured that I wanted a family and a future and felt that if he didn’t do it then, then I would leave hIm. Needless to say there was a lot of screaming on my end (A LOT) with: you should’ve thought about that before, we’re 3 months out, how could you do this to me, I’m so embarrassed, etc… After the hurtful things were said and massive amounts of crying we’re still where we are – nowhere. He told me that I exploded and this is not how he imagined I would react. He said all he was looking for was reassurance that I wanted to marry him for the right reasons and I couldn’t do it. My reasoning was that because your delivery didn’t have my feelings in line and was completely selfish, I needed an apology of how you told me. He knew I was emotionally unstable and COMPLETELY stressed out from family issues, wedding planning, finances. I jus want to know if I’m crazy for exploding and what to do. We’re having a destination wedding and my friends are booking flights/hotels. I’m just a lost for words…I never thought something like this would happen to me – not in a gazillion years! PLEASE HELP!
Post # 3
@sassy508: I totally get where you’re coming from (weddings are super stressful), but I think men have a hard time feeling vulnerable/unsure, and therefore don’t communicate those feelings well (or tactfully). Was it crazy/irrational for exploding on him? To him, probably, but to any other bride, probably not. I think what you need to show him is that you care more about the marriage than the wedding. I would definitely try talking to him when you’re a little more level headed, and don’t hesitate to appologize first.
Post # 4
@sassy508: Yup. Time to eat crow and apologize. You can absolutely go to him and apologize for blowing up and explain that since the wedding planning has been so stressful and consuming, your mind immediately panicked. THEN explain all of the reasons you want to BE married to him..not GET married. If all he wanted to hear was that you loved him for the right reasons, don’t be so stubborn that you won’t tell him. You need to worry more about making this right than acutally being the one who’s right.
But that’s just my 2 cents.
Post # 5
@sassy508: I agree with the previous posters. You need to apologise. He expressed legitimate concerns and you respond with “a lot” of screaming and “massive amounts of crying”? Not the best way to handle things. Time to apologise (A LOT). Best of luck to you. (:
Post # 6
I agree with PP, exploding on him probably wasnt the best move. I mean he didnt say he didnt want to marry you, he said he thinks you want to get married for the wrong reasons. That clearly means that he needed reasurrance. You definately should have handled it differently. Shouting is never really acceptable in a healthy relationship. I would appologize if I were you. I would also give him a very sweet and very long list of all the reasons I want to marry HIM (not just any man that can give you a wedding and kids). Good luck!
Post # 7
Yup, time to apologize. If my fiance said that to me I would hope that I would be more worried about how I had been behaving to have him say that rather than being angry or embarrassed. It doesn’t sound like he was trying to leave you, he just wanted reassurance. So I think you maybe do need to reevaluate how you have been acting in regards to the wedding because it seems to be making him rethink his decision to marry you.
Post # 8
It sounds like he really needs some reassurance that you are in it for more than a fancy ring and a wedding. I think we brides get so caught up in planning and pretty details that we forget what it is really about : a lifetime with the person we love. At the end of the day, a wedding is just a party. Your FI’s feelings are what is really important and maybe he didn’t verbalize it well enough, but the underlying message is that he needs to know that the marriage is more important than the wedding.
Post # 9
@sassy508: I’m sorry to kick you when you’re down, but …. it kinda sounds like he’s right. Your objections were all based on how it would look and the logistical issues with postponing or cancelling the wedding. Nothing at all to indicate that you might be sad at the thought of not being married to him, no attempt to show or tell that you love him and want to be his wife (as opposed to the bride), no concern for why he’s feeling this way or what might be missing from your relationship. I’m not sure if an apology is going to fix it. I guess it might smooth things over short-term and he might possibly want to go ahead with the wedding, but I think for both of your long-term happiness, you should consider deeply whether he’s onto something.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
You are responsible for your own emotions and reactions, not him. You need to spend some time thinking about how you feel and your motivations (and probably he does as well) and then touch base when you two are feeling grounded enough to talk. With that in mind, this is a stressful time, and it’s natural to get ticked at each other, bicker, and even fight.
Post # 11
I’m with the PPs – you didn’t address his concerns at all. Instead, you berated him for doing this to you, embarassing you when the wedding is 3 mos away, etc. Maybe you’ve been overly focused on the wedding and that’s why he’s wondering if you actually care about marrying him and not the wedding day. Try to talk to him again and apologize, say that you’ve just been really stressed out and that no matter what happens on the wedding day, you will be happy to be married to him, you love him for X Y Z.
Post # 12
Wow, I have to side with FI on this one too for all the same reasons PP mentioned.
Post # 13
I read your post, and what struck me is that the only feelings that seem to matter to you are your own. He expresses his concerns, and it makes him “selfish”. You respond by “screaming” at him, which doesn’t seem to be very considerate of the feelings he expressed.
Honestly, I can understand why he’s having second thoughts. I can’t imagine “screaming” at my FI in response to him telling me he feels uncertain about our future together.
Post # 14
@LLRininger: +1. Definitely. He needed reassurance. Time to go apologize, and let that man know what you want from a marriage (loving, happy, long, fulfilling partnership), and not the wedding. Men often don’t care about weddings. Mine told me up front that he had no real interest in planning it, luckily I love planning. He just wants to know what I need from him financially to get it going.
I have a fiance who has a lot of trouble communicating how he feels (can be greatly misinterpreted, which does happen) so you can’t be yelling and massively crying. They don’t know what to do – they’ll wonder why you turned the situation around to be about you. He didn’t say he didn’t want to get married.
Good luck though. Listen to him calmly, make him something that he likes, pour some tea and work it out without getting defensive. Show him that you are fully listening and you care. If he’s a good man he will see this.
Post # 15
@sassy508: I can’t say I blame you for “exploding” – let’s face it, any bride 3 months out would be a little freaked out – although we all know there are better ways of communicating. Now that the dust has settled, are you willing and able to have a normal discussion about this?
What he’s claiming (all you want is the wedding) – does that have any merit? I ask because I do think brides sometimes have a tendency to focus too much energy into the WEDDING, a neglect the relationship/soon to be marriage. I’m not saying he’s right, but you do have to ask yourself if you’ve contributed to his fears…
You owe him an apology, that’s a definite. But you guys have to figure out where you go from here. I think a thorough, level-headed conversation is in order.
Post # 16
Thanks all for the advice and also getting shaken when needed (I def needed that)! I think I’m just an emotional mess, and now I’m even questioning everything…Hoping for the best:/