(Closed) HELP!! Fiance just told me 3 months to our wedding he is unsure…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@sassy508:  I totally get where you’re coming from (weddings are super stressful), but I think men have a hard time feeling vulnerable/unsure, and therefore don’t communicate those feelings well (or tactfully).  Was it crazy/irrational for exploding on him?  To him, probably, but to any other bride, probably not.  I think what you need to show him is that you care more about the marriage than the wedding.  I would definitely try talking to him when you’re a little more level headed, and don’t hesitate to appologize first.

Post # 4
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sassy508:  Yup. Time to eat crow and apologize. You can absolutely go to him and apologize for blowing up and explain that since the wedding planning has been so stressful and consuming, your mind immediately panicked. THEN explain all of the reasons you want to BE married to him..not GET married. If all he wanted to hear was that you loved him for the right reasons, don’t be so stubborn that you won’t tell him. You need to worry more about making this right than acutally being the one who’s right.

But that’s just my 2 cents.

Post # 5
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@sassy508:  I agree with the previous posters. You need to apologise. He expressed legitimate concerns and you respond with “a lot” of screaming and “massive amounts of crying”? Not the best way to handle things. Time to apologise (A LOT). Best of luck to you. (:

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with PP, exploding on him probably wasnt the best move. I mean he didnt say he didnt want to marry you, he said he thinks you want to get married for the wrong reasons. That clearly means that he needed reasurrance. You definately should have handled it differently. Shouting is never really acceptable in a healthy relationship. I would appologize if I were you. I would also give him a very sweet and very long list of all the reasons I want to marry HIM (not just any man that can give you a wedding and kids). Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yup, time to apologize.  If my fiance said that to me I would hope that I would be more worried about how I had been behaving to have him say that rather than being angry or embarrassed.  It doesn’t sound like he was trying to leave you, he just wanted reassurance.  So I think you maybe do need to reevaluate how you have been acting in regards to the wedding because it seems to be making him rethink his decision to marry you.

Post # 8
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@alligirl78:  +1,000

 

It sounds like he really needs some reassurance that you are in it for more than a fancy ring and a wedding. I think we brides get so caught up in planning and pretty details that we forget what it is really about : a lifetime with the person we love. At the end of the day, a wedding is just a party. Your FI’s feelings are what is really important and maybe he didn’t verbalize it well enough, but the underlying message is that he needs to know that the marriage is more important than the wedding.

Post # 9
Member
7313 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@sassy508:  I’m sorry to kick you when you’re down, but …. it kinda sounds like he’s right. Your objections were all based on how it would look and the logistical issues with postponing or cancelling the wedding. Nothing at all to indicate that you might be sad at the thought of not being married to him, no attempt to show or tell that you love him and want to be his wife (as opposed to the bride), no concern for why he’s feeling this way or what might be missing from your relationship.  I’m not sure if an apology is going to fix it. I guess it might smooth things over short-term and he might possibly want to go ahead with the wedding, but I think for both of your long-term happiness, you should consider deeply whether he’s onto something.

Post # 10
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

You are responsible for your own emotions and reactions, not him. You need to spend some time thinking about how you feel and your motivations (and probably he does as well) and then touch base when you two are feeling grounded enough to talk. With that in mind, this is a stressful time, and it’s natural to get ticked at each other, bicker, and even fight.

Post # 11
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’m with the PPs – you didn’t address his concerns at all.  Instead, you berated him for doing this to you, embarassing you when the wedding is 3 mos away, etc.  Maybe you’ve been overly focused on the wedding and that’s why he’s wondering if you actually care about marrying him and not the wedding day.  Try to talk to him again and apologize, say that you’ve just been really stressed out and that no matter what happens on the wedding day, you will be happy to be married to him, you love him for X Y Z.

Post # 12
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I have to side with FI on this one too for all the same reasons PP mentioned.

Post # 13
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

I read your post, and what struck me is that the only feelings that seem to matter to you are your own. He expresses his concerns, and it makes him “selfish”. You respond by “screaming” at him, which doesn’t seem to be very considerate of the feelings he expressed.

 

Honestly, I can understand why he’s having second thoughts.  I can’t imagine “screaming” at my FI in response to him telling me he feels uncertain about our future together. 

Post # 14
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@LLRininger:  +1. Definitely. He needed reassurance. Time to go apologize, and let that man know what you want from a marriage (loving, happy, long, fulfilling partnership), and not the wedding. Men often don’t care about weddings. Mine told me up front that he had no real interest in planning it, luckily I love planning. He just wants to know what I need from him financially to get it going.

I have a fiance who has a lot of trouble communicating how he feels (can be greatly misinterpreted, which does happen) so you can’t be yelling and massively crying. They don’t know what to do – they’ll wonder why you turned the situation around to be about you. He didn’t say he didn’t want to get married.

Good luck though. Listen to him calmly, make him something that he likes, pour some tea and work it out without getting defensive. Show him that you are fully listening and you care. If he’s a good man he will see this.

Post # 15
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sassy508:  I can’t say I blame you for “exploding” – let’s face it, any bride 3 months out would be a little freaked out – although we all know there are better ways of communicating.  Now that the dust has settled, are you willing and able to have a normal discussion about this?

What he’s claiming (all you want is the wedding) – does that have any merit?  I ask because I do think brides sometimes have a tendency to focus too much energy into the WEDDING, a neglect the relationship/soon to be marriage.  I’m not saying he’s right, but you do have to ask yourself if you’ve contributed to his fears…

You owe him an apology, that’s a definite.  But you guys have to figure out where you go from here.  I think a thorough, level-headed conversation is in order.

 

The topic ‘HELP!! Fiance just told me 3 months to our wedding he is unsure…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors