(Closed) HELP!!! Fiancée’s ex wants to go to ou wedding!!!I really need insights….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t see why she should be at the wedding if you don’t want her there. Maybe if her son was younger I can see a reason for her to be there but at 20 he should be more than capable to be on his own. Fingers crossed that he moves out of home in a few years and you don’t have to see her anymore!

Post # 4
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

:[ 

that’s really tricky given that you are asking your stepson to choose between his dad and his mom on his birthday (a kid should be able to spend part of his birthday with his mom if he wants to..what if your ex decided to get married on your daughter’s birthday and she had to attend the wedding but wanted to spend time with you but you weren’t invited?) – your wedding anniversary will forever be on his birthday which could potentially bring about recurring problems over the years. to be honest, i don’t think that is really fair and you probably should have been clearer with him about this ahead of time.

unfortunately what’s done is done. ordinarily i would just say that you shouldn’t have to invite the ex but given that this is not just your day i think you and your FI need to brainstorm about how you can be sensitive to your stepson.  it really doesn’t matter how the ex feels..is there a part of the day where your stepson could potentially leave to spend time with his mom?

i don’t mean to come off as insensitive. i know this is a very awkward situation for you. it is so hard to balance this blended family thing, i’m sorry it has been so difficult for you.

Post # 6
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

i see..extenuating circumstances prevailed. i really empathize with you in that respect (me: single mom, ltr, unstable ex) – it is just so hard when you have so many schedules to consider and then there are other factors – like the ex – that complicate everything suddenly…and you have it going on for both partners. a reminder about other people’s kids, although you have your experiences with your birthdays, it doesn’t mean that your stepson should necessarily feel/think the way you do – for some people birthdays mean a lot, for others they are just another day – no right or wrong, i wouldn’t call him immature because of that but of course you know the full picture.

hopefully some of the other bees can be more helpful! hang in there! no matter what, i’m sure your wedding day will be great – you’re getting married 🙂 not even a crazy ex can mess that up!

Post # 7
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Rivendeler:  ok…if this was a normal ex I would say wtf why would she think she can go….but she is still very much in his life, even if it’s not in a romantic way. So it’s not completely off base for her to try to get an invite. I would calmly explain to her that you don’t feel it’s appropriate. And of all days to get married, why on his son’s birthday? Idc about that it’s the only day crap, there are 365 days in a year why do you have to ruin his son’s birthday forever? Because even in the future this will be your anniversary and his father will not be able to celebrate with him, or at least he’ll have to choose–causing stress. 

You hate his ex…well he must not hate her, since she’s been working for him for many years after the split–so you need to decide how you feel and stick with it. Either you cannot continue this way any longer and will split up if he doesn’t fire her and  cut off unnecessary contact, or you can be the bigger person and tell her yourself that you think her  presence is inappropriate. But please, don’t get married on your stepson’s birthday that’s just wrong. My exhusbands father married his stepmother on his son’s birthday and it was an issue for years–he was extremely resentful that his father could never see him on his birthday and felt like it was purposeful (it probably was)

 

In fact when his father died they hadn’t spoken in years because of this

Post # 8
Member
9629 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sylvia.riggle:  I agree with all of this.

I also can kind of understand her wanting an invitation due to the circumstances.  But, she can want it all she wants to.  Bottom line is:  This Is Your Wedding.  You get to choose the guest list.  If you don’t want her there, then don’t invite her.  I can understand accomodating some of her requests as your FI’s son’s mother (even as his employee), but it’s not up to her to issue herself an invitation to your wedding and/or reception.  Just put your foot down and refuse to budge. 

The only reason you have to give is that this is how you want it to be.  It’s your wedding, end of story.  That should be good enough.

((HUGS))  I know this is hard for you – I wish you all the best.  Hang in there!!

Post # 10
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This is tough.  This woman really has balls expecting an invitation, especially since she tried to seduce him while you guys were dating.  As for your stepson’s birthday, he’s turning 20, not 8, I think you guys can do something on another day.  That’s not a big deal at all.

 

You guys know this woman better than we do.  If you think she’ll cause drama on your wedding day, don’t invite her.  If her prescence won’t call any disturbance, then it might be worth inviting her for the sake of keeping the peace.  It sounds like she’s awful, it might be worth asking his family about how they’d feel about her being there.  If there are 10 people who really don’t want to see her that day, you’re better off not inviting her.

Post # 11
Member
46159 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your FIs son doesnt have to choose which parent to be with on his birthday. He lives with his Mom. He can be with her in the morning. They can also go out any other day. By age 20 most young people are celebrating their birthday with their friends ,not primarily their parents.

You have not ruined his birthday forever. That`s ridiculous. Most of us who have children realize that at some time they are likely to grow up and move away. He will celebrate his birthday and the two of you can celebrate your anniversary.

I would not invite her. FI`s son is also old enough to realize that this day is about you and his Dad, not his Mom. You are entitled to focus on your marriage to Ze, not his past relationship with her. It is inappropriate to say the least for her to be soliciting an invitation.

Post # 14
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I wouldn’t invite her either. I think everyone (including you) explained why pretty well.

Post # 15
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

We also had friends ask us if my husband’s ex-wife would be at our wedding and I just looked at them like they had two heads. There’s no reason in the world she should be invited and she’s in lala land if she thinks her request is normal.

Have your wedding, your way. Your stepson will get over it, and I promise it won’t ruin anything for him. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Your stepson is an adult, he can survive without his mother for one day. Invite who YOU want to YOUR wedding.

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