Post # 1
I come to you in search of enlightment…i am terribly torn and yesterday my day was poisoned by this possibility. And it started really well – we took my stepson and my fiancée’s dad to see the place we’re getting married at and worked on a few details with the PR who’s accessorizing our wedding. They liked the environment and once again we felt sure it was indeed the perfect place for our romantic wedding. It all started before we even left the house, with a phone call – Ze (fiancée) called his ex in order to tell her to wake up their son because we were picking him up in a few min to go with us. She asked where we were going and he told her, not exactly clearly. Then she started to poor questions as to the date of the wedding and if he really wasn’t inviting her and if so if it was because he’s ashamed of her..argh! Well, I let this pass when he told me but when we returned, he had to talk to her again on business and she returned to the theme..She said she had “guessed” the date..and again asked about her invitation! So now I got mad…the nerve!!!!!! Ok, now I must explain:
Most people when they split stay away from each other, more or less when they are kids involved. That’s how it is between me and my ex, my daughter’s dad. We don’t see each other except when Gabi’s involved and get well along splendidly, even more with is family and mine. Now with Ze’s ex, it’s a completely different story..she works for him! This has always made me feel extremely insecure and worried because she’s, she’s..i don’t have words for her! The fact is they had an awful relationship for 14 years, with abuse (from her!), cheating and making everyone’s lives miserable. I hated her just for what he told me about her, right when we met. He was never able to make her leave his firm due to his son sooo I have put up with a LOT of tough and stressful situations along the years. In the beginning she was horrible because she always believe Ze was hers, available for when she wanted..on the first time she looked me in the eyes (on our first date!!) I saw she was terrified. And she behaved quite badly, tried to seduce him and all….it was a nightmare..then years passed and she calmed down. Of course I never felt good about them seeing each other every day (most people took years to understand they had indeed split up!) and till today I am not at ease to go o his firm, for example. The birth of our daughter helped and I must admit she’s 5 stars with my girls – always gives them presents on their birthdays and Xmas and I try to remember she’s my stepson’s mum. Although she’s completely unbalanced and quite wild.
Ok, now to the point (sorry, I thought I should describe the background first..): on our wedding day my stepson turns 20 and it’s Ze’s godson’s birthday as well..of course we were uncomfortable but due to many reasons June 10th was the only date available (for the place where we’re getting married at and due to my oldest daughter’s school). My stepson was ok with it when we told him but that was because he believed his mum was going..when he knew better he was hurt and said he didn’t understand..poor thing, he’s almost “blind” when it comes to his mum..that was some time ago. I was thoughtful about this and once even talked to Ze about inviting her just for the reception as neither of us would feel at ease during the ceremony with her present. Yesterday we talked about it again..and that was what poisoned my day. I felt sick, really sick with the prospect of having her on our wedding day.Not only for us! My people would understand and stand by me but HIS family hate her! I don’t want people uncomfortable on our wedding day! But I also know that from the moment we’re parents our priorities change..we’re no longer free to act as we please..so what do I do now? Please help!!!!!!!!!
Post # 3
I don’t see why she should be at the wedding if you don’t want her there. Maybe if her son was younger I can see a reason for her to be there but at 20 he should be more than capable to be on his own. Fingers crossed that he moves out of home in a few years and you don’t have to see her anymore!
Post # 4
that’s really tricky given that you are asking your stepson to choose between his dad and his mom on his birthday (a kid should be able to spend part of his birthday with his mom if he wants to..what if your ex decided to get married on your daughter’s birthday and she had to attend the wedding but wanted to spend time with you but you weren’t invited?) – your wedding anniversary will forever be on his birthday which could potentially bring about recurring problems over the years. to be honest, i don’t think that is really fair and you probably should have been clearer with him about this ahead of time.
unfortunately what’s done is done. ordinarily i would just say that you shouldn’t have to invite the ex but given that this is not just your day i think you and your FI need to brainstorm about how you can be sensitive to your stepson. it really doesn’t matter how the ex feels..is there a part of the day where your stepson could potentially leave to spend time with his mom?
i don’t mean to come off as insensitive. i know this is a very awkward situation for you. it is so hard to balance this blended family thing, i’m sorry it has been so difficult for you.
Post # 5
I agree with you..we shouldn’t have had this problem to deal with..the thing is we needed my daughter to be on holidays and also we did not want to delay because of my mother-in-law and the place we fell in love with wasn’t available on the 9th which was the date we had chosen ..unfortunatelly she passed away 2 weeks ago and all is schedulled and paid by now so there’s no question of changing the date..yes, my stepson’s feelings are very important to us. For me and as he’s 20 he shouldn’t be upset because of ONE birthday he won’t spend with his mum (i had plenty alone), although he lives with her so they will spend part of the morning with her. BUT we don’t want to hurt his feelings. Not at all.He’s too childish ar times but he’s the dearest boy and the brother of my daughter.
I asked my fiancée to talk to his sister about it..i value her opinion.My family would cope well but his family..they all HATE her! And ny stepson knows that..yes, all our fault..none of us should have to deal with this almost impossible situation :-(..alas for my happy, romantic wedding…..
If my ex marries on my daughter’s birthday i wouldn’t mind. It’s just one day. I have plenty with her.
Post # 6
i see..extenuating circumstances prevailed. i really empathize with you in that respect (me: single mom, ltr, unstable ex) – it is just so hard when you have so many schedules to consider and then there are other factors – like the ex – that complicate everything suddenly…and you have it going on for both partners. a reminder about other people’s kids, although you have your experiences with your birthdays, it doesn’t mean that your stepson should necessarily feel/think the way you do – for some people birthdays mean a lot, for others they are just another day – no right or wrong, i wouldn’t call him immature because of that but of course you know the full picture.
hopefully some of the other bees can be more helpful! hang in there! no matter what, i’m sure your wedding day will be great – you’re getting married 🙂 not even a crazy ex can mess that up!
Post # 7
@Rivendeler: ok…if this was a normal ex I would say wtf why would she think she can go….but she is still very much in his life, even if it’s not in a romantic way. So it’s not completely off base for her to try to get an invite. I would calmly explain to her that you don’t feel it’s appropriate. And of all days to get married, why on his son’s birthday? Idc about that it’s the only day crap, there are 365 days in a year why do you have to ruin his son’s birthday forever? Because even in the future this will be your anniversary and his father will not be able to celebrate with him, or at least he’ll have to choose–causing stress.
You hate his ex…well he must not hate her, since she’s been working for him for many years after the split–so you need to decide how you feel and stick with it. Either you cannot continue this way any longer and will split up if he doesn’t fire her and cut off unnecessary contact, or you can be the bigger person and tell her yourself that you think her presence is inappropriate. But please, don’t get married on your stepson’s birthday that’s just wrong. My exhusbands father married his stepmother on his son’s birthday and it was an issue for years–he was extremely resentful that his father could never see him on his birthday and felt like it was purposeful (it probably was)
In fact when his father died they hadn’t spoken in years because of this
Post # 8
@sylvia.riggle: I agree with all of this.
I also can kind of understand her wanting an invitation due to the circumstances. But, she can want it all she wants to. Bottom line is: This Is Your Wedding. You get to choose the guest list. If you don’t want her there, then don’t invite her. I can understand accomodating some of her requests as your FI’s son’s mother (even as his employee), but it’s not up to her to issue herself an invitation to your wedding and/or reception. Just put your foot down and refuse to budge.
The only reason you have to give is that this is how you want it to be. It’s your wedding, end of story. That should be good enough.
((HUGS)) I know this is hard for you – I wish you all the best. Hang in there!!
Post # 9
of course in the beginning we did not want to wed on his son´s birthday! We wanted a day of our own..but circumstances did led us to this point my daughter’s school, my mother-in-law very sick..) and although i asked, after his mum died 2 weeks ago, if he wanted to delay the wedding he said there´s too much involved right now expenses, reservations, invited guests..also it was what his mum really wanted – to see us married.
No, i don´t like her near us. But i can´t do anything about her place in the firm so although i don´t like it i am ok with it.
What i do not want is to let her come too close to our personal life. Everythime i am with her she manages to say something horrible and i feel miserable. She makes everyone feel embarassed (of knowing her..)
It´s tricky..i know..but as for the birthday parties it´s ok because sometimes we get all together on his son´s birthday and sometimes not so it´s not the wedding anniversary that´s going to make a difference. We also have another birthday on that day! My fiancée´s godson!
Post # 10
This is tough. This woman really has balls expecting an invitation, especially since she tried to seduce him while you guys were dating. As for your stepson’s birthday, he’s turning 20, not 8, I think you guys can do something on another day. That’s not a big deal at all.
You guys know this woman better than we do. If you think she’ll cause drama on your wedding day, don’t invite her. If her prescence won’t call any disturbance, then it might be worth inviting her for the sake of keeping the peace. It sounds like she’s awful, it might be worth asking his family about how they’d feel about her being there. If there are 10 people who really don’t want to see her that day, you’re better off not inviting her.
Post # 11
s son doesnt have to choose which parent to be with on his birthday. He lives with his Mom. He can be with her in the morning. They can also go out any other day. By age 20 most young people are celebrating their birthday with their friends ,not primarily their parents.
You have not ruined his birthday forever. That`s ridiculous. Most of us who have children realize that at some time they are likely to grow up and move away. He will celebrate his birthday and the two of you can celebrate your anniversary.
I would not invite her. FI`s son is also old enough to realize that this day is about you and his Dad, not his Mom. You are entitled to focus on your marriage to Ze, not his past relationship with her. It is inappropriate to say the least for her to be soliciting an invitation.
Post # 12
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you..i have tears in my eyes..i have been all stressed up since yesterday and my neck is stiff as stone..thank you for helping me getting my feelings and believes right. I am NOT the bad stepmother..i care for this boy and do not want to hurt him. I see him as man, yes, but in his dad´s eyes he´s still a kid.
Thank you again. You made me feel i am not crazy…
Post # 13
exactly my thought! I will ask a few people( we will be just 53) what they think and decide from there. We do not want her. Definetly.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t invite her either. I think everyone (including you) explained why pretty well.
Post # 15
We also had friends ask us if my husband’s ex-wife would be at our wedding and I just looked at them like they had two heads. There’s no reason in the world she should be invited and she’s in lala land if she thinks her request is normal.
Have your wedding, your way. Your stepson will get over it, and I promise it won’t ruin anything for him. 🙂
Post # 16
Your stepson is an adult, he can survive without his mother for one day. Invite who YOU want to YOUR wedding.