HELP.. Fiance's family non supportive.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@blessedbethebride:  Is there any other reason you think that they’re not supportive? It could just be that they don’t want to be pushy in-laws and are waiting for you to come to them with a particular task.

In general, I think the husband should deal with his parents and the wife with hers. What does your fiance say about this?

Post # 4
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Do you mean they have said they don’t want you to get married, haven’t offered money, just looking to clarify how they aren’t supporting you 

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It would help if you clarified what you mean as “unsupportive”. What sort of support are you looking for? Only you are still 6 months away from the wedding and I guess it might be that they’d like you and your FI to let them know what help you need rather than baling in with possibly unwanted interference. From what you say it doesn’t sound as if they are unhappy about your engagement.

Post # 6
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not fully understanding what you’re trying to say. What is it that they aren’t doing that you want them to do?

Hmmm, maybe if you call and ask them if they would like to do a specific task, they’ll be all for it. It might not be reasonable to expect them to just offer their services without first saying what needs to be done. 

Post # 8
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

I’m a bit confused also. It sounds like they probably just don’t want to come off as pushy and don’t know where in planning you are so they can’t even know what to offer to help with. 

And, you want them to offer to help, but you don’t want to talk to them, you want your FI to talk to them? I think if you want their help, you need to woman-up and ask. Maybe they can tell you don’t like talking to them and that makes them feel uncomfortable?

Do you have a dress already? Shopping/fittings would be a good easy thing to have them involved in. 

Post # 10
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@blessedbethebride:  I’m going to be honest here. I hope this doesn’t sound mean as that is not how I want this to come across:

It sounds as if you are being a little unreasonable; as if you are expecting them to read your mind. They can’t do that — they can’t read your mind. In this case, I agree with your fiancée that you just might have to speak with them so that you can tell them what you would like them to do, if they are willing to do it. Maybe your fiancée could ask them if they would like to do some things for the wedding, and if they agree you can then you tell them what things they could do. You may think the family of the groom should be more involved, but that’s not how all families are. You’ll have to talk to them, even your fiancée is the one to broach the subject with them initially.

Post # 12
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

With respect, it is always a mistake to assume the same level of support from both sides of the family. That’s not to say you can’t get it but sometimes it simply isn’t possible and if your FI’s family live out of state, that might make it harder for them to be involved in some aspects of your wedding. I am doing a lot of my son’s wedding planning with his FI, for example, because her parents are in the US and we and the wedding are in England. They are hugely supportive of the wedding but there’s a limit they can do from a different continent!

However, I get the impression that there’s a lot of third party conversations going on and that’s a very quick route to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Can you not all get together and discuss the wedding and how they can help face to face?

Post # 15
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you have to get your FI involved and ask him if his parents truly do want to be involved and if so, how is he going to help enable that involvement. Because you have done all the running so far and don’t seem to have got far. If you don’t think this is going to help then it may be that you just have to accept they won’t be involved as you’d like and get on with planning the wedding with the support you do have. The ball is in their court really and you don’t sound unreasonable to me.

Post # 16
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@blessedbethebride:  No problem.

Since reading more of your replies, your situation makes much more sense, as does your frustration. Steampunkbride’s advice is pretty spot on, if I may say so. 

I wish you the best of luck with your planning. I hope the process goes well and is enjoyable for you, and that these issues get resolved.

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