Post # 1
Ok ladies I’ve got quite the issue on my hands and would enjoy hearing all your opinions or solutions.
First off I want to say this is my second wedding, The first time around my ex husband and I had difficulties getting married by the pastor we wanted as he wanted us to live seperatly before the wedding. We ended up getting married in another city by a retired pastor who was a total stranger and was very impersonal.
This time I have been living with my fiance for a year now, Mostly because of the cost of living. Neither of us make a whole lot of money and its difficult finding an apartment less than $500 a month where we live and with other expenses such as, Utilities, car insurance and payments and any other bills its nearly impossible to live seperatly, and saving money for the wedding on top of that theres no way.
Now, we are both christians and beleive in god, We are nice good hearted people and attend church when we can, but we also both feel its important to live with someone before marrying them, We feel it important to be comfortable living with the other and knowing how they live etc.
Well the church we would like to get married in is a lutheran church we both grew up in and my parents were married in. I know for a fact the pastor is going to have an issue about us living together before marriage. We have also asked around about other local churhes and have a feeling we are going to have the same issue elsewhere. Is it terrible to be dishonest about our living situation in order to get married???
What other options would we have? We are really set on a church wedding and do not want anything outdoors..
I mean I see couples with a child who live together get married after a baby is born, So whats the big deal. I dont feel like we should have to uproot our lives for a year in order to be married in a church. Please let me know what you think- Ashley
Post # 3
@guldanhoney: Well I’m not sure exactly why this would be an issue, but I’m not Christian. I personally think it’s important to live with a person before marrying them. It seems like there are quite a few things in the bible that aren’t permitted, but many churches/Christians overlook certain things and not others (i.e. divorce). I think you might just have to search for one that doesn’t mind you living together. Best of luck!
Post # 4
Could you handle saying you don’t live together? That is what I would do.
Post # 5
@guldanhoney: I wouldn’t be dishonest… if they somehow found out they could refuse to marry you then. And what if it’s a day before the wedding or something.
Maybe you could hire an officiant who you know will marry you, and just ask the church if you could use the church since it has so much meaning to you? Just let them know you’re close with this one officant. You could even do pre-marital counseling with them to drive the point home that you like that officiant.
What we did was found a church that is used for mostly weddings. It was built in 1809, and it is in a park…that way we didn’t have to worry about judgement from anyone.
Good luck! 😀 Let us know how it goes!
Post # 6
My Catholic Church didn’t pass any judgement on us living together. I was really surprised, and then happy that they were so forward thinking!
Post # 7
@guldanhoney: Did you and he both get an Annulment of your last marriages? You may not be able to be married in a church without one anyway
Post # 8
I would try a Unitarian Universalist church if you want a very liberal-minded group. They’re very awesome and fun
Post # 9
I don’t know much about churches as I am not religious, but couldn’t you just lie? Your beliefs shouldn’t have to be exactly the same as theirs, so if that one little detail is a problem for them then they’re being pretty stubborn. Which I know is a problem with churches, but whatever. Just don’t mention it to them!
Post # 10
did you ask or just assume? for a second marriage, i don’t see why they would have a problem with it, but i am not christian.
Post # 11
When we went in for our first session of counseling at our Presbyterian church, we had to fill out a survey first thing. The pastor said “you are living together, right?”, we said yes, and he handed us the survey for couples living together. That’s the ONLY reason he asked! (It had questions about sex and who does what around the house, I guess that’s the difference)
You should NOT have to lie. Not all churches have a negative view of cohabitation before marriage.
If you want the Lutheran church, just go in to talk to the pastor. Worst case scenario is he won’t do it, and that’s his perogative.
Your larger challenge may be finding a church that will marry you if you are not a member or a child of a member. My church only marries members and the children of members.
Post # 12
Does it have to be a church? We are getting married in a masonic temple, and it has a lot of the neat architecture of a church but isn’t a church. There are also wedding chapels that are secular and won’t ask these sorts of questions. You could have a friend get Universal Life Church ordained, and then give him/her a religious ceremony script. You could have as much or as little God as you wanted in the ceremony, and as long as they have their credentials on file at the city hall/county seat in the area you’re marrying, it will be every bit as legal.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2014 - Scottish Rite Cathedral (New Castle, PA)
We were worried about this too but so far no one has said anything. Our pastor had us fill out a sheet when we asked him to marry us (detail stuff about when/where, etc) and there was a check box for living together/not. The DVD we did for pre-marital counseling had an option for living together or not. We also attend a marriage small group at church and there is another engaged couple who are living together as well. No one’s made a fuss so far about anything, maybe you’ll get lucky? I’m not comfortable with lying so FI and I decided ahead of time if our pastor had an issue with it we would just hire an officiant. Thankfully no one’s had any issues! 🙂
Post # 14
Our Catholic church made us aware of why the Catholic Church advises against living together before marriage, but knew we lived together and didn’t pass judgement. They wanted us to be aware of possible problems that can arise from living together before marriage, which was fine and perfectly respectful. They emphasize free will!
It’s no one’s place to judge but God’s, IMO.
If you get married in the more liberal ELCA church (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America), you’ll likely have a much better time of it than in the Missouri or Wisconsin synods. They’re very conservative.
Post # 15
Hmm, that’s kind of tough, I wouldn’t lie about it, maybe just call a bunch of churches and talk to pastors and see if you can find a church that’s OK with it. I grew up in a Lutheran Church, and I am now in a Baptist church, I’ve seen couples get turned down from being married by our pastors because of their living arrangements.
When I got married, we had our pastor do the ceremony in a nice historic church. We paid to rent it, but still had to meet with their pastor. He asked us about our faith and living arrangements , he wouldn’t have rented it to us if we had been living together.
I’m sure you’ll find somewhere that will work for you!
Post # 16
I would just be honest. If they have a problem with it, find a new church. I mean, what are they going to do?