Help! Finding a church okay with us living together already

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
8419 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@guldanhoney:  Well I’m not sure exactly why this would be an issue, but I’m not Christian.  I personally think it’s important to live with a person before marrying them.  It seems like there are quite a few things in the bible that aren’t permitted, but many churches/Christians overlook certain things and not others (i.e. divorce).  I think you might just have to search for one that doesn’t mind you living together.  Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Could you handle saying you don’t live together? That is what I would do.

Post # 5
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@guldanhoney:  I wouldn’t be dishonest… if they somehow found out they could refuse to marry you then. And what if it’s a day before the wedding or something. 

Maybe you could hire an officiant who you know will marry you, and just ask the church if you could use the church since it has so much meaning to you? Just let them know you’re close with this one officant. You could even do pre-marital counseling with them to drive the point home that you like that officiant. 

What we did was found a church that is used for mostly weddings. It was built in 1809, and it is in a park…that way we didn’t have to worry about judgement from anyone. 

Good luck! 😀 Let us know how it goes!

Post # 6
Member
3777 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My Catholic Church didn’t pass any judgement on us living together. I was really surprised, and then happy that they were so forward thinking!

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@guldanhoney:  Did you and he both get an Annulment of your last marriages? You may not be able to be married in a church without one anyway

Post # 8
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would try a Unitarian Universalist church if you want a very liberal-minded group. They’re very awesome and fun

Post # 9
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t know much about churches as I am not religious, but couldn’t you just lie? Your beliefs shouldn’t have to be exactly the same as theirs, so if that one little detail is a problem for them then they’re being pretty stubborn. Which I know is a problem with churches, but whatever. Just don’t mention it to them! 

Post # 10
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

did you ask or just assume? for a second marriage, i don’t see why they would have a problem with it, but i am not christian.

 

Post # 11
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

When we went in for our first session of counseling at our Presbyterian church, we had to fill out a survey first thing. The pastor said “you are living together, right?”, we said yes, and he handed us the survey for couples living together. That’s the ONLY reason he asked! (It had questions about sex and who does what around the house, I guess that’s the difference)

You should NOT have to lie. Not all churches have a negative view of cohabitation before marriage.

If you want the Lutheran church, just go in to talk to the pastor. Worst case scenario is he won’t do it, and that’s his perogative.

Your larger challenge may be finding a church that will marry you if you are not a member or a child of a member. My church only marries members and the children of members.

Post # 12
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Does it have to be a church? We are getting married in a masonic temple, and it has a lot of the neat architecture of a church but isn’t a church. There are also wedding chapels that are secular and won’t ask these sorts of questions. You could have a friend get Universal Life Church ordained, and then give him/her a religious ceremony script. You could have as much or as little God as you wanted in the ceremony, and as long as they have their credentials on file at the city hall/county seat in the area you’re marrying, it will be every bit as legal.

 

Post # 13
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Scottish Rite Cathedral (New Castle, PA)

We were worried about this too but so far no one has said anything. Our pastor had us fill out a sheet when we asked him to marry us (detail stuff about when/where, etc) and there was a check box for living together/not. The DVD we did for pre-marital counseling had an option for living together or not. We also attend a marriage small group at church and there is another engaged couple who are living together as well. No one’s made a fuss so far about anything, maybe you’ll get lucky? I’m not comfortable with lying so FI and I decided ahead of time if our pastor had an issue with it we would just hire an officiant. Thankfully no one’s had any issues! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Our Catholic church made us aware of why the Catholic Church advises against living together before marriage, but knew we lived together and didn’t pass judgement. They wanted us to be aware of possible problems that can arise from living together before marriage, which was fine and perfectly respectful. They emphasize free will!

It’s no one’s place to judge but God’s, IMO.

If you get married in the more liberal ELCA church (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America), you’ll likely have a much better time of it than in the Missouri or Wisconsin synods. They’re very conservative.

Post # 15
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

Hmm, that’s kind of tough, I wouldn’t lie about it, maybe just call a bunch of churches and talk to  pastors and see if you can find a church that’s OK with it. I grew up in a Lutheran Church, and I am now in a Baptist church, I’ve seen couples get turned down from being married by our pastors because of their living arrangements. 

When I got married, we had our pastor do the ceremony in a nice historic church. We paid to rent it, but still had to meet with their pastor. He asked us about our faith and living arrangements , he wouldn’t have rented it to us if we had been living together. 

I’m sure you’ll find somewhere that will work for you!

Post # 16
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I would just be honest. If they have a problem with it, find a new church. I mean, what are they going to do?

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