Help! First major marital problem!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@22newbee14:  Ok, 1st i feel as tho moving back to your hometown is a huge over reaction so I would take that off the table.

2nd, your hubby may have thought he was standing up for the both of you (issues aside) and in his mind ( right or wrong) you hung him out to dry.

In my opnion, make it right with your hubby ( ie say i know you were standing up for us which i appreciate it but your approach could have been a little better…ect) I would recognize that he did try to make it better but he needs a bit of direction in his approach.

 

Then MOVE 🙂 . 3rd, if he says he feels like everything is based around you…listen to him and see if there is validation to the fact. See where he is coming from, even if it is from left field there had to be a reason he is feeling this way and the neighbor situation probably exasturbated it. 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, this is how I look at it – in public, we ALWAYS back the other. Even if we disagree, we are a publicly untied front. At home, we discuss.

For example, we were sitting at a red light, and out of nowhere, we got rear ended. The chick behind us wasn’t paying attention and hit the gas. He came out of the car cursing a blue steak. In public, I absolutely backed him up and didn’t criticize his approach. At home, I mentioned that he might have more positive interactions in these situations if he didn’t start out yelling.  He took that discussion well, partly because he understood that I have his back no matter what.

Post # 5
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I can understand why both of you are upset. He obviously needs to calm down. I can also see how it would be really hurtful of one’s spouse to say they were embarrassing. 

I think you both need to shelf this converasation for a bit so everyone can cool down. This doesn’t sound marriage ending to me. It sounds like you guys are really heated and blowing up the issue – him by saying he wants to move (with or without you) and you saying you’re questioning your marriage. I would schedule a talk about it in a few days. At that time you can both try to stay calm and talk about the issues without questioning your relationship. If that’s not possible you could try writing letters to each other or seeking counseling. 

You both need to remember not to say things out of anger that you can not take back. Best of luck. 

Post # 6
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m curious about the problems you and your husband were having earlier in your marriage, to be honest. Could it still be a problem between you and your husband? 

What is it about your lives that he feels revolves around you? Has he told you specifically what he’s talking about when he says that? 

Honestly, I see why your husband is upset about this. As inappropriate as his comments to the neighbor were, the fact of the matter is that the neighbor is playing music loudly enough to annoy his neighbors and knock pictures off the wall. I’m not one of those people who thinks a person should side with their spouse when they are clearly wrong, but the neighbor’s behavior is being pardoned while your husband’s behavior, which comes from real aggravation from an ongoing situation, is now the focal point. That seems unreasonable to me. 

I don’t think this issue has much to do with you and your husband getting married young. I think it’s much more likely that you and he may not be compatible. Age probably has very little to do with it. 

I do think the two of you need to sit down together, when you aren’t arguing or angry at each other, and talk about what is happening in your relationship. What’s working and what isn’t working, what you like about the relationship and what you don’t like, what you want in the relationship and what you don’t want, what you think you need to improve about yourself, and what relationship skills you need to learn — each of you could write these things down and share them with each other. 

Working on the relationship and yourselves as individuals is a good idea. Maybe you and he could try that out before ending the marriage or splitting up. 

Post # 7
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@22newbee14:  my opinion only: He wants peace in his home, I would too. Let him solve this first and be on his side. AFTERWARDS, (when you both can look on this reflexively) it a better time to discuss his anger issues. Then you can decide if you need to leave him for compatability reasons, not when you are looking right at the worst part of his behaviours. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sometimes when people are called out on bad behavior they like to deflect, hence they get into unrelated arguments where you are to “blame”.

You have every right to privately discuss your opinions on his aggressive approach…especially as it affects you as well.

As for the threat of him returning to your hometown, is this just something he is saying because he knows it will get a rise out of you and further deflect the attention on his bad behavior? Or is this really a deep rooted desire of his that he is only brave enough to share when emotions are high?

 

Post # 9
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand why you are upset. Obviously there is more to the tension between you and your husband, but honestly, you and your husband should be calling the police to issue noise complaints whenever your neighbor makes unreasonably loud noise. Neither of you should be “taking it into your own hands,” nor should you be driven out of your apartment by a disrespectful neighbor. You are both overreacting in a way, but for sure moving forward you should be calling the police to complain about the noise rather than going over there and getting into fights.

Post # 14
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@22newbee14:  Of course you are! I’d be really hurt too. 🙁

Does your DH have any connections to the community you are currently in? Really close friendships, job connections, etc or is it just a place where he goes to school? Not having a tie to a community can really make a person homesick.

 

Post # 16
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@22newbee14:  Ugh I’m sorry…any way you can kind of push him to branch out? Double date with a coworker who has a cool husband?

I guarantee he’s feeling really isolated in your current community and can’t help but idealize the home town situation.

I live in my DH’s hometown (which I didn’t want to do, but a good job opportunity presented itself) and it’s better than I thought it would be, but there’s definitely times I’d love to run right back to my hometown…generally happens when we’re fighting, and I suddenly feel all alone. 

I think that you need to let this whole neighbor situation naturally simmer down, and once everyone has their wits about them again, bring up the hometown issue (when he seems more likely to be open to discussion). In my opinion, he is using this guise of you being selfish to make it more acceptable for him to return home without feeling badly.

I really think this is probably the true issue you are dealing with, and this neighbor thing is just unearthing some deep rooted issues.

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