HELP! FMIL is asking for list of shower guest's spending…

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@FutureCuomo6610:  can you tell her what they got you? And then have her figure out the price? My mom would probably want to know too so she doesn’t spend too little on someone. 

 

Post # 4
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FutureCuomo6610:  I totally agree with your FI – ignore the request. It’s completely out of line. It’s ok to casually ask “what did you get from X” if X is a close friend of hers. But a list – not her business.

She’s his mom, he knows how to deal with her. If she does get pushy about in future, let FI do the talking.

Post # 6
Member
3955 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

What part of “none of her business”  does she not understand???????

Post # 7
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@FutureCuomo6610: to be honest, I don’t see your FMIL’s request that big of a deal. A similar situation happened with my sister and her MOH when it cames to the moms and the showers.

My sister had her shower in June 2011. She invited her MOH’s mom to the shower. Everyone had a lovely time. Fast forward to May 2013, and my sis’ MOH had her shower, and she invited my mom to the shower. My mom asked my sister how much her MOH’s mom spent on her, because she wanted to give the same amount to her MOH. My mom wanted to prevent any hurt feelings by making sure the amount was the same, rather than giving less than my sister received from her MOH’s mom. My mom had the best intentions in mind when she asked my sister.

 

ETA: the same situation happened when it came time for the weddings.  My sister privately and discreetly told my mom. I don’t even know what the amount was. Again, it was done to avoid giving a fair amount.

 

For your sitaution, it’s totally up to you. I would follow your FI’s advice, since he obviously know his mom well. 

 

Post # 8
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper

We had the same request with wedding gifts and for the same reason.   While it was, I suppose, strictly speaking, no one  else’s business,  I also didn’t see the big deal and within the immediate family really had no problem with telling.  

Post # 9
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@weddingmaven:   @mrs-to-be-2014:  yea I agree with you girls. I don’t really see th big deal, maybe because its such common place in my family, but I personally would just tell. That’s just me though. 

Post # 10
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@FoxyBride14:  @weddingmaven:  I was afraid I would catch alot of flack for not going against the OP’s FMIL’s request. I actually chickened out in posting before I actually did.

I mean, I wouldn’t be spreading the information out like it was the daily news, but to my mom and FMIL if she asked, I would privately tell them, because I know that they’re asking because they need to reciprocate.

Post # 12
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@FutureCuomo6610:  can you do it on a “need to know” basis. Maybe not provide her with a full list from FI’s side of the family, but when for example, Cousin Sally gets married in 2015, you let your FMIL know prior to the shower that Cousin’s Sally’s Mom, Aunt Sue bought you ___/spent ___ amount of dollars at your shower, therefore your FMIL should do the same….?

Post # 13
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would tell her that I’m uncomfortable giving her that information.  I never try to give people gifts that equal the value of what they give me.  I focus on giving them something that’s above all meaningful.  My main present to my parents this past Christmas only cost $35, but since it was a hand-crafted figurine that I’d commissioned of their cherished dog that they had to put down earlier in the year, it was absolutely priceless to them.

Plus, as somebody with family members who are amazingly skilled at finding a good deal, the price they paid doesn’t always correlate with the value of the item.  There are just so many reasons why gifts shouldn’t be used to keep score.

Post # 15
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@FutureCuomo6610:  I see no harm in your giving your FMIL a list of what her  friends and family gave to you for your shower, in the format of:  Millie — a cutting board and crock pot; Daphne — a Keurig; Sarah — a fondue set; Anne — a set of sheets, etc.  I would not even consider attempting to assign a cost value to any of these items, however. Since all of these gifts were opened in public at the shower, you would not be revealing any secrets by providing her with such a list.  If your FMIL chooses to then online and assign a price to each of these items, that is her business.  However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you providing her with a simple, factual list.

Post # 16
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@FutureCuomo6610:  I understand your concerns about the relationships based on how much you were given by which family member. Hopefully if you postpone giving it to her, she might forget about it after a while (I know, wishful thinking…) Wink

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