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My FMIL has a very bright and flashy taste. She loves sequins and dresses like she owns a bedazzler. My mom just lost 40 pounds in the past few months so she could look good for my wedding. I'm so proud of her! She bought a mauve colored dress and looks awesome.
So when my mom and I were shopping with my FMIL for her dress, she tried a bunch on and at that time, I told her that buying a red dress probably wouldn't be a good idea. Why? 1. She would clash with my mom in her mauve dress. 2. My colors are champagne, pink and ivory. The bridesmaid dresses are champagne so no one else is wearing anything close to red.
So guess what FMIL did? She bought a red dress with alot of ruffles and a big sequined brooch at the bodice. Not only will this stand out so much in the pictures but I'm upset that she didn't respect my wishes.
I am also concerned that her daughter, my FSIL was there with her when she bought it and thought it was ok. She is one of my bridesmaids.
So I of course want her to return the dress (which she has 90 days to do) and buy something in a lighter color. Our wedding is in June so she still has time.
But then I thought, am I being old-fashioned? Are the days when FMIL were supposed to "show up, shut up and wear beige" gone? It's funny because my FMIL would often say this phrase and joke about how that's what she was going to do. I wish she would practice what she preaches. I'm also scared to bring this up in front of her daughter (my FSIL) because she will side with her mom.
Any thoughts? Should I ask her to buy a new dress or let her do what she wants? How much control does a bride have over what the FMIL wears?
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ok, "control" "Let her wear what she wants" dont look now - but your inner-zilla is coming out!
please save the stress on yourself and leave it alone - i know to you, it's YOUR wedding day, but to her, she's saying "gbye" to her baby boy - let her celebrate it and wear her red dress... in the long scheme of things, you'll save ill feelings, an awkward sitch with u and the hubbs - all for a silly red dress...
wedding attire isnt playing dress up with dolls - these are real people and no matter what, people are going to do what they want - if you tell her she cant wear her dress, then she's going to find another way to inject HER own personality in what she wears...
focus on what's important - building a future with your fh - red dress or no red dress - the wedding day isnt as important as the actual marriage...
ok off my soap box now...
Per etiquette, and just being nice, she is not supposed to be more formally dressed or draw more attention than the mother of the bride. I'd have your FI or maybe you FSIL drop her a hint-if she gets upset, she gets upset. Just gently say that it's a nice dress, but not really appropriate for your wedding.I don't think you're being bridezillay at all-my mother would be furious if my FMIL bought something like that. Or have her ask a question in the Mothers section of
It's free and the questions are answered by experts.
I would totally be as you are right now if this was happening to me. Actually probably worse....lol.
However, I think that after a few days - with the talking to from the gals on here and some time to think I would come to this conclusion.
If she wants to look like Liberace's Parrott, let her. Chances are most everyone else there will think she's over the top - know her personality and not have expected anything less from her. Every one will love her the same - and still focus on you the whole day ;-)
Not only that - are you planning to frame and hang those traditional family photos up after you get them back? I know I'm not, and I don't really know anyone who has....they go in an album that people look through and comment on. Maybe in 10 years you'll look back and laugh at how much she stands out in them and you'll think "Wow, I was so worried about that thing"
All that said, on the flip side - if you think you can breech the subject with her with out starting a family fued....I say it's worth talking about if that will make you feel better right now. But if it's going to turn into the next HBO Fight Special...let it go. There's not much you can do.
Good luck and keep me updated!
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Do you watch Whose Wedding is it Anyway? The same thing happened to a bride on that show. If you go to the link below.
http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/whosewedding/index.jsp
A video player comes up on the main page, scroll down to the 6th picture (one you roll over it, it says "Whose Wedding: Scene Stealer"). You have to watch it for a bit (a few minutes), but I think the way the planner handles the situation is really good and you might be able to get some tips!
The FMIL ends up wearing the dress, but hopefully it will work out differently for you.
i just saw a "whose wedding is it anyway?" this past weekend where the FMIL wore a bright red dress!
what does your mom think about this? i agree with ninanina, the MOB shouldn't be upstaged by the MOG. my mom would also be PISSED if that happened. if your mom's okay with it though, i think this is one battle you should just let go. gaining goodwill with the FMIL is always a good thing, imo.
If you're mostly worried about how she will look in the formal photos, could you suggest to her that she use that as her reception dress and choose another in a paler color for the ceremony?
From personal experience, even if you feel it would be ok to say something or tell someone else to say something to her it will probably not go over well no matter how nicely it is said. . . It sucks to be told "suck it up" because I would feel bad just like you but that is the only way. Let her wear it.
Everyone else will see how ostentatiously she is dressed and comment amongst themselves. That is your consolation.
Similar thing is going to happen to me with my FSMIL and my mom but I can't do anything about it so I'm just gonna smile and have fun at my wedding (and maybe get an inner chuckle out of it) (FSMIL is on her way to losing 30 pounds - she is not that big- for my wedding and is wearing very showy clothing and jewelry which she won't even show me because "it is a surprise") Just remember, at least you know and have time to come to terms with the fact that she will be standing out in red.
As annoyed as I am sure I would be as well, I think you might be best leaving this alone. If she is dead set on this dress and it will cause a strain between the two of you, it is not worth it. You only have to deal with the red dress for a day, she'll be your MIL for life though.... no need to start off on the wrong foot.
I don't even know what to say. Yes, its totally inappropriate. Why in the world did she ask you what she should get if she was only going to do whatever she wanted anyway? It seems very passive-aggressive to me.
I think you have three choices - one of which is to do nothing. One of which is to wait until you are asked what you think of the dress, and let her know nicely that you think it's not appropriate, and that you really wish she had gotten something that would look a little nicer in the group photos, as the red is not going to go with the colors everybody else is wearing. (Maybe for a Christmas wedding, but June? Really.) And the third choice is to have your FI talk to her, let her know that while she's not expected to "match" like a BM, she is also not just a guest, and she should get something that will go a little better for the photos.
If nothing works, just make sure you get lots of pictures with you and your parents, you and the groom and your parents, your mom and dad alone, you and your mom and the BMs... in short, lots of pictures without FMIL! As well as pictures with her, of course. But if you are really bothered by the clashing photos, you can only include shots in your album of FMIL/FFIL, FMIL/FFIL/groom, the four of you... and only photos of your mom in company in which she shines the way she deserves!
Hey just remember--any framed photos of her just have printed in black and white! No red to worry about later! 
Best of Luck to you!
I gotta say I hate when people get up in arms over brides being "bridezilla." You only get one wedding! It's not like you've thrown a fit and threatened to leave your FI; you're just asking other brides-to-be what they would do.
I don't think you are being a zilla about this. There is a predetermined ettiqutte for chosing of the MOB/MOG dresses. MOB chooses first, MOG goes second and doesn't wear same color as MOB, BMs or bride.
I understand your anger. Your parents, specifically your mother, have worked hard to provide you with a fabulous wedding day and his mother is going out of her way to stand out.
That said, I don't think there is much you can say. I don't know what you relationship is like, but it sounds like you already "hinted" about wearing a more neutral color and she didn't bite. If this is a discussion you can have with your FI, have it and see what he says. If not, bite the bullet and know that people will think she is nuts for wearing red! Sorry we don't have better answers!
I think what mrsbic said is great–have any pictures of her made in black and white! Wouldn't have thought of that...
Let it go...
This is the first of many LITTLE things that are going to come up between you and your new family over the years. If you want them to take you seriously when a BIG thing comes up, don't waste your ammo on this.
I like mrsbic's idea of B&W photos (or alert your photogs to "mute" the red a little in Photoshop.)
The posed, family group photos are just a small part of the shots you will have of the day and honestly, from my experience the ones you will won't care much about in the future-- because they are kind of boring and awkward by nature.
Deep breath and move on..... 
Not sure I would be able to let it go... your fmil's dress is supposed to be a complimentary color to the motb dress -- I would sit down with her and have a talk. But, I am also not afraid of confrontation. I told my fmil that after my mom bought her dress, I would give her the color choice, length, and style that I want her to buy. So far, so good.
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Why even think about what she is wearing? I say let all mothers wear what they like. If she clashes in the photographs, so be it. You are marrying into her family, the photos are just documenting that day.
my fmil can wear whatever she wants to wear, honestly. it would be too small for me to even think about. good luck!!
Calicoteach, I could not agree with you more...
my FMIL is definitely going to be a headache, and I've already had my finace sit down with her. I wouldnt let it go. She should be complimentary to the wedding not a sore thumb. Ettiquite says the same thing.
Best of Luck.
My FMIL decided to wear an ivory dress. I nearly fell over. But honestly, it doesn't look bride-y... but still... I was tremendously annoyed at first, but at this point, I couldn't care less.
Good luck!
HIJACK AHEAD - but this p!sses me off...
HASELWAND~ if you're goin to call me out - just do it - we're all grown here and if you think it was out of line of me to call someone else a bridezilla then just be direct about it
and there is a reason the term "bridezilla" was coined - b/c of all the girls who want the perfect perfect day down to the last ridiculous and non-sensical detail, all of which will not matter - nor will anyone remember...
it's about the control that some women think they will have over every aspect of this one day - not even thinking about what's going to happen after... do we think to ourselves "what ways could I be more supportive of my fh; what things would he like incorported into our celebration, even if I hate them? how are we going to serve the Lord (if the couple is of faith) together and as individuals?"
it's the utter narrowness of mind of people painfully trying to match shades of melon and ordering their BPs around like they really ARE maids, not acknowledging one iota that this is a new time and BPs have their own lives and honestly dont want to be bothered with weekends looking and trying on dresses they'll never wear again... or getting newletters updating th BP and family about the perfect ribbon to have names and wedding dates printed on to wrap the favors in - nooooobody cares except us brides-to-be... and frankly even i dont care that much about mine - this is why i hired a coordinator - i trust she'll do her job and i dont need to tell her how to do her job... i mean i care, but i wont have a fit if it's not perfect...
it's the constant complaining and whining "This is my day" etc... get over it - it's not only your day - it's his day too... it's the "i'm a princess" attitude... hello - last time i checked none of us live inside a movie or a fairy tale
so i just went off on a tangent, but really, my post was just to advise a fellow btb to relax about FMIL's red dress... i get the feeling that if she's told to not wear the red dress, FMIL's personality will just manifest in her wearing shiny sequined shoes or something else equally flashy... so why not just let her wear what she wants???
sorry for the rant, but really this sh!t drives me nuts - there are more things to be concerned with than just the wedding day - and sometimes it just doesnt seem like the marriage is as important to people as the wedding...
HIJACK OVER
Hi peachgirl25! How sad that your FMIL didn't obey your wishes in terms of colors, but I don't think you should worry about it too much. This is how I view it: your wedding color scheme is pink, champagne, and ivory. Your mom (congrats to her for losing that weight!) is wearing mauve; it will all look so beautiful together. That color scheme will dominate and it will be obvious that the red doesn't belong, making the FMIL stand out in a bad way. She won't steal the show, she'll seem as if she doesn't know what colors coordinate. Don't worry about it; this won't be a reflection on you but, unfortunately, a negative reflection on her.
And I love the suggestion of printing the pictures she appears in in black and white!
OK, my FMIL is a bit brash and forward, but wouldn't go this far. However, it is not bridezilla-ish to wish everyone in the wedding family would complement each other. It is not like you are complaining that her shoes are going to be brown when everyone is wearing black. Yes, it is one day, but this is what weddings are- people dress up to complement each other to look nice in the pictures that someone is paying a lot of money for. And it's one day to celebrate the couple, not have attention on someone else (even if it is just making comments).
Unfortunately, your FI has to talk to his mom in a polite, to the point way stating that she should choose a more subdued color to not stick out in the pictures. And if she is doing this out of spite or to steal attention (your call since I do not know), then fudge it a little and have him say "Mom, you'll clash with me and Sister (and whoever else is in his family in the WP) in pictures, we haven't had nice pictures done in a long time, blah blah blah."
Yes, sneaky, but really, this is red, the one color that really isn't acceptable to wear to weddings as a guest (at least American ones). I believe it is in a Miss Manners book somewhere, have your FI bring one :)
Good luck, and no matter what happens, just remember, there are ways to work around it with the photographer- taking multiple shots without her, Photoshop and B&W, don't let it ruin your day!
My sister's MIL chose three dresses:
1 - Periwinkle, the color she knew our mother was wearing.
2 - WHITE!!! Not ivory or cream, WHITE! She then went around and ranted about how "apparrrrrently you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding, whateverrrr!!!" (I'm so glad I wasn't there)
3 - Wine, the color of the bridesmaid dresses
Eventually she ended up in... a sort of beige. LOL
I would ask your FMIL if she's only going to order the B&W photos and no color ones and when she asks why, explain you were wondering b/c her dress is going to clash horribly and you don't want her to have pictures where she looks bad. :-D
Natakie, I think maybe you've got it wrong - you're not supposed to wear white to an American wedding. You're not supposed to wear red to an Indian wedding (because its the color the bride wears, in both cases). Black is also a little iffy, although if its a formal, evening event I think you can just get away with it.
My sister's colors were black, white, and red (she was married between Thanksgiving and Christmas) and my mother wore red (BMs wore black). She looked great. But in that case, it went with the color scheme...
Weddings cause some family members to go a little cuckoo. Yes, it's supposed to be about you and your FI and the journey you're about to take together.
But because it's such a big, public display that her son is "leaving" her to start his own life & family, I think your FMIL is has decided that she'd like a little attention, too, and she's going to get it by wearing a bright color.
There's definitely an unspoken understanding that you're not supposed to upstage a bride, but seriously, no one is going to mistake who's the belle of the ball. You're going to be in a white gown & veil!
I think you're more annoyed that FMIL is showing such a lack of consideration for you, which I can't fault you for. It's ridiculous! I don't think it's worth it to cause a big family drama over it, though.
The pictures will be over quickly and you don't have to display any of them in your house. Let her run around in her gawdy dress, and everyone will be thinking the same thing...that she's starving for attention at her own son's wedding, and isn't that a little sad?
Hi Suzanno, I was just speaking from a guest's point of view, red catches the eye, so I meant it in the sense that black is ok to wear now, but red is still iffy in a scene stealing sense (unless there is a theme of course!). I think I read about it being "official" etiquette on the Etiquette board I frequent, I will try to find the link.
This is all coming from a bride who is wearing a red dress, so please don't think I'm trying to insult anyone :)
I can honestly say that I don't recall what any of the MIL's wore at the last 10 weddings I attended. I do remember how the brides looked... and not so much the dresses but how happy the brides actually looked when they walked down the aisle. I didn't know (or really care) about wedding attire "ettiquette" until I read about it in a bridal magazine (and we all know the magazines are really only trying to sell you something...).
I agree with Anti-Zilla's first post. In the grand scheme of a marriage, the colors the relatives wear on a particular day aren't that important.
Let's keep it all in perspective. What's the worst that can happen if MOH wears a red dress? She'll feel fabulous in the dress she chose, but it might look odd in the 4-5 posed pictures that include both sides of the families. Your mom will also look fabulous and no doubt receive a lot of attention from family members and friends who notice her weight loss (this will be a much more exciting accomplishment than the color of a dress!).
How many 8x10's of your extended family were you planning to order? These shots usually end up in an album, not on the wall. Most of my married friends frame pics of the bride & groom or the entire bridal party for display in their home. With the current trend toward wedding photojournalism, aren't most people opting to capture the moments how they happen rather than staging something fake?
Anti-Zilla,
Just like bride should not be an incosiderate jerk (which basically your rant seems to say in a nutshell) neither should anyone else, regardless of a wedding or an everyday situation.
Our society is governed by certain social and cultural codes and choosing to flout those codes is not an issue in itself (color of the dress) but more the symbollic meaning - disrespect to the two people whom the celebration is supposed to honor - the bride and groom.
Also, an ugly color is aesthetically displeasing and to many people aesthetics are a priority. Neither you nor I have the right to judge people's priorities in issues of taste.
Overall, I find your tone very condescending and judgemental. Just because I care about the colors of my ribbon does not mean my fiance does not have input incorporated in the wedding. Just because I spent tones of time deciding on the right font, does not mean we have not had serious discussions about our new life together.
My mom and I have had many wonderful moments picking out and brainstorming those little details that noone else will notice. Maybe this is not the case for you but I have been honored to be a part of my friends' wedding parties and shopping for bridesmaids dresses was a lot of fun - not a "bother." Many people embrace the little or big events that are part of wedding planning as an opportunity to spend quality time with their friends and family, express themselves as a couple, and just have fun. I don't know why hiring a coordinator makes you so superior to people who are "painfully trying to match shades of melon." Trying to demean other peoples' choices and priorities is just in bad taste.
Wow. Thank you everyone for the great advice. This has helped me see both sides to this. It's a fine line between being controlling and choosing my battles.
Well I have decided to fight this battle. Although it won't be as hard as I originally thought....
My fiance talked last night with my FMIL and dropped some hints that he didn't think a red dress would be appropriate (which he really does believe). She admitted to him that she bought the red dress thinking it might not be a good idea but wanted to see what we thought. She also said she had no problem returning it and buying a new one.
I haven't talked to her yet but it looks this can be resolved and that she's not totally crazy and did have some idea that a red dress probably wasn't the best choice.
But all of your comments have helped me realize that is important to let her wear something that she will love and feel comfortable in.
So I'm going to suggest a lighter color but also realize her personality will probably shine through in whatever dress she buys. So I'll suggest something that matches my color scheme while realizing I probably won't love the dress - we just don't have the same style (but who really does with their FMIL?) and that her jewelry, shoes and maybe even her hair is going to be a little crazy also but that's what everyone expects from her and loves her for.
But I think it is important enough to me that she matches but the rest I will leave to her. Maybe even go shopping with her and make a fun day for her and I out of it. But don't worry, I won't be too controliing. I will let her pick what she wants within reason. So I'm suggesting that she stays away from red, black, hot pink, ha ha, just to have my bases covered which it sounds like she does understand.
Oh and how great is my fiance? I love that he took ownership of this and didn't bring me into it. He figured my FMIL has to love him no matter what, right? He made it seem like this was something between him and her and left me out of it. What a great guy! That's one of the reasons I'm marrying him.
So does this sound like a good plan?
Thanks again for all your help!
That sounds excellent peachgirl! I'm so happy it looks like this is going to work out for you!
So, I have a question. Why is the mother of the groom supposed to be dressed in the shadow of the mother of the bride? Multiple people said that the MOG shouldn't upstage her, should be dressed just slightly less formal, stand back shut up and wear beige, etc.... but WHY? Didn't the mother of the groom play every bit as much of a role in creating the wedding (aka having the groom) as the mother of the bride? I just don't understand the logic here -- if we're just going to shove the groom and his family aside, why even have one? Why not have the ceremony for everyone and then the great big party for just the bride and everyone celebrates her and we don't invite the groom and his family?
I'm not trying to offend anyone, I just don't understand the tradition. This is why I've always hated bridal showers too and favored an engagement party for BOTH of us rather than a shower, because HE is the reason why I am getting married. We are not celebrating ME, we are celebrating US, so why should he not be included every bit as much as me?
Julieulie, thank you for pointing that out. A lot of the "etiquette" stuff out there is so antiquated, mostly due to the old traditions that the bride's family paid for everything. A wedding is this big ceremonial thing based around the virginal bride! That's why she wore white.
I am a polite person with manners, and am not advocating bucking every tradition and doing outrageous things. I adhered to some of the traditions like wearing a white dress, doing a ceremony & reception, etc. But the bottom line is that no one is up on wedding etiquette except for those who are planning a wedding and reading it in magazines & books.
I like to think that we've progressed a little bit and weddings are definitely now more focused on the actual union of the bride & groom and incorporates their personalities more, and not some cookie cutter wedding that you planned because you read an Emily Post book. Follow the guidelines, but you don't have to stick to EVERYTHING they say. Make it what you want.
I just told my mom and my FMIL that my sister (MOH and the only BM) will be wearing rose-pink, that the colors are rose, lilac, and cranberry, and that something in the lilac or cranberry family, or a color that goes with those choices and is not rose (a paler pink, an eggplant, a dove grey) would be wonderful. My FMIL has bought a nice dress in a sort of lavender-grey; we'll see what my mom comes up with. I don't think either one should be trying to outshine the other - we are, after all, going to be one family to some extent, and possibly the correct thing to do is try to look harmonious.
Here's what we told FI's daughter, who wanted to wear turquoise: If you were a guest, that would be just fine. But you're not - you're family, and we are paying a photographer a ridiculous amount of money to be there all day long, in a large part to get really nice pictures of us as a family. So to some extent we should dress as we would if we were getting a family portrait - in other words, in clothes that don't clash with each other. (She's now found a nice dress in a pink, grey, and black pattern - definately her style, but will go well with the rest of us.)
While it's true that "it's just one day," it is also one day in which you are spending a total of thousands of dollars for photography and videography, with the end result being some of the most expensive family portraits you will every buy. So to expect people who will be in the portraits to dress appropriately is not out of line. (Although to control the details of the dress for people not in the actual bridal party would be...)
I'm so glad that your FMIL is happy to reconsider. It's interesting that she bought the dress while thinking it was probably not appropriate (!) However, watching my mom and FMIL shop, it seems to me that they are actually more worried about their dresses than I was about my wedding gown, so probably she's mostly just nervous. (Although I'm still laughing about the "Liberace's Parrot" line.)
Yay peachgirl! I'm glad the situation worked out and there weren't any horrible issues behind it!
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Also - haselwand - I disagree. I never expected my FMIL to wait on my mom to buy her dress; why should she? Especially since we are now at three months out and my mom shows no signs of actually finding a dress. She asked me whether she should get short or long, and in what color scheme, and after that she was good to go IMO. If my mom wanted first choice of colors she should have gotten in gear way before this. But seriously, she could end up waiting until just weekd before (knowing her). There's no way I would expect FMIL to run around at the last minute just because my mom can't pull the trigger at Nordstrom.
I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to attack anyone! I love Weddingbee because (most of the time) it is an attack-free-zone unlike the Knot where it is cliquetastic and everyone throws insults! Yuck. Since you can't hear me say this (and that is part of the problem with the internet, tone says so much!), I am saying it in a very nonthreatening, nice voice! :)
I'm sorry Anti-zilla thinks I called her out. I have become very offended by "bridezilla" recently. I just don't like that if a bride has a problem with anything EVERYONE (family, friends, bees, FI) pulls out the "bridezilla" card over things that really aren't that bridezilla. For example, my aunt and mother did it to me after I said my bridesmaids could wear their hair however they wanted and whatever shoes they chose (dresses are long, black). My aunt proceed to tell me that I needed to tell her daughter/my cousin to wear her hair curly that the dresses were too formal for stick straight hair. When I got a little upset and said I wasn't going to tell people how to wear their hair, my aunt called me bridezilla.... what the heck? I'm trying NOT to be a control freak! I guess I am just hyper senstive about the word and sick of people throwing it around whenever you say anything about what you want or would like for you wedding.
Ettiqutte can be used or not used; it is there to set a precident, but you certainly don't have to follow it. Suzanno, in your situation, I understand, of course the MOG isn't going to wait. Your mother hasn't found anything yet. My FMIL is looking now (at her own suggestion, not mine) after my mother, but with PLENTY of time. However, my mother kind of accidentally found a dress. Had she not, they would both be looking simultaneously.
I dont think the MOG or MOB should stand out one more than the other, but two people should stand out: the bride and groom. This day is the beginning of their marriage and the beginning of a family; an argument over a dress would not allow that to begin on a good note. That is exactly why I suggested she not say anything more unless her FI deemed it okay or she thought it would be appropriate. In my case, I would let her wear the red dress without saying anything because I am a wuss.
Anyhow, that's all. Sorry if anything I said upsets you! That was not my intention. I love all you bees even with our different opinions!
If it makes you feel any better, my FMIL is wearing a cocktail length black dress to my early evening wedding.
In mourning?
Even though it irks me on the inside, I'm not saying anything. Its on her. I, on the other hand, would prefer something long and with a little color.
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