My FMIL has a very bright and flashy taste. She loves sequins and dresses like she owns a bedazzler. My mom just lost 40 pounds in the past few months so she could look good for my wedding. I'm so proud of her! She bought a mauve colored dress and looks awesome.
So when my mom and I were shopping with my FMIL for her dress, she tried a bunch on and at that time, I told her that buying a red dress probably wouldn't be a good idea. Why? 1. She would clash with my mom in her mauve dress. 2. My colors are champagne, pink and ivory. The bridesmaid dresses are champagne so no one else is wearing anything close to red.
So guess what FMIL did? She bought a red dress with alot of ruffles and a big sequined brooch at the bodice. Not only will this stand out so much in the pictures but I'm upset that she didn't respect my wishes.
I am also concerned that her daughter, my FSIL was there with her when she bought it and thought it was ok. She is one of my bridesmaids.
So I of course want her to return the dress (which she has 90 days to do) and buy something in a lighter color. Our wedding is in June so she still has time.
But then I thought, am I being old-fashioned? Are the days when FMIL were supposed to "show up, shut up and wear beige" gone? It's funny because my FMIL would often say this phrase and joke about how that's what she was going to do. I wish she would practice what she preaches. I'm also scared to bring this up in front of her daughter (my FSIL) because she will side with her mom.
Any thoughts? Should I ask her to buy a new dress or let her do what she wants? How much control does a bride have over what the FMIL wears?
ok, "control" "Let her wear what she wants" dont look now - but your inner-zilla is coming out!
please save the stress on yourself and leave it alone - i know to you, it's YOUR wedding day, but to her, she's saying "gbye" to her baby boy - let her celebrate it and wear her red dress... in the long scheme of things, you'll save ill feelings, an awkward sitch with u and the hubbs - all for a silly red dress...
wedding attire isnt playing dress up with dolls - these are real people and no matter what, people are going to do what they want - if you tell her she cant wear her dress, then she's going to find another way to inject HER own personality in what she wears...
focus on what's important - building a future with your fh - red dress or no red dress - the wedding day isnt as important as the actual marriage...
Per etiquette, and just being nice, she is not supposed to be more formally dressed or draw more attention than the mother of the bride. I'd have your FI or maybe you FSIL drop her a hint-if she gets upset, she gets upset. Just gently say that it's a nice dress, but not really appropriate for your wedding.I don't think you're being bridezillay at all-my mother would be furious if my FMIL bought something like that. Or have her ask a question in the Mothers section of
I would totally be as you are right now if this was happening to me. Actually probably worse....lol.
However, I think that after a few days - with the talking to from the gals on here and some time to think I would come to this conclusion.
If she wants to look like Liberace's Parrott, let her. Chances are most everyone else there will think she's over the top - know her personality and not have expected anything less from her. Every one will love her the same - and still focus on you the whole day ;-)
Not only that - are you planning to frame and hang those traditional family photos up after you get them back? I know I'm not, and I don't really know anyone who has....they go in an album that people look through and comment on. Maybe in 10 years you'll look back and laugh at how much she stands out in them and you'll think "Wow, I was so worried about that thing"
All that said, on the flip side - if you think you can breech the subject with her with out starting a family fued....I say it's worth talking about if that will make you feel better right now. But if it's going to turn into the next HBO Fight Special...let it go. There's not much you can do.
A video player comes up on the main page, scroll down to the 6th picture (one you roll over it, it says "Whose Wedding: Scene Stealer"). You have to watch it for a bit (a few minutes), but I think the way the planner handles the situation is really good and you might be able to get some tips!
The FMIL ends up wearing the dress, but hopefully it will work out differently for you.
i just saw a "whose wedding is it anyway?" this past weekend where the FMIL wore a bright red dress!
what does your mom think about this? i agree with ninanina, the MOB shouldn't be upstaged by the MOG. my mom would also be PISSED if that happened. if your mom's okay with it though, i think this is one battle you should just let go. gaining goodwill with the FMIL is always a good thing, imo.
If you're mostly worried about how she will look in the formal photos, could you suggest to her that she use that as her reception dress and choose another in a paler color for the ceremony?
From personal experience, even if you feel it would be ok to say something or tell someone else to say something to her it will probably not go over well no matter how nicely it is said. . . It sucks to be told "suck it up" because I would feel bad just like you but that is the only way. Let her wear it.
Everyone else will see how ostentatiously she is dressed and comment amongst themselves. That is your consolation.
Similar thing is going to happen to me with my FSMIL and my mom but I can't do anything about it so I'm just gonna smile and have fun at my wedding (and maybe get an inner chuckle out of it) (FSMIL is on her way to losing 30 pounds - she is not that big- for my wedding and is wearing very showy clothing and jewelry which she won't even show me because "it is a surprise") Just remember, at least you know and have time to come to terms with the fact that she will be standing out in red.
As annoyed as I am sure I would be as well, I think you might be best leaving this alone. If she is dead set on this dress and it will cause a strain between the two of you, it is not worth it. You only have to deal with the red dress for a day, she'll be your MIL for life though.... no need to start off on the wrong foot.
I don't even know what to say. Yes, its totally inappropriate. Why in the world did she ask you what she should get if she was only going to do whatever she wanted anyway? It seems very passive-aggressive to me.
I think you have three choices - one of which is to do nothing. One of which is to wait until you are asked what you think of the dress, and let her know nicely that you think it's not appropriate, and that you really wish she had gotten something that would look a little nicer in the group photos, as the red is not going to go with the colors everybody else is wearing. (Maybe for a Christmas wedding, but June? Really.) And the third choice is to have your FI talk to her, let her know that while she's not expected to "match" like a BM, she is also not just a guest, and she should get something that will go a little better for the photos.
If nothing works, just make sure you get lots of pictures with you and your parents, you and the groom and your parents, your mom and dad alone, you and your mom and the BMs... in short, lots of pictures without FMIL! As well as pictures with her, of course. But if you are really bothered by the clashing photos, you can only include shots in your album of FMIL/FFIL, FMIL/FFIL/groom, the four of you... and only photos of your mom in company in which she shines the way she deserves!
I gotta say I hate when people get up in arms over brides being "bridezilla." You only get one wedding! It's not like you've thrown a fit and threatened to leave your FI; you're just asking other brides-to-be what they would do.
I don't think you are being a zilla about this. There is a predetermined ettiqutte for chosing of the MOB/MOG dresses. MOB chooses first, MOG goes second and doesn't wear same color as MOB, BMs or bride.
I understand your anger. Your parents, specifically your mother, have worked hard to provide you with a fabulous wedding day and his mother is going out of her way to stand out.
That said, I don't think there is much you can say. I don't know what you relationship is like, but it sounds like you already "hinted" about wearing a more neutral color and she didn't bite. If this is a discussion you can have with your FI, have it and see what he says. If not, bite the bullet and know that people will think she is nuts for wearing red! Sorry we don't have better answers!
I think what mrsbic said is great–have any pictures of her made in black and white! Wouldn't have thought of that...
This is the first of many LITTLE things that are going to come up between you and your new family over the years. If you want them to take you seriously when a BIG thing comes up, don't waste your ammo on this.
I like mrsbic's idea of B&W photos (or alert your photogs to "mute" the red a little in Photoshop.)
The posed, family group photos are just a small part of the shots you will have of the day and honestly, from my experience the ones you will won't care much about in the future-- because they are kind of boring and awkward by nature.
Not sure I would be able to let it go... your fmil's dress is supposed to be a complimentary color to the motb dress -- I would sit down with her and have a talk. But, I am also not afraid of confrontation. I told my fmil that after my mom bought her dress, I would give her the color choice, length, and style that I want her to buy. So far, so good.
Why even think about what she is wearing? I say let all mothers wear what they like. If she clashes in the photographs, so be it. You are marrying into her family, the photos are just documenting that day.
my FMIL is definitely going to be a headache, and I've already had my finace sit down with her. I wouldnt let it go. She should be complimentary to the wedding not a sore thumb. Ettiquite says the same thing.
My FMIL decided to wear an ivory dress. I nearly fell over. But honestly, it doesn't look bride-y... but still... I was tremendously annoyed at first, but at this point, I couldn't care less.
My FMIL has a very bright and flashy taste. She loves sequins and dresses like she owns a bedazzler. My mom just lost 40 pounds in the past few months so she could look good for my wedding. I'm so proud of her! She bought a mauve colored dress and looks awesome.
So when my mom and I were shopping with my FMIL for her dress, she tried a bunch on and at that time, I told her that buying a red dress probably wouldn't be a good idea. Why? 1. She would clash with my mom in her mauve dress. 2. My colors are champagne, pink and ivory. The bridesmaid dresses are champagne so no one else is wearing anything close to red.
So guess what FMIL did? She bought a red dress with alot of ruffles and a big sequined brooch at the bodice. Not only will this stand out so much in the pictures but I'm upset that she didn't respect my wishes.
I am also concerned that her daughter, my FSIL was there with her when she bought it and thought it was ok. She is one of my bridesmaids.
So I of course want her to return the dress (which she has 90 days to do) and buy something in a lighter color. Our wedding is in June so she still has time.
But then I thought, am I being old-fashioned? Are the days when FMIL were supposed to "show up, shut up and wear beige" gone? It's funny because my FMIL would often say this phrase and joke about how that's what she was going to do. I wish she would practice what she preaches. I'm also scared to bring this up in front of her daughter (my FSIL) because she will side with her mom.
Any thoughts? Should I ask her to buy a new dress or let her do what she wants? How much control does a bride have over what the FMIL wears?
posted by peachgirl25 12 posts 7 months agook, "control" "Let her wear what she wants" dont look now - but your inner-zilla is coming out!
please save the stress on yourself and leave it alone - i know to you, it's YOUR wedding day, but to her, she's saying "gbye" to her baby boy - let her celebrate it and wear her red dress... in the long scheme of things, you'll save ill feelings, an awkward sitch with u and the hubbs - all for a silly red dress...
wedding attire isnt playing dress up with dolls - these are real people and no matter what, people are going to do what they want - if you tell her she cant wear her dress, then she's going to find another way to inject HER own personality in what she wears...
focus on what's important - building a future with your fh - red dress or no red dress - the wedding day isnt as important as the actual marriage...
ok off my soap box now...
posted by Anti-Zilla 385 posts 7 months agoPer etiquette, and just being nice, she is not supposed to be more formally dressed or draw more attention than the mother of the bride. I'd have your FI or maybe you FSIL drop her a hint-if she gets upset, she gets upset. Just gently say that it's a nice dress, but not really appropriate for your wedding.I don't think you're being bridezillay at all-my mother would be furious if my FMIL bought something like that. Or have her ask a question in the Mothers section of
www.topweddingquestions.com
It's free and the questions are answered by experts.
posted by ninanina 48 posts 7 months agoI would totally be as you are right now if this was happening to me. Actually probably worse....lol.
However, I think that after a few days - with the talking to from the gals on here and some time to think I would come to this conclusion.
If she wants to look like Liberace's Parrott, let her. Chances are most everyone else there will think she's over the top - know her personality and not have expected anything less from her. Every one will love her the same - and still focus on you the whole day ;-)
Not only that - are you planning to frame and hang those traditional family photos up after you get them back? I know I'm not, and I don't really know anyone who has....they go in an album that people look through and comment on. Maybe in 10 years you'll look back and laugh at how much she stands out in them and you'll think "Wow, I was so worried about that thing"
All that said, on the flip side - if you think you can breech the subject with her with out starting a family fued....I say it's worth talking about if that will make you feel better right now. But if it's going to turn into the next HBO Fight Special...let it go. There's not much you can do.
Good luck and keep me updated!
posted by Sweeney2Be 1,488 posts 7 months agoDo you watch Whose Wedding is it Anyway? The same thing happened to a bride on that show. If you go to the link below.
http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/whosewedding/index.jsp
A video player comes up on the main page, scroll down to the 6th picture (one you roll over it, it says "Whose Wedding: Scene Stealer"). You have to watch it for a bit (a few minutes), but I think the way the planner handles the situation is really good and you might be able to get some tips!
The FMIL ends up wearing the dress, but hopefully it will work out differently for you.
posted by hbowar 129 posts 7 months agoi just saw a "whose wedding is it anyway?" this past weekend where the FMIL wore a bright red dress!
what does your mom think about this? i agree with ninanina, the MOB shouldn't be upstaged by the MOG. my mom would also be PISSED if that happened. if your mom's okay with it though, i think this is one battle you should just let go. gaining goodwill with the FMIL is always a good thing, imo.
posted by rebecca 989 posts 7 months agoIf you're mostly worried about how she will look in the formal photos, could you suggest to her that she use that as her reception dress and choose another in a paler color for the ceremony?
posted by snmcdowell 467 posts 7 months ago"Liberace's parrot"--hilarious!
posted by futuremrswecker 43 posts 7 months agoFrom personal experience, even if you feel it would be ok to say something or tell someone else to say something to her it will probably not go over well no matter how nicely it is said. . . It sucks to be told "suck it up" because I would feel bad just like you but that is the only way. Let her wear it.
Everyone else will see how ostentatiously she is dressed and comment amongst themselves. That is your consolation.
Similar thing is going to happen to me with my FSMIL and my mom but I can't do anything about it so I'm just gonna smile and have fun at my wedding (and maybe get an inner chuckle out of it) (FSMIL is on her way to losing 30 pounds - she is not that big- for my wedding and is wearing very showy clothing and jewelry which she won't even show me because "it is a surprise") Just remember, at least you know and have time to come to terms with the fact that she will be standing out in red.
posted by IndianBride 179 posts 7 months agoAs annoyed as I am sure I would be as well, I think you might be best leaving this alone. If she is dead set on this dress and it will cause a strain between the two of you, it is not worth it. You only have to deal with the red dress for a day, she'll be your MIL for life though.... no need to start off on the wrong foot.
posted by tater 82 posts 7 months agoI don't even know what to say. Yes, its totally inappropriate. Why in the world did she ask you what she should get if she was only going to do whatever she wanted anyway? It seems very passive-aggressive to me.
I think you have three choices - one of which is to do nothing. One of which is to wait until you are asked what you think of the dress, and let her know nicely that you think it's not appropriate, and that you really wish she had gotten something that would look a little nicer in the group photos, as the red is not going to go with the colors everybody else is wearing. (Maybe for a Christmas wedding, but June? Really.) And the third choice is to have your FI talk to her, let her know that while she's not expected to "match" like a BM, she is also not just a guest, and she should get something that will go a little better for the photos.
If nothing works, just make sure you get lots of pictures with you and your parents, you and the groom and your parents, your mom and dad alone, you and your mom and the BMs... in short, lots of pictures without FMIL! As well as pictures with her, of course. But if you are really bothered by the clashing photos, you can only include shots in your album of FMIL/FFIL, FMIL/FFIL/groom, the four of you... and only photos of your mom in company in which she shines the way she deserves!
posted by suzanno 1,978 posts 7 months agoHey just remember--any framed photos of her just have printed in black and white! No red to worry about later!
Best of Luck to you!
posted by mrsbic 51 posts 7 months agoI gotta say I hate when people get up in arms over brides being "bridezilla." You only get one wedding! It's not like you've thrown a fit and threatened to leave your FI; you're just asking other brides-to-be what they would do.
I don't think you are being a zilla about this. There is a predetermined ettiqutte for chosing of the MOB/MOG dresses. MOB chooses first, MOG goes second and doesn't wear same color as MOB, BMs or bride.
I understand your anger. Your parents, specifically your mother, have worked hard to provide you with a fabulous wedding day and his mother is going out of her way to stand out.
That said, I don't think there is much you can say. I don't know what you relationship is like, but it sounds like you already "hinted" about wearing a more neutral color and she didn't bite. If this is a discussion you can have with your FI, have it and see what he says. If not, bite the bullet and know that people will think she is nuts for wearing red! Sorry we don't have better answers!
I think what mrsbic said is great–have any pictures of her made in black and white! Wouldn't have thought of that...
posted by haselwand 117 posts 7 months agoLet it go...
This is the first of many LITTLE things that are going to come up between you and your new family over the years. If you want them to take you seriously when a BIG thing comes up, don't waste your ammo on this.
I like mrsbic's idea of B&W photos (or alert your photogs to "mute" the red a little in Photoshop.)
The posed, family group photos are just a small part of the shots you will have of the day and honestly, from my experience the ones you will won't care much about in the future-- because they are kind of boring and awkward by nature.
Deep breath and move on.....
posted by beanchar 95 posts 7 months agoNot sure I would be able to let it go... your fmil's dress is supposed to be a complimentary color to the motb dress -- I would sit down with her and have a talk. But, I am also not afraid of confrontation. I told my fmil that after my mom bought her dress, I would give her the color choice, length, and style that I want her to buy. So far, so good.
posted by caliocteach 720 posts 7 months agoWhy even think about what she is wearing? I say let all mothers wear what they like. If she clashes in the photographs, so be it. You are marrying into her family, the photos are just documenting that day.
posted by akimbo 49 posts 7 months agomy fmil can wear whatever she wants to wear, honestly. it would be too small for me to even think about. good luck!!
posted by bride 170 posts 7 months agoCalicoteach, I could not agree with you more...
my FMIL is definitely going to be a headache, and I've already had my finace sit down with her. I wouldnt let it go. She should be complimentary to the wedding not a sore thumb. Ettiquite says the same thing.
Best of Luck.
posted by hesallmine 43 posts 7 months agodouble post... sorry, computer is wacky today.
posted by hesallmine 43 posts 7 months agoMy FMIL decided to wear an ivory dress. I nearly fell over. But honestly, it doesn't look bride-y... but still... I was tremendously annoyed at first, but at this point, I couldn't care less.
Good luck!
posted by bethgraced 105 posts 7 months ago